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Hi hello! Earth Day was yesterday, and I spent a lot of my day outside and also looking at and watching videos and photos that I took on my big road trip last summer, so it was nice to connect with different parts of the earth in that way.

This week I’m sharing a photoset that I took of my friend Singingsiren44 (you can find them on instagram). ((In the video I said their pronouns are both her and them, I should have double checked first because they now only use they/them pronouns!))

We had only been following each other online and had never met in person, and when I was announcing where I was going on my trip they offered for me to stay with them so that was super wonderful and generous, and I really enjoyed spending time with them and I spent a few days there. One of the days we drove out to the Rocky Mountains and just found a place to park off the side of the road and ran into the woods and climbed down this hill and found a river and hung out next to it for a while and took photos all around in the woods and the rocks and the river. It was a really great day, and I took a bunch of photos of them doing self care out there. It was a really good time, I really enjoyed it, I made a new friend. We had never met and I thought it was pretty magickal that we got along so well and it was very generous for them to let me stay there, so I really appreciated that.

This week I have felt very slow and quiet and not very motivated to do very much. I think part of that is this new life that we’re living under quarantine, and part of it is probably also because I’m realizing that I need to give myself the space to do nothing. I have felt for a really long time that I have to constantly be doing things in order to be “productive” and “valuable” as a person. And that’s not true, I’m valuable as a person because I exist. So I’m trying to release as much of the internalized capitalism that’s within me as much as I can, and recognize that my value is not based on my productivity and that I don’t have to always be doing things, or know what the next thing is. At this point I’m kinda so in between where I was and where I want to be, and I don’t even know where I want to be yet, so I’m in this liminal space of knowing that I don’t want to stay where I was and moving toward something different, but I don’t know what my goals are, I don’t know where I’m heading toward or what the next step is. So, really the only thing for me to do is sit in it and feel it, and let whatever is supposed to come up, come up. Let my dreams make themselves known to me. That’s kinda hard because I’m a fire sign, I’m as Sagittarius (with a Virgo rising) so I feel like I need to do stuff, and be productive, and go on with my life and have a plan and work towards that goal and plan.

I’m in a place where I don’t have very many goals other than keeping up with my weekly computer stuff for yall and my twice a week live videos. I’m glad that I have those recurring obligations that I’ve created for myself to create something, and I’m just letting that be what I do right now. Since I’m not really sure what direction I want to go in, I feel like moving in any direction right now is kinda fruitless because it’s not with my whole heart, it’s just like I’m doing a thing because I feel like I have to do it. That’s not a heart centered, inspired thing to do. So life is complicated. I feel like I need to figure things out and I know that I can’t necessarily figure them all out at once.

I’m occupying my time with the Explore More Summit that’s going on right now. I’m watching at least one of those videos… almost every day. It’s a 10 day summit with therapists and educators, and so many people that I really value their thoughts and opinions on things. It’s been really nice to see what comes up in me when I watch these videos from other people. Maybe that will spark some inspiration for me. I’m trying to not be too frustrated with myself, allowing myself to get out of bed at noon, read a book, have breakfast, spend some time outside, not be “productive”. It’s hard, but I’m working on it, and I’m still getting my weekly necessary things done, so that’s nice. Balance is kinda hard for me to find, because I feel like, up until this point, and maybe even still, I haven’t really had that much balance, I’ve overworked myself for years and years, and maybe my frustration with slowing down and not being productive is a remnant of my internalized capitalistic bullshit that’s not really mine.

I appreciate yall being here, and spending this time with me every week, and caring about what I have to say, and supporting me through all the changes. I’m really excited for May 1st when I discontinue the photo membership and everybody that’s currently in photo memberships are going to be upgraded for video. Pretty excited about that, I’m excited to make memberships less complicated for everyone involved. Also, photo people are getting an upgrade so that’s cool. Upgrade for free, or the price you already pay for photo. That’s a super great deal and I’m really happy to be able to do that for yall. Especially since yall have been instrumental in me being able to live my life and still have a job during all of this. So I appreciate you so much. I look forward to spending time with you twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I don’t have a whole lot to say today, so I just wanted to say I love you!

Photo members: click here to view the full photoset of Singingsiren44 in the Rocky Mountains during my cross country road trip
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the photoset of Tiffany Helms in abandoned ruins on Bainbridge Island & click here to view the BTS videos

Click here for the gallery passwords