I originally wrote this for Patreon on April 4 2016. I’m planning on switching everything over from Patreon to my website (here) over the next few months and thought I would share some of my old blogs with you for FREE to show my appreciation for you visiting my website! <3
Okay, so I hardly ever post anything personal on tumblr or instagram (or any social media for that matter) but I thought I would share more here with you guys. If this is something you’ve been wanting, yay! If not… I guess let me know? Hopefully you’d like to know more about me since you support my photography & modeling & whatnot.
Anyway, on to personal stuff… I had my IUD removed today and replaced it with a different kind. I’ve been at home ever since with cramps and just generally not feeling great or motivated. Thankfully I’m not working today so that’s helped. I had a Skyla IUD which slowly releases small amounts of a progestin hormone into my uterus. Sadly (and embarrassingly) it took me 2 years to realize that this has to be the source of some of the health issues that started in June/July 2014. I got Skyla in March 2014. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Why didn’t I make the correlation sooner?! My body suddenly had more hormones in it than ever, of course it freaked out.
As of today I’ve switched to ParaGuard, which is a non-hormonal IUD that is just as effective in preventing pregnancy. I expect to start seeing an improvement in my health in the next few months. It was really nice not having a period for 2 years but I’ll take menstruation over health issues any day.
I took this self portrait set in November 2014!
- In 1 month on the road I’ve:-driven over 4500 miles-visited 18 National Parks, National Monuments, and State Parks-visited 4 different states (Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California)-taken 5 showers-spent 24 nights sleeping in my van-spent 5 nights in airbnbs-spent 2 nights hosted by a friend-shot 15 rolls of landscapes for double exposures (MORE ON THESE SOON!!)-shot 28 self portrait sets (holy shit I counted just now and didn’t realize I’d taken that many already wowwww)-made 86 daily travel vlogs (for you to watch for free! see below!)-made 26 videos with my digital camera-made hundreds of videos with my cell phone
Now that I’ve put all of this info together I feel SUPER pleased about how much I’ve accomplished. Wow. And to think I was feeling some kinda way about productivity earlier this month… pshhhh.
All of my relaxing or “doing nothing” time is ALSO time that *all the things* are in the process of being done. Things need to marinate sometimes. I cultivate my creative energy by doing things for ME, and the BEST time to create is when I am filled with creative energy, wouldn’t you agree?!
Wow, I’m really typing this to remind myself more than anything. I have such a tendency to push myself to work and check things off to do lists that it’s easy to put myself last. I can talk all day about self care and the importance of doing things for yourself, just because… but when it comes to myself sometimes I forget.
This trip has really helped me remember the importance of just… laying in the grass. Climbing rocks. Crying next to a river. Sitting between two massive trees and watching the wind in their crowns.
We as a society tend to go and do and think about what’s next and and and
I’m catching myself speeding up, feeling more inadequate, more anxious, in my head too much when I’m looking at screens a lot of the day.
There’s been a new kind of anxiety of not knowing when I’ll have internet again, or even phone service because of some of the remote landscape locations I’m visiting. But it’s SO FREEING at the same time.
I have my own full attention. No notifications from the computer in my pocket.
The relief of being completely alone.
I am able to see more details, like the little bird flitting around under the bush, the secret little nook in the hollow of a tree, or the way the light shines through the trees in just the right way to see a spider web high above.
This is my reminder to come back to myself.
This trip is showing me how to just BE with myself. I so often avoid introspection because I have a hard time disentangling my thoughts and feelings and I don’t usually know how to explain what I’m feeling or why. It’s easier to just fill my schedule with tons of things to do so that I don’t have to sit with myself.
That’s made my thoughts and feelings just get more confused and intense and it’s time. Time for me to sit with them. Disentangle them. Ask them their names and why they’re here inside of me. Acknowledge their presence in my life and ALLOW THEM TO BE THERE. Take the time to sit with them, feel through them…. let them tell me whatever it is I need to know. And let them pass.
Time with myself makes me want to spend even MORE time alone. I’m at this point in my life where I feel like I’m finally starting to figure out who I really am. Not what’s been expected of me by our monogamous cisheteropatriarchal racist capitalist society. That version of life is too constricting, too hollow, too exclusionary.
Time with myself allows me to stretch and learn and grow and BLOOM.
And I feel like I’ve only just started.
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I took this in May 2017 at an airbnb in the mountains of NC.
That airbnb was SO adorable and photogenic! The bathtub is one of the main reasons I chose that particular airbnb on that trip. You may recognize it if you’ve been following me for a while. =] SO MUCH ART came from that weekend, it was the first patron/member sponsored trip I ever took. It feels so incredibly amazing to be able to go somewhere with the intent of making art with no restrictions, just my imagination and my heart.
YOU are the reason I am able to do this! YOU are who I create for (other than myself, of course). It’s YOUR support that keeps me going, including on this 2 month cross country road trip I’m halfway through already! Holy shit, time really flies. Join my *FREE* mailing list to get updates and access to the (more than) daily video blogs from my trip!
If you’re here on my website, I APPRECIATE YOU!
If you’d like even MORE content from me, consider becoming a member! I share something with them EVERY SINGLE DAY <3
I had no plans to do this but was inspired by the rainbows in my bedroom this morning so I took a self portrait set with my Instax camera and made a BTS video of the whole shoot!
My Valentine’s gift to you: this entire self portrait set and BTS video!!!
I have a few of these Instax on sale in my shop, including this one! They’re ON SALE through the weekend so snag your faves before they’re gone!
I’m no longer going to title these “Uncensored IG Posts” on patreon, because not all of them are going on IG anymore. I used to stress myself out and/or beat myself up in my head if I didn’t post every single day on instagram to promote myself and my art. I’ve decided that my mental health is more important than that, and I’m ok with not posting for a few days in a row if I have a lot going on. In the grand scheme of things, a few days of not posting isn’t going to make a dramatic difference in anything other than me feeling better because I’ve taken the pressure off of myself.
I schedule these daily photo posts here because I know how wonderful it is to see new art every day, and consistency is important to me. I can schedule a month at a time in an hour or two, and never have to worry about missing a day of posting!
I’m learning that doing things like this is truly what self care is. What are you doing for yourself today? This self portrait set can be found in the March 2018 gallery.
Want to see more? I post a photo every day and release a new set and video(s) every Saturday right here on my blog! Become a member for instant access!
This expired film self portrait set can be found in the October 2018 gallery.
Images like this are posted every day on my private members-only blog.