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Chicago in 2017 + Boundaries
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello good morning. It’s not morning here where I am anymore, but it’s probably morning when you’re going to watch this. So good morning, or maybe, I don’t know. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, good day, good life, hello. So this week I’m sharing a really throwback lots of things. The stuff I’m sharing is photos & videos from when I was in Chicago in 2017. I kinda forgot that I had these and I hadn’t shared them yet, so you’re getting some cool throwback things! I think this was the last time I was in Chicago. I used to go every other year to do a family reunion thing with my ex, and naturally I haven’t really been in a while because, well, we’re no longer together. And because coronovirus, and you know, the world is changing forever always. The stuff from the Chicago trip that I’m sharing, it’s been a little bit since I’ve looked at them so I can’t remember if they’re photos from the 1st or the 2nd place that we stayed, because we stayed in 2 different places that last time we were in Chicago because it was my ex partner’s birthday. We stayed at one airbnb for his birthday, then another airbnb for the rest of the trip, just because we could and we wanted to. I think, I usually have all this written down of what I want to share, but I’m pretty sure the photos are from the 2nd airbnb that I’m sharing this time, but I’m not 100%.
So that’s what I’m sharing this week, and for the first look members I have another photoset from Utah from my cross country road trip in summer 2019. I keep wanting to say last summer, but last summer is now the summer of 2020, and it wasn’t last summer, it’s now the summer before. That feels weird because time has already flown by and I feel like I was just on this trip but it’s been over a year which is wild to me.
This month, October, the nude yoga video that I shared will be the last nude yoga video that I share monthly like I was. There’s 3 years of nude yoga videos that you can watch so I don’t think you’ll really miss out on them. Like I said in last week’s blog, I want to shift my time and attention and effort into slightly different things. Not too different, but this is just the beginning of my changes. That’s the last nude yoga video I’ll do for a little while. I mean I might do some more in the future if I feel like it, I just am not going to put pressure on myself to do it every month like I have been. I am still figuring out how I’m going to do my website after I run out of my backlog, which that’s going to be probably another 6 months or longer before I run out of my backlog, so you don’t have anything to worry about soon to be honest. I have a lot of backlog and a lot of stuff yall haven’t seen yet, because for whatever reason I tend to hoard my content, so no worries on that yet. I’ll continue to let you know about the shifts and changes that I go through when the time comes. I am probably going to… I don’t know, I really do want to have my content be less nudity-focused and “hey I’m a naked person” because to me, it’s just my preferred state of being? Like I was helping my mom in the kitchen this morning naked, just cutting veggies and stuff. No big deal. *laughs*
My problem is not with nudity, my problem is when people sexualize me and see nudity as something that’s inherently sexual. To me, depending on what your definition of sex is and what sexual is… just being naked and enjoying being in your own skin could be sexual. For me, as someone who is demisexual, which is on the asexual spectrum, I DO NOT WANT SEXUAL ATTENTION FROM ANYBODY. No. If I do, you will know, because I will tell you. Otherwise, I don’t want sexual attention. Do whatever you want on your own time, but don’t direct it in my direction. Don’t point your sexual feelings in my directions, I don’t want it, it makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don’t want to be sexualized. Do whatever you want while you’re looking at my photos, just don’t tell me about it. What you do on your own time is for you, that’s cool. I’ve just… over the last 10+ years of doing this, I’ve received so much unwanted attention in a sexual way that has always made me extremely uncomfortable. That kind of attention is what I’m trying to get rid of, trying to curb, trying to encourage other things instead. Nudity is not the problem for me, but sometimes when people can’t separate nudity and sexualizing me, that’s when the problem is. So I’m probably lecturing you now, that’s not what I’m trying to do. I want it to be very clear to everyone. Don’t send sexual attention in my direction because I don’t want it, it makes me very uncomfortable. Just don’t. Be my friend, ask me questions, talk to me about my art, all of that. Just don’t tell me I’m beautiful and gorgeous, and don’t tell me the things you’d want to do to me, because I don’t want to hear any of that.
Compliment my ideas, my creativity… compliment things that are not physical and not sexual. For me… other people might have totally different boundaries. My boundary is do not come at me in a sexual way at all. No, I don’t want it. I don’t, at all, I don’t. If I did, you would know, simple as that.
On a lighter note, I am feeling a little bit better recently, just because I’m giving myself space to figure things out and do my own thing. Which… I’ve kinda been doing that for a long time but, life and healing is a spiral. You think you figure something out and then you come back around to it in a different way. I’m just trying to be gentle with myself and learn more about myself and do things in the way that feels good to me, that feels nourishing to me. That’s something I’ve been working on, it’s not always easy. Especially when you learn new things about yourself that are confusing. (I think I got a mosquito bite)
I feel like most of this video is me just telling you don’t sexualize me, so I apologize if you’re someone who’s heard a lot about this already because I’ve talked about it before. It’s a hard boundary for me, and I want it to be clear to everyone. I love sharing nude stuff, just appreciate it for what it is, and don’t come at me with anything like expectations or anything like that. That’s it, enjoy it, that’s what it’s here for. My nude art is here to enjoy on your own time. Tell me what you like about it that’s not sexual or appearance based, and we’re cool. We can talk about composition, the landscape, the place we’re in, the props, all the stuff, pose, whatever. Just… don’t sexualize me. It’s not why I’m here. I’m much more than that. Sex is awesome, it is a part of my life in some capacity, but that’s none of your business. I don’t have that kind of relationship with any of you. Here I go lecturing again and it’s already after 10 minutes so, maybe I’ll just make another video. I don’t know… this is what I’m feeling and it’s what came up. Maybe I’ll just post it anyway, I might make another video, I might not. We’ll see *laughing*.
I love you all so much and it means the world to me that you’re here every week supporting me, watching my stuff, looking at my photos, reading my blogs… I haven’t posted anything to youtube recently but that’s something I want to do more of. If there’s anything you want me to make a youtube video about, let me know! I’m open to requests and suggestions. I do have plans… I’m brainstorming and figuring out how I want to do this video, but my next video that I’ll be sharing on my youtube and instagram will be about energy healing. It’ll be energy healing 101, you know basics. This is what it is, this is how you do it. And then after that I think I’ll do a embodiment and self connection video. I already have a list of like 25 different ways you can connect to yourself… so yeah. Those are my plans for a couple of videos for youtube. I’m open to hearing what you’re curious about and what you’d like to learn from me. Comment below or send me an email or.. whatever. I’d love to hear from you if you have requests.
I just appreciate you for being here, it means a lot. I know sometimes I come on here and ramble like today. *laughs* It means the world that you care at all, and that you care enough to financially support me because literally, yall, here, the members of my website are the reason that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. That means a lot, and I love you so much, and I’m so excited to continue this journey of life with you. I love you. Thank you, and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye!
All members:
click here to view the 14 image self portrait photoset with plants in Chicago
click here to view the 27 image self portrait photoset in a fancy airbnb bathroom in Chicago
click here to view 20 Instax from Chicago
click here to view 24 videos from my Chicago travels in 2017
Click here for access to my archive of 12,500+ photos & 2,000+ videos
Click here for the passwords, they change the 1st of every monthFirst Look/All Access members:
click here to view a 32 image complete self portrait photoset at Fairyland Canyon from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view 3 minutes of BTS video -
Self Portraits in Utah
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
*sigh* Hello friends! I was just outside to make this video but then a bunch of my neighbors decided to have big loud machines so it kinda made more sense to do it in here. This week I have a bunch more self portrait sets and BTS videos from my cross country road trip last summer, well its not even last summer anymore, summer 2019, that I’m sharing with you for both the photo/video/PWYC members and for first look members. First look gets more access to more things, as usual, but I’m excited to share these with you. I really love all the self portraits that I took last…. summer 2019. It’s kinda weird watching them and looking at them because I know it’s me, but it’s a version of me that’s no longer with us, it’s kinda like looking at a ghost in a way. It’s me but it’s not me. It’s me then, it’s not me now. It’s hard to describe. But I have those photos that I’m sharing with you.
I want to talk about the nude yoga video, bc I’m technically sharing what I’d call a nude yoga video with you this month. I’ve been doing nude yoga videos, I think every month since 2017. They’ve increasingly become less like traditional what people would think of as yoga and more of… like energy releasing more than yoga, especially this month. I’ve felt a resistance to “traditional yoga” over the last few months and I’m not exactly sure why. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I may not do a monthly nude yoga video in the future. I might discontinue those and change it to something else. I would like to focus more on self care and community care and healing and energy healing and energy releasing and energy in general. I think over the last couple of months I’ve stressed more about the nude yoga video like “oh when am I going to make it” and all of that stuff. It’s started to become something that I’m not really enjoying as much anymore so I thought that since there are like… over 30 that you can watch from the past that you might not necessarily miss them in the future if I don’t continue them. So I’m considering discontinuing the nude yoga video and doing something different instead, like energy healing stuff so I’d love to hear your feedback if you have any. That’s something I’ll probably start next month or December or maybe 2021. I haven’t decided yet, but I wanted to give you a heads up that’s something thats going to be changing soon.
I want to focus more of my time creating content that I share for free with everyone. Of course the more extensive content will be for members. I think part of what I have been missing has been having things to share with people that weren’t behind a paywall, and I think that while I’m not a fan of capitalism, I still have to live within it so I do at some point need to be paid for my experience and my art and my time. At the same time, that makes my content less accessible to those who can’t afford it, even though I do have a pay what you can membership, I realize that $5 a month isn’t accessible to EVERYONE. I want to make more content that’s for everyone, and I’m considering a change of… the weekly posts that I make for yall that comes out on Saturdays, that has a handful of the images from the whole set that yall have access to. I’m considering making that blog post accessible to everyone, and, like currently, only members have access to the FULL set and the FULL video. That’s something I’ve been thinking about. I already do have a free post, I think it’s every Tueday. I have them scheduled through the end of the year… I think it’s Tuesdays. I’m feeling like I want to benefit more people and I can do that if I have more stuff that’s free.
I’m also continuously pulling further away from doing nude art. Not because I don’t love it. I definitely extremely very much DO LOVE nude art so much. The attention that it gets me from people is not the attention that I want, so I want to make it more understood by my audience, members and non members/just people that follow me. I want to make it more understood that my nudity is not consent for you to sexualize me. What you do on your own time by yourself that I’m not involved in is up to you, that’s none of my business, but as soon as sexual comments come in my direction… like I’ve been harassed this week through people commenting in another language that I had to translate but it’s still rude as fuck, also very much sexualizing me. That further reminds me how much I am extremely uncomfortable with that and that is violating my consent. I love nude art, but it, based on people’s perception of it, that I have no control over, that brings a certain kind of attention in my direction that I don’t want. I’m going to be backing away some from making nude things and sharing nude things potentially, so that I don’t get the attention that I don’t want, and making things that are “fb & ig safe” in order to share my knowledge and experience with people without getting the kind of attention that I don’t want which is sexualization.
I will forever have a very special place in my heart for nude art and I will probably never fully stop making it or sharing it, but it is not my focus any longer. I am much more than a naked body and I think it’s time for me to show that through the things that I’m putting out there. Just wanted to let yall know that. If you’re only here for the nudity, that’s cool, but I’m much more than a naked body, way more than that. That’s a cool thing about me, I have a body, so do you! But yeah, I have a spirit and a heart and a mind that is within that body that needs to be respected, and I believe that I will have more respect and less violation of my consent through sexualization of me if I don’t share as much nudity as I have been. So I’m going to figure out some kind of balance for that. I don’t know exactly what that means yet.
Be prepared for potential changes such as what I’ve already mentioned: discontinuing nude videos every month and doing something different, potentially sharing these weekly vlog posts for everyone, not just members, and making it so that it’s continuing to be members that have access to the galleries and archives of my work, and posting and making less nude content in general. So head’s up there.
I appreciate yall so much, you’re the reason I’m able to do any of this at all. Literally this is my full time job is my website and doing things for yall and making art that is constantly changing I suppose. Art that I haven’t really made this year. Yeah…. I am so grateful for yall for allowing me to have this as my full time job. I dreamed of having this as my job, for years, and that dream happened and it exists in real life now! Now I’m ready to dream of new things. I don’t exactly know what that is yet, but I’m working on it and making little steps in that direction, and we’re gonna see where that goes. Thank you for being what is making me able to do that at all. I appreciate you, I love you, I hope you have a wonderful day and a wonderful weekend. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye!
Video/PWYC members:
click here to view the full 61 image self portrait photoset near Canyonlands at sunset
click here to view the 8.5 minute energy release and body connection videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset I took in Utah (Edge of Sunset)
click here to view the 2.5 minute BTS video -
Self Portraits in Utah
Pay What You Can & Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind these self portrait photosets I took in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
- 61 image complete self portrait photoset near Canyonlands at sunset
- 8.5 minute energy release and body connection video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
- 29 image complete self portrait photoset I took in Utah (Edge of Sunset)
- 2.5 minutes of BTS video
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FREE ARCHIVED BLOG & PHOTOSET
I originally wrote this for Patreon on June 24th 2017. I no longer use Patreon and have replaced it with my website (here) but thought I would share some of my old blogs with you for FREE to show my appreciation for you visiting my website! <3
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The new moon supermoon in Cancer is today/tomorrow and oh gosh its bringing about a lot of change for me. It’s both scary and exciting, and I’m ready for it. I don’t think I’ve told you much about my “real” life outside of photography and modeling and want to share some of it with you. Since art doesn’t currently pay the bills and antisocialdisposition is a full time electrical engineering student, it has been essential for me to have a steady income. I’ve been working full time at a major healthcare system for nearly 5 years to support myself and my husband until he finishes his degree.
Well, working in healthcare kinda started killing my soul a little. Slowly.
The first 3 years I was working the front desk at a family practice. I loved my work family, (most of) our patients were so sweet, and the benefits were amazing.
The 4th year I was promoted to the referral coordinator position which was great because it was over a dollar more an hour, but I had to do the work of 2 people. That’s when things started to change for me, I started to not really enjoy coming to work every day like I used to. I was tasked with the job of cleaning up the mess that was made before I was promoted. Trying to condense as much of the story as possible, essentially there was nobody doing referrals for 2 offices for a couple of months before I started, and I had to not only essentially teach myself referrals, I had to catch up with the backlog AND work on the new referrals being added every day. It is so disheartening to know that you’re not doing the best job you could be doing because you have SO MUCH work to do it’s not possible to do it all right. I am not the kind of person that does things half-heartedly. If I do something I want to do it 100%.
I was a referral coordinator for 1 year. In that year I taught myself how to do referrals, I cleaned up the backlog (over 500 referrals between the 2 offices down to about 40 which is doable in a couple of days), and I created cheat sheets for other referral coordinators to use to help them with their work. I felt trapped, underappreciated, and underpaid. That’s why I was fine with moving over an hour away from work. It was a good excuse to look for a job closer to home.
I wanted and got a job in the billing department for the same healthcare system that was about 20 minutes away from our new place. It was NOT the job for me. It’s an extremely monotonous job: printing out EOBs and entering them into the computer. all. day. long. I was there for about 5 months.
Today was my last day working in healthcare. I put my notice in a couple weeks ago after stressing and crying and thinking so much about it. I feel so much better already to not be in a field that I have a lot of problems with. The healthcare system in our country is dismal, and I know first hand how terrible it can be for both patients and those who take care of them. Healthcare needs an overhaul but I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I will be unemployed for 2 weeks, and on July 10th I start my new full time job at the only camera store in town that still develops black and white film in-house. I am so much happier with the direction of my life already and I haven’t even started my new job yet. Obviously photography and modeling are what I’m passionate about and I am so excited for it to be what sustains me monetarily! I am going to learn so much working there and my new knowledge will only enhance the quality of my art. I am so looking forward to it!!! Change can be so so good.
I create as much as I can whenever I can, and your support here on patreon has allowed me to allocate more time to creating than I would be able to otherwise. One day with your help I aspire to support myself full time from my art income. I yearn to travel all over the country to find the most beautiful places and photograph the nude there. My goal for after AD finishes his degree: buy a giant work van, custom build it into a mini home, and create in every national and state park I can find. And you know I’ll be sharing it all here with you. <3
(EDIT 2020: My dreams all came true last year!!! I became full time self employed (via THIS WEBSITE RIGHT HERE, because of the support of members!) in April 2019, and lived out of my minivan for 69 days during a cross country road trip last summer!)
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I am so excited to share these sets with you! This is the film from our member-sponsored (thank you!!! <3 ) mountain trip last month! I really love how these came out, the locations were so beautiful.
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Go explore the videos folder, I’ve just added 9 bts videos from between shooting these sets. You can really see how beautiful these locations are. There’s a video of me collecting water from the waterfall…. I almost slipped and fell in! Haha
All members have access to this complete 22 image waterfall photoset by clicking here, the 16 image App Trail photoset by clicking here and the videos by clicking here.
Not a member? Click here to join for instant access and other member perks!
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Self Portraits at the entrance of a Colorado cave
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! So this week is a little bit different. You might not really notice much different, but I usually use my cell phone for these videos but this week my cell phone is locked away in a drawer for at least the next few days because I don’t want to be on social media so I’m making myself not even touch my phone so I don’t accidentally be like “oh I wonder what’s happening?” get on social media and then be on there for like 4 hours. So yeah, it’s in a drawer and the drawer is taped shut and I’m not going to touch my phone until Friday at the earliest, yay me! I’m taking this video on my fancy digital camera which I haven’t used in a while so it’s probably good that I’m using it.
This week I’m sharing a… I think it’s the last photoset that I took in the cave in Colorado. I’m not going to say too much about it because I already told you about it last week and there’s also videos from when I was actually there that you can watch. I feel like I don’t have to go over the cave in Colorado anymore, but you’re going to have some awesome photos and BTS video from that to look at. The first look members… I believe it’s another 1 or 2 sets from Goblin Valley, so I’m excited to share those too. I don’t have my computer open and my list of all the things but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is, I’m pretty sure it’s content from Goblin Valley. Hopefully I’m right, I think I’m right. I don’t want to have to go search and find what it is but I’m pretty sure it’s from Goblin Valley.
Yesterday at the end of the day I decided that I’m not going to be on social media or my phone at least until Friday at the earliest. So I taped my phone away in a drawer and now I cleaned the whole house today and I did all of my laundry and now I’m like… what am I going to do? It’s funny how much I realize now I’m on my phone, because when I’m not on it I’m like “wow suddenly I have so much more time!” It’s wild! Yeah I’m really glad I’m not on my phone. I don’t know about you but I sometimes struggle with having boundaries with my phone. That’s something I’m working on. Also I’m taking this video early, this is.. I think today is Tuesday. I usually make the video on Thursdays. I’m taking a technology break but I’m still going to obviously be doing my weekly content for yall, so I’m not 100% off of technology because this camera is technology and my computer that I’ll be on probably Thursday is technology. I’m just not going to be on social media and I’m not going to touch my phone. I don’t have a lot to say this week because not much has changed. I’m probably not going to be leaving my house for the next 2 weeks, which will be interesting, especially while I’m not using my phone I’m going to be like, finding things to do. Which is kinda funny because I remember before back in the day I used to be like “wow I do all these things and I don’t have time for all the things I want to do!” and now today I’m like… “hmmmm what am I going to do? I don’t want to watch tv, what do I want to do?” I can’t go on a walk because it’s raining, except I’m probably going to still go on a walk, I have a rain jacket. It’s amazing how much more time you have when you’re not on your phone.
I don’t have much to say this week so I’m going to stop this video so I don’t keep rambling but I just wanted to say that I love and appreciate every single one of you so much! You are literally what keeps me fed, literally what keeps me with a roof over my head, literally what makes it so that I’m able to do any of this at all, so thank you, you mean the world to me. It’s been so awesome getting to know some of you more personally. Some of you, especially some of the newer people who have joined, I haven’t.. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation, so if you want to talk, you can comment on this post or send me an email. Yeah I think yall are awesome and I’m glad you’re my friends and I’m glad you’re here. I’m always open to hear what kinds of things you’re interested in, because I continually know that I’m going to be changing and shifting things with my website. I still don’t know exactly what that is yet, and I’m going to continue to mention it so nobody’s surprised when something changes. I’m of course going to let you know what the change is before I do it, and I don’t know what the change is yet because I haven’t decided!
I don’t have an infinite supply of nude art, and I’ve had a total of 2 photoshoots this entire year and I’ve taken like 2 or 3 self portrait sets this entire year and it’s like the end of September. My backlog won’t last forever. I feel like I’ll have started some kind of content before I actually run out of content to share. I’ve stopped modeling completely, and like I said I’ve done 2 photoshoots this year. I’ve been slowing down a lot, and reevaluating what’s important to me and yall are the reason I’m able to do that. That’s amazing, thank you so much. I think that bigger better things are coming. Maybe not even bigger, just different. Maybe not even better, just different, I don’t know. I keep thinking about meditation and energy healing and I keep taking videos of nature and I know I’m going to do something with them, I don’t know exactly what that is yet. Probably videos of meditation and energy healing haha. I feel kindof… I don’t want to say stuck… I’m in the liminal space between who I was a little over a year ago, who I was in the photos I’ve shared this weekend with yall. I’m in the liminal space between that and who I’m becoming, who I’m growing into. I’m figuring it out, day by day. I don’t actually know what I’m doing. Does anyone actually know what they’re doing? I don’t think so. I’m just glad yall are here with me. I appreciate you all. I love you, and I’ll talk to you next week! Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset of me at the entrance of a cave in Colorado during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video (+2 vlogs from before I found the cave)First Look members:
click here to view the complete self portrait photoset in Utah (Going In)
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the complete self portrait photoset in Utah (My Own Canyon)
click here to view the BTS video -
Self Portraits at the entrance of a Colorado cave
Pay What You Can & Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind this self portrait photoset of me at the entrance of a cave in Colorado during my cross country road trip last summer
- 59 image complete photoset
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21+ minutes of BTS video (+2 vlogs before I found the cave)
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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22 image complete self portrait photoset in Utah (Going In)
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2.5 minutes of BTS video
- 53 image complete self portrait photoset in Utah (My Own Canyon)
- 5 minutes of BTS video
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Self Portraits IN A CAVE!
Pay What You Can & Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind this self portrait photoset I took inside a cave in Colorado during my cross country road trip last summer
- 32 image complete photoset
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8 minutes of BTS video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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106 image complete self portrait photoset Among Goblins (also from my cross country road trip last summer)
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14 minutes of BTS video
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Self Portraits IN A CAVE!
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello friends! It’s raining again which is why I’m not outside. This week I have some really awesome photos to share with you. I have the first photoset that I’m sharing from my time in the cave on my cross country road trip last summer. I was… if you followed all the videos I made every day last summer when I was on my cross country road trip, then you know what happened before I took these, and after, because I talked about it in the vlog. If you’re new to my website I’ll do a quick recap. I had just gotten to Colorado National Mounument and I came in through some back way somehow and didn’t realize that I was actually in Colorado National Monument. I was trying to find McInnis Canyons, and while I did find the parking lot for it, I didn’t trust my van to drive where I really wanted to be, so I gave up on McInnis Canyons and I drove around the park, which is Colorado National Monument, that I didn’t actually realize was the monument because I never went through a gate. You know how at the entrances to most national parks and monuments and stuff, they have a little house thing that has a person that works there that answers your questions and takes your fee to get in and stuff, there’s usually a gate. Apparently I went in through some back way and I never saw a gate so I didn’t realize I was actually in the park.
I ended up sleeping at a trailhead in my van, I just parked at a trailhead and slept there overnight, which I was not supposed to do. The next morning I got up and as I was driving I noticed across the canyon that there was a cave on the side of the canyon, and I wanted to see if I could find it. I parked where I assumed was close-ish to the cave, on the side of the road, there wasn’t actually a parking spot. I’m still not completely aware that I’m actually in Colorado National Monument, I just thought I found some cool ass road. Looking back I should have known, but I never saw any official signs and I didn’t know. I was just real happy about where I was so I didn’t question it. I traipsed around for a little while and I took some videos on the side of the canyon, I hadn’t really found anything yet and I was about to give up, but I was like “you know what, I’m gonna continue walking over here and see what I can find” and I FOUND THE CAVE! I found the fucking cave! So I of course completely celebrated and was super fucking happy and really excited about it. I took a couple of self portrait sets in the cave and some more videos and I’m sharing one of those self portrait sets with you today. There’s like 8 minutes of video that I’m sharing from that cave also, so you get to see me really excited about it. After I was in the cave I went back to my van and I hung out there and had lunch in the van in that space that I parked that wasn’t actually a parking spot. A park ranger parked behind me and started interrogating me and thought that I had alcohol, and thought that I had all these drugs with me and thought that I was like… since I had a mason jar of water which they assumed was moonshine which… why does liquid in a mason jar automatically equate to moonshine in most people’s minds? I don’t get it, I just drink water out of them constantly. So he saw the “moonshine” and thought that… he had seen me parked at the trailhead and he thought that I was like… trying to like (TRIGGER WARNING) commit suicide. He thought I was gonna like drink my ass off and then walk off a cliff or something. Why do all of these “safety official people” people who are cops, why do they always go to the worst possible outcome? I just don’t get it. Anyway. I lied a bunch, a lot, pretending that I didn’t sleep there overnight, because I didn’t want to get in trouble, also fuck cops.
So I was super lucky and I recognize that as a white person that’s probably why I was able to get away with it. If I had darker skin, I probably, who knows what would have happened to me. Definitely not getting away with it and not having any kind of repercussion. If I was Black that would definitely be different. I just want to say I acknowledge my EXTREME privilege and I appreciate that I didn’t get in trouble for this. But yeah that was part of that adventure. If you want to see more of my daily videos that I made when I was on my cross country road trip, I’ll put a link in the caption below (CLICK HERE TO SEE) so you can go look at all of them. Anybody can see them, I posted all over 100 videos that I made for free for anyone who wants to see. So go enjoy that, there’s a bunch of nature things there. Also good luck finding which video it is because there’s a fuck ton of videos, but enjoy your searching! Yeah so that’s what I’m sharing this week with everybody.
First look members I’m sharing a photoset that’s over 100 photos from my time in Goblin Valley. I took several different sets when I was down among the goblins. The parking lot is up above the actual Goblin Valley, then there’s a big hill and down below is this huge valley of all the goblins. It’s really cool, unique interesting rock formations that they call goblins, and it’s a whole valley full of them and it’s wild and awesome. I took all of those different sets and bunched them into one really big set, so that’s available along with BTS video for first look members. It’ll eventually be coming for everyone else. I think that’s most of what I want to share today.
Also I just wanna say my tattoo is healing very well. I’m in the itchy flaky stage, so that’s fun. I’m still washing it 2-3x/day, putting lotion on a bunch. I love it so much and I’m so happy with it! I’m excited to continue, I have 2 more appointments, I have an appt in November and an appt in December to continue. It’s gonna come up here and go here and across my back and down my arm, I’m excited!
Okay this video is getting long and I’ve already told you some stories and also there’s nothing really new in my life right now because… what’s changed since last week? Not really anything. So! Yeah just wanted to say hi and I love you, and YOU YOU are the reason I’m able to do any of this at all. I appreciate you so much. It means the world to me that you support me financially and spiritually and artistically, and friendship-ly haha. Yeah it means a lot. I’m so thankful that you’re here and that I get to continue sharing with you and… yeah. Okay. I love you! MWAH! Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset I took inside a cave in Colorado during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset Among Goblins (also from my cross country road trip last summer)
click here to view the BTS video -
Desert Rock Self Portraits
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! *sigh* So if you’re into astrology you probably know that Mars Retrograde started on the 9th. It’s gonna be for 2 whole months and I’ve already been feeling it a lot. A lot of extra anxiety and my body has felt weird and weak and restless and harder to be grounded for me personally. I’ve been losing myself dissociating on social media and not being present, which I have recognized and it’s kindof an ongoing recurring thing for me. It’s not just during certain astrological transits. If I have any uncomfortable feelings at all it’s like “okay let’s distract myself from this and pretend it’s not real and ignore all my feelings” and I realize that this is not a good coping strategy. I mean it’s okay in the moment for me sometimes but usually it ends with me feeling even worse. So, I guess I’m starting this video by letting you know that I’m feeling a lot of weird complicated uncomfortable things recently, so you probably have too. I just wanted to let you know that all of our feelings are valid. This is also a reminder for me, because honestly I think that a lot of the things that I create, I really create them for myself. I have an understanding that as living beings we’re all connected, so anything I create for myself is really also for everyone else, and anything that I create for someone else is really also for me. Maybe that’s why I haven’t wanted to create hardly at all this year, I’ve felt really… disconnected from all of it. And myself. With the pandemic and being at home so much more and having so few social engagements, well basically none, except for online things. It’s really brought up a lot of past trauma things for me which hasn’t been easy. Hence, dissociating and avoiding my feelings. I just wanted to be open here with yall and let you know… not always gonna be happy, not always gonna be uplifting and creative and inspirational, you know sometimes I just need to sit in my shit, even though that’s hard to do.
*sigh* Okay, I didn’t just come here to tell you about things that are uncomfortable. I also am here to tell you about thephotosets that I’m sharing this weekend. I have a photoset, another one that I took outside of Moab in Utah that I’m sharing with everybody, including the BTS stuff, BTS video. That’ll be for everyone. I also have the first photoset that I’ll be sharing from Goblin Valley, which is also in Utah, it’s just another part of Utah, a couple hours from Moab. The first photoset that I’m sharing from Goblin Valley will be available this weekend for First Look members, and the BTS video of that too.
Yeah, so it’s kinda weird when I look back on all these self portraits from last summer. I remember experiencing them, and doing all of that, and it also feels like someone else. Because I did all of that before I really knew, uh… more of my gender identity. So it’s like, looking at a ghost almost. And I’m feeling emotional and probably gonna cry and that’s okay. I think part of why I haven’t wanted to create this year is because I have a better understanding of who I am and I have a fear of people misunderstanding my nudity as consent to be sexualized, because that’s the most uncomfortable thing for me and brings up trauma responses. And while I feel comfortable in my skin, obviously, when other people sexualize me and bring it to my attention, that’s when I have a really big problem. And for some reason when people see somebody nude on the internet it makes them think that they can send them a dick pic or expect sex from them or expect attention of any kind. No that is not the reason I exist on the internet. I’m basically here for the opposite of that, I’m here to affirm that nudity is not sexual. It could be, but that should not be the assumption. My trans identity is valid and sacred. I’m just tired of being perceived, as something that I’m not. I’m kinda just tired of being perceived in general, like please don’t perceive me. Most people’s assumptions of who I am are… wrong. And I mean it’s not my job to correct everyone and make sure that everyone knows who I am, because I value privacy and having things that are just for me. At the same time I want to be that voice and that image out in the world that affirms people like me. Cisheteromonogamy culture is so huge and their voices are so loud, that I almost feel like it’s my responsibility as someone that’s outside of that, to say that that’s not the only option, and that’s not the only valid and reasonable way to live. Also I feel like I put too much responsibility on myself, I’m just one person and I can’t open up the perspectives of everyone in the world by simply existing and sharing myself on the internet, but….. *sigh*
I want yall to know that I value and appreciate all of you so much. The fact that I continuously every week come back to make videos and share content with you is… simply because I appreciate you and I couldn’t do any of this without you. So I greatly appreciate your contribution to me being able to know more about myself, and to support myself, and to hopefully make a positive difference in the world, even if it’s not huge, as long as it’s something. Yeah things are just hard right now. I hope that you’re not taking this Mars retrograde as difficult as I’m taking it. I know that I’m just doing my best so you probably are too.
I love you and I’m thankful for you and I still feel like there’s major changes coming in terms of my website and what I offer here, but I’m still not sure what that is, but I’ll keep reminding you because change is inevitable. I’ve already changed and shifted things about my website a bunch of times already, I just don’t want to surprise you too much when things change again. But we have time because I don’t know what that is yet! Okay this video is getting long, and I don’t really have anything else to say, but I love you, thank you. <3
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset of me in the rocky desert in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset of me in Goblin Valley (Between)
click here to view the BTS video -
Desert Rock Self Portraits
Pay What You Can & Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind this self portrait photoset of me in the rocky desert in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
- 34 image complete photoset
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2 minutes of BTS video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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37 image complete self portrait photoset of me in Goblin Valley (Between)
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2.5 minutes of BTS video
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