My Queer/Coming Out Story!
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CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! So, recently, I think it was the 10th or 11th it was National Coming Out day, so I thought I would share my queer story with you! So if you’re new here and don’t know much about me, I am queer, I’m trans, I’m agender, I’m ecosexual, I’m, I guess I would also say bisexual… labels don’t quite fit me properly, so I’ve found that queer and ecosexual fit me the best. So usually it’s just easier for me to be like, I’m queer. I’m trans. I’m non-binary. I’m queer. Yeah, so like, I like labels to help people understand me better, but also I find labels to be limiting sometimes because as soon as you put a label on something, then there’s usually a lot of assumptions that come along with that. So yeah, that’s like a short synopsis of my thoughts on labels, but for coming out day, which was recently… this month. Yeah. I want to share my like queer story with you!
If I knew more about queerness, and if I had more queer friends that were out when I was younger, even though I did have some out queer friends when I was in high school. If I had more education before the time that I did, I probably would have come out sooner or like actually realize things about myself sooner, because the hardest part of coming out is coming out to yourself and like realizing that you’re queer in the first place, so I didn’t really realize or come out until I was 29 years old, which was two years ago in 2019.
I could have maybe connected the dots way years before, but I think my being married to a man a cis man for over five years and a relationship with him for over 10 years kind of, I don’t want to say prevented me from realizing my queerness, but I think it I think it encouraged my…. How do I put this? I think it encouraged my not knowing for a while, like it was easy to just be like yeah, I’m straight and I’m a woman because I married the man and I’m happy in this relationship. If you’re new here, also, I’m divorced. Officially divorced in 2020. We’re still friends. But it took really, it took me being on my cross country road trip by myself in 2019 to really have the time and space to be with myself and really start to understand myself on a deeper level before I realized that I was queer. Looking back… looking back there were a lot of signs that I was queer way before then.
I just didn’t put it together and I was like, I’m a tomboy. So before I realized I was queer, I always wanted a penis. Ideally a retractable one so it was there when I wanted, but I would like disappear when I didn’t want it. Still dreaming! Still hoping maybe one day I’ll have it. Yeah, even as a kid, I would like pretend I had a penis. And like put spoons in my pants to like make them poke out so it seemed like I had a penis. My sister reminded me of this because I totally had forgotten. I always really loved shopping in the boys section of stores. I definitely had, queer friends. I was a very opinionated and loud ally to queer people for like forever. I had a Love Is Love shirt in like high school that I made myself. So, I mean there were signs and of course like everyone’s… everyone’s life is different. So maybe you have done the same things and you’re like straight and cis, and that’s totally cool too, like everyone is different. Only you can know if you’re queer or not, but for me, those were signs.
So, okay, in March of 2019, we had, me and my now ex-husband had the, let’s get a divorce conversation and he moved out of state in May, mid-May of 2019, and at the end of May of 2019 I started my two month solo cross country road trip and then mid-August after I came home it was like maybe a week after I got home. No mosquito not here for you. I at that point, my hair was to my elbows and I was fucking sick of it. For my whole life I had long or long ish hair, and I kind of overly identified with it. But by the time, like I was living in a van and being in the desert mostly for two months.
Squirrel! Did you see? I just got fucking sick of my hair. So I came home and I asked my mom to shave my head. And she didn’t really want to because she was scared that I wouldn’t like it, but she did it anyway because I wanted it and I asked her to and she was like, okay, who am I to say that you can’t have a shaved head? And so she shaved it for me. There’s a video of that whole… the whole thing. The whole experience of me getting my head shaved for the first time ever. I have that video, I’ll have to find it and link it for y’all, but there’s a whole video, it’s like 20 minutes long. I have a short version too that’s like two minutes, but it’s really special. That was like, I’m very big moment in my queer awakening. So my mom shaved my head here in the backyard. We were naked and it was wonderful. And at the end, I was like, oh shit. I look like a little boy. And I was super happy.
(CLICK HERE FOR THE 20 MINUTE HAIRCUT VIDEO)
(CLICK HERE FOR THE 2 MINUTE SHORT VERSION OF THE HAIRCUT VIDEO)
And then within like, a couple of days of that, I was walking at the park with my sister and I like confessed to her my gender feelings and she totally affirmed that for me and reminded me of some of the signs of my queerness when I was a kid that I didn’t even remember, and she’s like, yeah that I mean, it totally makes sense that you’re not binary because like you kind of have always been like that and she’s like, of course. So that was really amazing and I’m so thankful for her for being immediately supportive of me. So that evening, I texted a bunch of my family, like, hey, I realized I’m non binary. Can you please use they/them pronouns for me? And after that, I came out on social media and Yeah, been like that ever since. Yeah, so that’s the shortish version of my Queer Journey.
Yeah. I’m just happy thinking about it because I feel so much more myself and I have the vocabulary and the knowledge to be able to be like, okay, I know myself better than I ever did at this point and that feels really good. My parents are really wonderful. My mom, like she came up with this word that I love because she was like, if I can’t call you my daughter anymore, how do I… How do I introduce you to friends and stuff? Like, I don’t want to say my child because you’re an adult. She like what? How do I describe you? I was like, I donno, you’re heir? Child of your womb? Your adult child? I don’t know. And she came up with the word sproutling, which I love and my sister also likes it too. So we’re just, we’re their Sproutlings. So, that makes me super happy. Like even if there isn’t a word for what you’re trying to say, you can make one up!
So if you’re in the closet or if you’re out of the closet, or if you’re questioning your gender or your sexuality or your identity in any way, I’m proud of you and I hope that you do it in your own time. There’s no rush and you can always change. People change their labels all the time. Like we’re not static, like human beings are always changing and we’re always growing and learning and to expect someone to always be the same is to not fully know them. And it’s to not like hold them in their complexity and their wholeness. So yeah, you are worthy, whether you have a label for yourself or not. You are amazing and wonderful and you are loved. Okay. Thank you for being here. I just want to share that story with you. I know some of you who’ve been here for a while, probably have already heard it, but I figured I’d share because National Coming Out day was recently and it was fitting. I love you!
Photos my sister Gemini took during the life changing haircut:
