Non monogamous stereotypes + assumptions
Click here to watch part 1 video in another window.
Click here to watch part 2 video in another window.
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEOS ABOVE:
Hi, I think this month is just going to be mostly about non-monogamy because it’s kind of a really big topic and I know that a lot of you are really interested in learning about it, and it’s definitely a big part of my life, so let’s go! So there’s a lot of really shitty stereotypes about non-monogamy that I would like to talk about and debunk them because it’s not true.
So obviously, I am one person and I can’t speak for the entire community of non-monogamous people. Like, I can’t, it’s just like, one black person can’t speak for all black people. One, non monogamous person can’t speak for all non monogamous people. So this is all from my perspective and from the reading and communication and like, discussions that I’ve had about non-monogamy. So yeah, I’m not the expert on everything, but I’m talking to you from my own perspective and from the things that I’ve learned over time.
So, one thing that people assume about non-monogamous people is that they are just in it for the sex and obviously that’s not true. I mean, for some people they might be in it just for sex. You know, if that’s what they want and that’s what all the people that they’re with want, like that’s totally cool, power to them. But also, there’s like a lot of asexual people that are non monogamous, you don’t have to have sex in order to be non monogamous. Like, non monogamy doesn’t have to do with sex, it has to do with the relationships that you have and how you structure them.
So, you could be asexual and be non monogamous, you could be straight or queer or bi or gay and be non monogamous. You can be cis or trans and be non-monogamous. Like it’s the way that you structure relationships and not necessarily about the people that are in them, if that makes sense. So non monogamy is not always about sex. Though, sometimes it could be, you know, power to the people. Whoever, like, that’s the beautiful thing about non monogamy is people get to build the relationships the way that they need them to be built, you know, like based on people that are in them. I guess that’s kind of really specifically for relationship anarchy, which is what I consider myself, but….
Another thing is people think about like kind of along this like sex line, a lot of people think about non monogamy, as people that are like getting a lot of STIs. But… or like it’s more likely that you’ll get an STI, if you’re non monogamous because you’re having sex with more people, but really monogamous people get more STIs because non-monogamous people are like super good well, most of them, are super good at communication about STIs and getting tested more frequently. A lot of monogamous people assume that they don’t need to get tested because they’re only having sex with one person, but you can still get an STI. Like a lot of STIs don’t really like… a lot of STIs are asymptomatic and you don’t even know you have it and you could be spreading it and not even know it. So. If you’re non monogamous, it’s actually not very likely to get an STI. I mean STIs… okay. I’m kind of gonna go off topic a little bit. There’s this person. I don’t remember her name, but she did a TED Talk and the Ted talk, you can find it on YouTube. It’s called STIs are not a consequence, they’re an inevitability. I’ll link that video below because it’s really good.
But like STIs are very common in humans. And if you’re having sex, there’s a big chance that you’ll get an STI. So, the fact that non-monogamous people are more willing to get tested and get tested on a regular basis and have all the conversations about safe sex. Like, If you do even get an STI as a non monogamous person, it’s likely that you’re going to catch it sooner and be able to treat us sooner than if you were a monogamous person that doesn’t get tested.
Another assumption about non-monogamy or like stereotype…
Part 2
So I have to do a video part 2 because my alarm went off and it stopped the last video. So non monogamy video for this part two! Sorry. Another assumption about non-monogamy or like stereotype about non-monogamy is Triads, which a Triad is like three people that are in relationship with each other and a lot of them that are like the stereotype one is like a man and two women. And the man is straight and the like the women are bi, and this is like a huge like, I mean, obviously there’s probably a lot of men who like would dream of this because oh, yeah, I get to have sex with two women and maybe at the same time, but like Triads are actually not that common in non-monogamy and they’re actually like expert-level non monogamy, especially a closed triad, which so when I say a closed Triad, when I say a closed triad, like the relationship is closed to anyone other than the people that are in it. So like there’s three people and their relationship and they’re all dating each other and like, that’s it. They’re not dating anyone outside of that. And that’s actually really not common. But it’s probably the most common relationship in non-monogamy that’s like known in like popular culture, which is frustrating because I don’t know anyone that’s in a Triad. And there’s such a huge problem with the Unicorn Hunters. So I’m going to go into what that is to put like. Yeah, like the assumption that all known monogamous relationships are like three people that are dating rach other exclusively is not real, like, those do exist, but they’re more rare and way more fucking like difficult because they have.
So, if there’s three people, there’s person a person, B, and person C. person A has relationship with person B person. A also has a relationship with person C. Person B has a relationship with person A person B has relationship with person C. like you get it right? Person C has a relationship with person A, person C as also as a relationship with person B. And then they have the relationship that’s between all three of them, A B and C. So there’s like several relationships that are within that structure and like you can’t have one person. Like if you’re in a Triad like this, that’s expected. Like, you can’t really, it’s not… They’re rare. Like it’s not how fucking like so we know that it’s hard to find a person that you want to date. Right? How much fucking harder is it to find a person that you want to date that also wants to date your partner? All three of you have to be compatible with each other, like as a Triad and as individual like couples between the three people in the Triad. Expert level about monogamy not easy, very hard and then like most people that are in that kind of structure might also, it might not be a close, tria. They might have like person A might be in a relationship with B and C, but they might also have like a separate person like person Z over here, that they’re also in a relationship with but that’s not a part of the Triad, you know, like so there’s yeah. Triads are like, expert level. They’re not easy. And that’s not the main way that people are in relationships that are non monogamous. That’s an incorrect assumption.
Unicorn Hunters. This is not a cool thing!! Okay. So unicorn Hunters are basically if you’re on Tinder or like dating apps at all, you probably have seen a whole bunch of unicorn hunters. It’s like the couple that’s usually a straight couple that the woman wants to like experiment with another woman and it’s you know, they’re trying to find a bi woman to date the two of them or to like not maybe not even date. Maybe just have sex with them.
That’s unicorn hunter! So you’re like yeah, but how do people become Triads if the Unicorn Hunters are bad? So the reason unicorn Hunters are bad and that’s like a whole specific category on its own is because it’s like a couple that has couples privilege like they’re already together. The privilege that they have is like the assumption is that if something happens with this like unicorn over here that if the Unicorn causes trouble, the unicorns going to get kicked out and like kicked to the curb because the couple comes first to both of the couple. Another huge problem with it is because a lot of times unicorn Hunters don’t have any experience in non monogamy and they’re really like treating this third person as like a sex toy. Basically. I like a sentient sex toy. Like they don’t treat them as a human. They probably have ultimatums the the couple probably has veto power which okay, you know, power you probably can guess. If say one person of the couple is like I don’t want you to date that person, I’ma veto that you can’t date them. You can see why this could be a problem, especially for the person who’s like, the potential third, because they just get discarded by the couple really easily by the couple because the couple already has the couples privilege and is like “yeah we’re going to put each other over anybody else and you inherently are less important to us because you’re just like this new person that we’re bringing on to like spice up our sex life.”
Yeah, unicorn Hunters are bad news. If you’re new to non-monogamy, it’s kind of easy to accidentally become a unicorn Hunter especially if you’re already partnered. So yeah, don’t do that, please. I think there’s a website unicorn Hunters are us that you can look at but like if you’re new to non monogamy and you do have a relationship already and you want to open it and add another person to it. Please do a lot of research.
There are some people who want to be the unicorn and like want to be the third in a relationship and like are okay with not being primary like they’re okay with being like a secondary like person and they don’t want the commitment and stuff like that does exist. But most of the time unicorn Hunters are basically treating people like glorified sex dolls, and that’s really shitty. So please if you want to like open your relationship and add someone to it, please do a lot of research. Please make sure that like the third person is in a relationship with the individuals and not just the couple. So, like person A like the these, it’s so, this is the couple say, person A has an individual relationship with the third person. Person B also has an individual relationship with the third person and then there’s the relationship of all of them together. Like, if you have to a hundred percent of the time as the third person be with the couple a hundred percent of the time, you can’t deepen your relationship to either of them like individually. That’s bad news. Like that. No, that’s not cool at all. I feel like I’m ranting about unicorn hunters and I haven’t even had personal experience with them. But like I can just… can you imagine though? as a person who’s like, yeah I want to date a couple. That would be fun and then you like try to date a couple and then they treat you like shit. Like Please don’t become that. Unicorn Hunters are not cool. I’m sure there’s a lot of information online about unicorn Hunters, but I’ll see if I can link that unicorn Hunters R Us website in the caption below if you want to, like, look at that.
(CLICK HERE FOR UNICORN HUNTERS R US WEBSITE)
What other non monogamy things that are assumptions or stereotypes should I talk about? Oh, there’s an assumption that non-monogamous people are not jealous.
Non monogamous people are humans too and everyone feels jealousy sometimes. Some people feel jealousy in more like in more extreme or less extreme circumstances, or feelings. Like some people don’t really feel very jealous. And that’s just like an individual person thing. But like just because you’re non monogamous doesn’t mean you’re immune to jealousy. I’m non monogamous and I definitely feel jealous a lot and like insecure a lot and I think it’s because I still have a lot of compulsory monogamy bullshit still in my self. But like, yeah, you’re going to feel jealous. Like, the person that you care about, also cares about other people and it can be uncomfortable sometimes, especially if you’re insecure like, I definitely have felt.
I like I keep having recurring dreams of like a person that I care about connecting with other people and leaving me out and me feeling jealous and insecure. Like this is a reccurring thing for me and I have to like deal with it. It’s not as bad in real life because I don’t tend to like spend time with people when they’re also seeing other people. Like I like to spend one-on-one time together and I don’t put myself in those situations on purpose because I know I would feel really so I don’t do that to myself.
On the other side of that, here’s another term that you may or may not have heard of. There’s something called compersion which is where you feel happy when you see someone that you care about feeling happy. So some people kind of the opposite. I don’t want to say opposite but it’s like the other side of jealousy. So when you’re jealous, you’re like man I wish I could do that. I feel like maybe you know, I’m being left out, that kind of thing compersion is like, oh I see my partner feeling super happy and loved by this other person and I feel really great for them for that. Like it’s yeah, it’s like you’re happy for your partner’s happiness or partner may or might not be the right word, but you’re happy for the person that’s in your life because they’re happy. Not necessarily because you have anything to do with it, but just because like, oh, they’re happy so I’m happy for them. Like the feels good. I personally haven’t experienced much compersion, and that’s not something that is a requirement to be non-monogamous. Like not everyone experiences compersion and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re like a bad non monogamous person it just means that you haven’t felt that before.
Yeah, I think this is already 10 minutes. So a whole bunch of more rambling about non monogamy. We did it. If you have any questions or yeah, if you like me talking about non-monogamy, let me know and I can maybe make more videos like this. Yeah, if you have questions, comment below, I might either reply to the comment or I might make another video to answer your question.
I love you, thank you for being here and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
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