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Desert Rock Self Portraits
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! *sigh* So if you’re into astrology you probably know that Mars Retrograde started on the 9th. It’s gonna be for 2 whole months and I’ve already been feeling it a lot. A lot of extra anxiety and my body has felt weird and weak and restless and harder to be grounded for me personally. I’ve been losing myself dissociating on social media and not being present, which I have recognized and it’s kindof an ongoing recurring thing for me. It’s not just during certain astrological transits. If I have any uncomfortable feelings at all it’s like “okay let’s distract myself from this and pretend it’s not real and ignore all my feelings” and I realize that this is not a good coping strategy. I mean it’s okay in the moment for me sometimes but usually it ends with me feeling even worse. So, I guess I’m starting this video by letting you know that I’m feeling a lot of weird complicated uncomfortable things recently, so you probably have too. I just wanted to let you know that all of our feelings are valid. This is also a reminder for me, because honestly I think that a lot of the things that I create, I really create them for myself. I have an understanding that as living beings we’re all connected, so anything I create for myself is really also for everyone else, and anything that I create for someone else is really also for me. Maybe that’s why I haven’t wanted to create hardly at all this year, I’ve felt really… disconnected from all of it. And myself. With the pandemic and being at home so much more and having so few social engagements, well basically none, except for online things. It’s really brought up a lot of past trauma things for me which hasn’t been easy. Hence, dissociating and avoiding my feelings. I just wanted to be open here with yall and let you know… not always gonna be happy, not always gonna be uplifting and creative and inspirational, you know sometimes I just need to sit in my shit, even though that’s hard to do.
*sigh* Okay, I didn’t just come here to tell you about things that are uncomfortable. I also am here to tell you about thephotosets that I’m sharing this weekend. I have a photoset, another one that I took outside of Moab in Utah that I’m sharing with everybody, including the BTS stuff, BTS video. That’ll be for everyone. I also have the first photoset that I’ll be sharing from Goblin Valley, which is also in Utah, it’s just another part of Utah, a couple hours from Moab. The first photoset that I’m sharing from Goblin Valley will be available this weekend for First Look members, and the BTS video of that too.
Yeah, so it’s kinda weird when I look back on all these self portraits from last summer. I remember experiencing them, and doing all of that, and it also feels like someone else. Because I did all of that before I really knew, uh… more of my gender identity. So it’s like, looking at a ghost almost. And I’m feeling emotional and probably gonna cry and that’s okay. I think part of why I haven’t wanted to create this year is because I have a better understanding of who I am and I have a fear of people misunderstanding my nudity as consent to be sexualized, because that’s the most uncomfortable thing for me and brings up trauma responses. And while I feel comfortable in my skin, obviously, when other people sexualize me and bring it to my attention, that’s when I have a really big problem. And for some reason when people see somebody nude on the internet it makes them think that they can send them a dick pic or expect sex from them or expect attention of any kind. No that is not the reason I exist on the internet. I’m basically here for the opposite of that, I’m here to affirm that nudity is not sexual. It could be, but that should not be the assumption. My trans identity is valid and sacred. I’m just tired of being perceived, as something that I’m not. I’m kinda just tired of being perceived in general, like please don’t perceive me. Most people’s assumptions of who I am are… wrong. And I mean it’s not my job to correct everyone and make sure that everyone knows who I am, because I value privacy and having things that are just for me. At the same time I want to be that voice and that image out in the world that affirms people like me. Cisheteromonogamy culture is so huge and their voices are so loud, that I almost feel like it’s my responsibility as someone that’s outside of that, to say that that’s not the only option, and that’s not the only valid and reasonable way to live. Also I feel like I put too much responsibility on myself, I’m just one person and I can’t open up the perspectives of everyone in the world by simply existing and sharing myself on the internet, but….. *sigh*
I want yall to know that I value and appreciate all of you so much. The fact that I continuously every week come back to make videos and share content with you is… simply because I appreciate you and I couldn’t do any of this without you. So I greatly appreciate your contribution to me being able to know more about myself, and to support myself, and to hopefully make a positive difference in the world, even if it’s not huge, as long as it’s something. Yeah things are just hard right now. I hope that you’re not taking this Mars retrograde as difficult as I’m taking it. I know that I’m just doing my best so you probably are too.
I love you and I’m thankful for you and I still feel like there’s major changes coming in terms of my website and what I offer here, but I’m still not sure what that is, but I’ll keep reminding you because change is inevitable. I’ve already changed and shifted things about my website a bunch of times already, I just don’t want to surprise you too much when things change again. But we have time because I don’t know what that is yet! Okay this video is getting long, and I don’t really have anything else to say, but I love you, thank you. <3
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset of me in the rocky desert in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset of me in Goblin Valley (Between)
click here to view the BTS video -
Formations at Dusk Self Portraits
Pay What You Can & Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind this self portrait photoset I took in Utah during my cross county road trip last summer
- 37 image complete photoset
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2 minutes of BTS video
- 19 minute video talking about reparations (content warning: I speak about injustice and violence toward BIPOC)
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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36 image complete double exposure photoset I took of Eva Luna & KH outside of Portland
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15.5 minutes of BTS video
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Formations at Dusk Self Portraits
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello, good morning. This week I’m sharing another self portrait set from Utah last summer. I have a whole lot of self portrait sets from last summer to share so this is… another one that was taken outside of Canyonlands National Park outside of Moab. It’s the road that goes to Canyonlands… it’s I mean it’s not just Canyonlands within the park that’s beautiful, it’s everything around there, so I didn’t even have to be in the park. There’s a few places to park in little parking lots on the side of the road before you get to the park. This is one of the spaces I was in, and it’s fucking gorgeous beautiful, and it was just starting to get dark so it was dusk. I have a mosquito on me, wonderful. Mosquitoes have been so bad this year. So yeah those are available for everyone to see, including the behind the scenes which is really short because I was taking all of my self portraits very quickly, you’ll see in the video, and the video is only I think 2 minutes long. And I got I think 40 or 50 self portraits in 2 minutes. I took a lot of real quick self portraits over the summer, because I didn’t know if someone was gonna find me and walk up and be like “oh there’s a naked person here” so there’s that.
I’m also sharing with everyone a video that I made last year, I think it was this time last year honestly, about reparations. If you’re a BIPOC and that is kindof triggering for you… like reparations itself I think isn’t triggering, it’s an excellent thing that we should definitely be doing. Collectively, individually, and govts and stuff, reparations need to be given out for sure, there’s no question of it in my mind. But I did discuss things that could be triggering, like the reason why we need reparations. So if that kind of thing is triggering for you, definitely use your discretion on what’s best for you and your mental health and what you want to consume or not. It will not hurt my feelings if you don’t want to watch the video. It’s basically me just talking to the camera about reparations and about this article that I read about reparations which is amazing. I’ll link it in the caption below (CLICK HERE TO READ IT) so if you want to read that article, that’s available to you. I think it’s called The Case for Reparations by… I’m probably going to butcher their name but it’s Ta-Nehisi Coates. I’m not sure if I’m saying their name right or not, but hopefully it’s close. But it’s amazing, if you need more information definitely check the article out, I’ll link to it.
Other things that I’m sharing, First Look people are getting the photos that I took of Eva Luna & KH at a nude beach outside of Portland last summer. I shared some of the single exposures that I took last week with First Look, so this week they’re getting the double exposures which are super my favorite of course duh doubles are my favorite always. I’m excited for you to see those, I have BTS for that as well, I think it’s like 15 minutes of BTS, it’s a lot longer than my self portrait BTS video. I’m excited to share all that with you this week. I don’t have a lot to say personally, there’s not really been much going on for me in a little bit. I am finding a better way to schedule my days, or I’m in the process of beginning to find a better way to schedule my days, so that’s an improvement. I’m supposed to probably start my period in the next week or so, so I’m a little more emotional currently, which I’m kinda embracing a little bit, because I have a history of not really feeling my feelings, so I want to lean into feeling my feelings because I deserve to feel them. And so do you, you deserve to feel your feelings too.
This will be a short video today, I just wanted to say hi and I love you and I’m so glad you’re here. I’d love to hear what you think about all these photos I’m sharing with you, or what your thoughts on reparations are. Honestly if your thoughts on reparations are that you don’t want to do it or it’s “unnecessary” then I don’t want to hear your opinion, because I don’t think there’s a way you can convince me that we should not do reparations. I do think that reparations can come in the form of abolishing our government, and abolishing police, and abolishing ICE and taking all the money that’s in all of those things, including our fucking military, hello. All of that money could go into the community and that could be a form of reparations. Also individually taking money out of your pocket and giving it to people of color. All of those things are wonderful. Let’s be gay and do crime.
Okay I love you thank you for being here, I would love to hear what kinds of things you’re personally doing for reparations, or ways you think it could be done through the government. I’m kindof against the government I’m totally an abolitionist, but I think there’s a way to dismantle the systems that are in place and replace them with things that actually work for everyone, but it’s just going to be a process. So this video ended up being longer than I expected, but yes okay. I love you, thank you for being here, and I’ll talk to you next week, bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset I took in Utah during my cross county road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the video talking about reparations (content warning: I speak about injustice and violence toward BIPOC)First Look members:
click here to view the photoset double exposure photoset I took of Eva Luna & KH outside of Portland
click here to view the BTS video -
Desert Dusk Self Portraits in Utah
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! I just dunked myself in this little spot, there’s a really big waterfall in that direction but it’s kinda a hike that way. I’ve been hiking today because my body needed to be in nature, my spirit needed some nourishment, and I’ve barely been in my body for days and I know that being out here is one of my most favorite and surefire ways to get me back into my body. Came out here, did some Energy Medicine yoga, did some jumping around just moving, dunked myself in water, rubbed my body all over. You know, coming home. I feel like it’s been a while. This is just a tiny bit of the amazingness that I’ve seen today and I’m so glad I came out. Today I think is Tuesday, I think I want this to be the video I share this weekend though because I feel really good and I’m right here and I just want to share the love with you. I personally have been having rough emotional times for over a year now, maybe I should get into therapy again. We’ll get there when we get there. This is therapy right here. These… sometimes these videos are also to remind myself more than anyone else, that I’m human and that I actually need breaks and I need to spend time in nature and I need time to do NOTHING. NOTHING. Unless I really want to, like hiking around in NC, or anywhere, or dancing around in my underwear or naked at my house, or lounging and just watching bingeing something. I deserve rest, I need to remind myself of this, this is your reminder. Rest could also be movement, rest could be… I mean rest is what allows you to take action. It’s just as necessary. Just wanted to share this with you. There’s campsites that way, yeah looks like it’s a pretty nice place to go camping. So… also… I would love to do more nude outdoor shoots and spend more time outside so please! Maybe I should put out a casting call, maybe I should put something in my calendar, even if it’s just with myself and no one else. I’m not sure what content I’m posting this week, I’m just doing this because I feel called to do it today. I’m sure whatever I’m sharing today, when you watch this today, is going to be wonderful because I’m really proud of all the work that I’ve created. I love you all! Thank you for spending so much time with me every week, or over time in the last like, 10+ years that I’ve been doing this. Anyone who’s followed my journey for any length of time, you’re wonderful, I super value you. I’m so thankful that you’re a part of my life. I look forward to continuing to broaden my horizons which in turn will broaden yours, I’m hoping. If not, I’m going to live my life the best that I can. I hope that I can share as much love and connection with nature as I can with everyone, because yall deserve it. I LOVE YOU!
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi! Since I didn’t remember what I was posting when I made the video the other day, I’m going to make a really short video just talking about the stuff I’m posting this week. Everybody is going to have access to the self portrait set that I took, it’s called Desert Dusk I believe. A lot of the self portrait sets that I took last summer on my cross country road trip have similar names because they were taken in similar places and all within like.. well most of them were within a few days of each other. So I never really have been very good at coming up with names for stuff and I don’t think it’s all that necessary so I just like… yeah a lot of them are named very similarly. This photoset was taken in Utah outside of Canyonlands National Park. I was driving on the road to the park which is pretty bare, there’s like nothing on the way there basically. Once you get out of Moab you’re just in desert wilderness, until you get to the parks, so I just parked on the side of the road and just… meandered. I took a bunch of photos so these are some of the photos I took in Utah. I also am sharing with everybody some stuff I took at Arabia Park/Arabia Mountain outside of Atlanta. I think it was late 2018? Like fall or almost winter 2018, I think it was cold so it was probably late 2018. (EDIT: It was February 2019) I went there, I have a friend who lives in Atlanta and I went down to see her, and another one of my friends met us there, and then I met a DIFFERENT friend who I had only known from IG and we all got together and hung out at the park and walked around and it was awesome. I have some photos and videos from that, it’s just nature stuff. I’m sharing a nude yoga video for this month this weekend. First Look people, I’m sharing the photoset that I took of Eva and KH, Eva Luna & KH, from when I was in Portland last summer. So basically just get ready for me to be posting a lot of things from last summer’s road trip, because I still have a fuck ton of content to share with you from that trip, and also I haven’t really made very much new stuff other than that but I still have so much of it to go through and share with you so I don’t feel bad about not making stuff. I need a break creatively, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and I’m proud of myself for giving myself that space because I do need it. Enjoy these photos and videos and all the things. I love you so much! I’ll talk to you soon, bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset I took in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the photos & videos from exploring Arabia Mountain outside of Atlanta GA last year (this includes videos of me absolutely BLOWN AWAY because there was a fucking BILLBOARD with my NAME ON IT basically telling me to get a divorce lol)
click here to view the nude yoga videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the photoset I took of Eva Luna & KH at a nude beach outside of Portland Oregon
click here to view the BTS video -
Washington Forest Riverside with Pure Rebel
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! We had a really big storm last night and it rained over 3 inches overnight, so a lot of the plants have been having a hard time and they’re all falling over. Poor plants. I think everything is still kinda moist. Okay, so this weekend I’m sharing with you a photoset, actually it’s 2 photosets from when I was creating with Kristy Jessica aka Pure Rebel last summer outside of Seattle we went to a waterfall in Washington and it was gorgeous! We hiked around to the actual waterfall part and there were too many people around and we just couldn’t find a good spot to shoot so we went back and down the river/creek area a little bit, down the path, and found a spot next to the water with these huge rocks and trees and it was gorgeous so we shot there. We didn’t even shoot at the official waterfall. I shot some photos of her and she shot some photos of me and it was awesome! I was also frustrated with myself because I didn’t realize it until we were at the place ready to shoot and had already hiked up the little mountain trail… that I left my film in my van. So instead of trekking back to my van and then back to the spot, I just shot digitals of her. This was well over a month into my trip and I was starting to… I don’t know be… I guess a little more tired and out of it or something. I was frustrated with myself that I forgot my film so… I think this is actually, with the exception of the photos I took of Ravyn that were digital just because she wanted some content to be able to share sooner than the film… this was the only photoset I took that was digital that I don’t have any film photos of her. Yeah, so I was frustrated and disappointed in myself that I forgot my film, but the digitals still came out really amazing and Kristy is an incredible model so I’m really excited that we got to do that.
I have some BTS video of her shooting me, I don’t have BTS of me shooting her because I was using my digital camera to shoot her and I can’t do both things with my camera at once. The first look people, I’m sharing some photos from Chris Widick in Nashville that he took of me with strawberries last summer before my trip. They’re awesome, I love these photos. I have a lot of cool new things to share with you.
I don’t have a lot of new things to share right now, by the time you watch this video it’ll be Saturday, and it’ll be very close to the event that Lior and Doug and Crossing Hedgerows are going to be co-hosting with me, Conscious Creativity 2020. We did CC last year outside of Detroit Michigan in person at Crossing Hedgerows Sanctuary which is a permaculture farm, but of course because of covid we aren’t able to do an in person event this year so we’re taking it online and I’m very excited. This usually posts at about 8am, there’s still time to sign up and join us because the event is at 1pm eastern, so if you see this video and you’re like “oh I didn’t know, let’s do this” you can still sign up, it’s at the link in my bio on IG, I think I posted about it last week too, I’ll put a link in the comments (CLICK HERE TO JOIN US FOR FREE). You won’t have a whole lot of time to sign up because it’s at 1pm but it’s FREE so please join us, we would love it! Also I’ve been doing some IG lives with Lior and Doug, I did an IG live with Lior on Wednesday and I’ll be doing one on Friday with Doug, and those are just to give you a little bit more of a preview of what to expect during the event so If you want more info you can go to IG and look at those.
What else do I want to share today? I’m doing this early again this week because tomorrow, which is Thursday for me right now, is usually the day that I do these but I will be helping my friend move, so I’m doing this a day early. Also I don’t know if you’ve noticed, my face is real mad at me. All the skin around my lips is real chapped, that’s because I’ve been making out a lot and my face is like “what are you doing?” Yeah my skin is so sensitive when I make out a lot it freaks out and gets real dry. But it also doesn’t help that I’m making out with somebody with a beard. Does this happen to you? Do you get like… really chapped around your face around your mouth when you make out with somebody? Because I do. If you do you’re not alone because look at my face. I feel like it looks ridiculous but I’m just.. you know, there’s nothing I can do about it I can just keep putting stuff on it to help it heal. And also I do not regret making out, because making out is fun.
Yeah I don’t have much else to share today and I want to get a lot of stuff done so this is your video for this week. I love you! Thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much! One day I’ll figure out other things that I want to do with all of this but for now I’m just taking it one step at a time. I love you, thank you, I’ll talk to you next week, bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Pure Rebel taken in Washington state during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the full photoset she took of me
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the photoset taken by Chris Widick in Nashville TN
click here to view the video interview with my parents about our unique relationship
click here to view the video interview with my parents & my aunt about their parents and how they grew up -
Tiffany Helms on Bainbridge Island
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello friends! I’m here again early. I’m doing this video early because later this week I’ll be out of town and probably without access to the internet, I don’t know. So today’s going to be short because I don’t have a whole lot of new things, just a couple updates.
This weekend I’m sharing photos from my trip across the country, this time it’s photos that I took of Tiffany Helms when I was visiting her on Bainbridge Island where she lives outside of Seattle. It was amazing and awesome! I think I have maybe 3 or 4 photosets to share with you from that day so this is one of the photosets. I am not going to talk too much about it because there’s a lot of behind the scenes stuff that’s awesome and you’ll get a better picture of how the shoot went by watching the BTS stuff and looking at the photos because they’re incredible. So I’m just going to leave it at that.
My update for this is I have officially decided to have the member video chats through the end of July, so that’s this week and next week. By the time you get this it will be just next week. So there’s the one that’s this Thursday the… 24th? 23rd? Time/dates are weird, coronavirus everyone’s at home, does time even matter? So this Thursday which will be before you see this video, and then the one next week which is the last week of July, those will be the last weekly member’s only video chats that I’ve been doing. I have been feeling the need to make a change and I think this is one way that I can free up my time for other endeavors that I want to invest my time and effort into in terms of the community that I want to serve and the people that I want to surround myself with. I have super enjoyed doing these video chats with yall, but I think I kinda rushed into it and didn’t really have a plan and was just like “okay lets hang out”. So in the future I’ll be doing more video hangouts, I just probably won’t have them at this frequency and this regular of a schedule like this. I do want to focus my time on teaching and healing and creating and bringing queer and trans communities together. So that’s what I’m going to be focusing my time on so I’m excited about that. That’s my main announcement thing. If you haven’t made it to any of the members video calls yet and you wanted to before it ends, after this video is released you’ll have one more chance! I think it’s the 26th or 27th, whatever the last Thursday in July is is the last one. So yeah, last chance to get in on the members only hangout before it disappears. I’ll definitely let yall know when I have more opportunities to hang out online.
I’m about to tell you about the next one I’m planning right now! August 1st is going to be an event that Lior Allay & I will be putting on together. This is a little bit separate from Going Beyond the Lens, it’s just me and Lior, we’re extending our Conscious Creativity event from last year that was in person in Detroit. Obviously we can’t really do it in person this year so we’re going to be doing it online. We’re still nailing down the time but it’s most likely going to be 1pm. I have an eventbrite page up for it already in the link in my bio on instagram, CLICK HERE to sign up for free! I just wanted to give you a heads up. We’re waiting on a couple of okays on the time from the last couple of people that are going to be participating with us before we officially start to promote it, but we’re hopefully going to have the time approved in the next day or two. By the time this video comes out it’ll probably be figured out. Today is technically Tuesday which is earlier than my usual Thursday for doing this and the Saturday that this is released. I’m excited, come join me & Lior & Crossing Hedgerows Sanctuary for Conscious Creativity 2020 online. I’m excited, it’s going to be awesome! An immersive online experience, we’re going to talk about gender and sexuality and we’re going to do embodied practices to connect to each other and ourselves. Please join, we would love to have you, it’s FREE! There is an option to donate if you would like to donate to us for future events to happen more frequently or… you know. If you want to donate to the little community we’re creating, that’s an option but for everyone, you can join for free!
That’s all the major info I have to share with you today. I love you so much! Have a great day! Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Tiffany Helms on Bainbridge Island from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the nude videos at Hidden Lake in Glacier National Park
click here to view the nature videos at Moonstone Beach in California -
Art Nuance & Evyenia Karapolous
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! So… gosh weeks go by so fast now. This week I’m sharing I think it’s 3 photosets actually, that I have modeled for, for my friend Nuance Artistry. One of the sets is in a studio, one of the sets is in an abandoned mill, and the other set is with another model. I always say her name wrong. I can spell it really well, but I don’t know if I’m going to say it right so I’m sorry. Evyenia Karapolous, she goes by a different name in real life, that’s her modeling name so I just call her the name that she goes by in real life but that’s not her modeling name. I think these are really great, these are older sets taken probably… 2 more more years ago now. Which feels weird, because time is really really weird.
I think the stuff that’s going into first look is the last time I saw Roarie Yum in person. They modeled for a photographer friend of mine PhotoWyse and I took some behind the scenes stuff and that’s what I’m sharing in First Look is the behind the scenes stuff that I took of Roarie during their shoot with Terry. I’m also sharing to video people the nude yoga video for this month! So yay.
I dont have a lot to say today, I feel like…. so I think I might switch up my schedule again in terms of what I’m doing during the week. I don’t know. Because after July I don’t have very much planned. On Mondays on youtube I’m doing that ecosexual series, and that’ll be finished in 2 weeks I think. I don’t really have anything planned for after that so I might take a break on that. I’ve really been enjoying the Thursday group hangout member gathering things, the video hangouts, but I also feel like maybe I should have more structure around it or change it up for something else. I haven’t decided. I feel like I’m perpetually switching up what I want to do. So I appreciate that yall want to hang around! I for sure am going to do the members hangout this week, which by the time you get this will have already happened because it’s tonight, Thursday night, not Saturday when this is going to be uploaded. Part of me wants to pause those for a little bit and recalibrate. I started doing them kindof at the beginning of quarantine as a way to stay connected, and they’ve been really fun, but at the same time… it’s just hanging out. And I feel like I want more than that, but I also don’t know exactly what I want that to be. But I also know that I want to have time for expanding things in the future like maybe teaching courses, queer hangouts, trans support group… I don’t know! I might switch stuff up, I might slow down or have more structure to or cancel or change the schedule for the group chats. I just know that something isn’t quite how I want it to be yet and I just don’t know where I want to go yet. I change so much! I’m glad that I’m not stagnant and stuck in the same thing over and over again, but I am noticing the need for change, I’m just not quite in the place where I know what that is yet.
I probably will no longer model for photographers, at least for a while, unless they’re like queer and/or trans people. I haven’t really wanted to model in a while and it just feels like another way for people to consume me in a way that is not really me. Because my naked body most people think (some flying thing just came into my space)… my naked body gets attention from people that I don’t necessarily want attention from, and I definitely don’t want sexual attention from like anybody. I feel like if I’m less naked (AHH what’s with the bugs today! there was a bug that was crawling on my foot!) I feel like if I’m less naked on the internet I’ll get less attention in the ways that I don’t want. I also feel like me being naked on the internet is a good chunk of the reason why people give me money and how I can pay my rent so that’s complicated. I definitely want to switch to a more queer trans ecosexual healing kindof platform, but I don’t know how to do that in a way that I’m still sustaining my self financially. I just know that I have way too many cis straight men who follow me and want to work with me, and that’s not really the like… I mean I love all of you people who are here of course… but in terms of new people finding me I’d much rather them be queer or trans or women or you know… not cis straight men. Sorry. Queer people are my people! Trans people are my people! Ecosexual people are my people! Cis straight men are not really my people. I have some wonderful cis straight men in my life that I super appreciate and love a whole lot, but in terms of the audience that I want to gather around myself and the community I want to create around myself and my business is not going to be catered to cis straight men and they are not the people I want to gather around me in large quantities. Because most of them probably see me as a woman and probably see me as somebody they want to have sex with and I do not want either of those things from them. Maybe that’s me not having enough faith in cis straight men to understand my queerness and to not objectify me and sexualize me, but based on my 30 years of life experience, I don’t have a lot of faith in cis straight men doing those things, unfortunately.
I just don’t know what to do to change things to be more of what I want them to be. I guess I just need to show up in the way that is authentic to myself and that will draw the right people around me because if I’m myself then more people like me will find me. I just feel like, I don’t want my work to be centered around…. okay so I love nudity and I DO want my work to be centered around nudity, but I want it to be centered around nudity in a non-sexual way that is healing and affirming and inclusive and NOT in a sexual or exploitative or objectifying in any way. I don’t know, I just know things need to change and I’m not exactly sure what that is yet or what that means. I just appreciate yall being here along for the ride. I’m always changing so my website is always changing and the things I’m doing are always changing. So I appreciate you being here in whatever capacity you’re here, if you’re a cis straight man I hope I didn’t make you too upset. Maybe go through my youtube and look at all my ecosexual stuff and in my resources here on my website I have a video on gender and sexuality that’s over an hour long. So if some of the queerness things are intriguing to you, I have resources already that I would love for you to check out, that’s more of my face talking to you!
I think it’s kinda interesting that… I was looking at some of the videos that I made last summer during my cross country road trip and I was thinking about how different I am from the person that I was last year and it’s made me a little bit sad because I was so much happier last summer when I was in all the nature. Here now is like, quarantine and stress and isolation and stuckness and a lot of numbness so I don’t quite know how to reconcile that and I realize that the whole entire planet is going through a lot right now with all of the oppression and fear and all the bullshit. It makes sense that I’m not the same happy person that I was last year. I also miss that person! I miss being completely overjoyed by rounding a corner and finding some vast amazing landscape, I miss being able to get in my van and just GO and stop anywhere and hang out and not worry about germs and play naked in a pile with other naked people and hang out and cuddle. I just… you probably feel it too. Everything’s harder this year. Thanks 2020!
I just want to find a way that I can share and affirm and honor queerness and transness and uplift that, and heal through that. I’m not quite sure what that means yet, but I’m working in that direction. Thank you for exploring existence with me. I love you, thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much. Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full studio photoset with Nuance Artistry
click here for the abandoned mill photoset
click here for the photoset with Evyenia Karapolous
click here to view the BTS videos
click here to view the nude yoga video for JulyFirst Look members:
click here to view the BTS photos & videos from Roarie Yum‘s shoot with PhotoWyse -
Ravyn Alexa in the greenhouse
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello good morning! It’s like 9:30 this morning right now where I am home here. Let’s see… oh it cut off the top of my head… I guess I’ll just hold it. This week I’m sharing with you a photoset that I took of Ravyn Alexa in Portland Oregon, I took this when I was there last summer. It was very fun, Ravyn at the time was living with Corwin Prescott and Nicole Vaunt. If you’ve been in the art world for any amount of time you’ve probably heard those names before. I super briefly met Vaunt like, basically just saying hello, but they were doing some kind of workshop thing there so they were busy so I didn’t get to officially officially meet either of them, but Ravyn used to live with them so Ravyn and I were roaming around the yard and taking photos and it was really great. I’ve already shared some photos from that day with you and I think this is the last photoset that I have. Pretty sure, I don’t think I have any others that I took of Ravyn when I was there. You’ve probably seen the ones of Ravyn and the hydrangeas, and the flowers, and the waterfall double exposures… I’m pretty sure this is the last set that I haven’t shared with you yet, so this is Ravyn in a greenhouse!
The only other thing I really wanted to talk about today was…. I GOT SILKS! If you’ve been around for any length of time you probably know that I used to do aerial silks on a regular basis for about 3 or 4 years. Obviously since COVID it’s not a real safe thing to go to an aerial studio and be around other people. And even before that I had to stop… actually it was over a year ago when I stopped going to class because (there was a bug that was flying to me), because of my budget. It was either keep going to silks classes or get my van. So obviously you know I got my van for my road trip last year so I was taking my silks money and putting it toward the van instead of silks. After doing a bunch of thinking about it and super missing silks…. over time with all of the classes and training that I did I had already spent thousands of dollars, I think it was over $5k just in all the training that I got, and I couldn’t do anything with it because I didn’t have silks. I could do yoga stuff but it’s not the same. I mean, yoga is still wonderful but it’s not like hanging upside down from a silk. So I finally I saved up money and I bought myself a rig and silks and they are now in my bedroom!! So of course it’s super short and I can’t actually climb it or anything. The rig that I have is an adjustable height and it can go between 5-11ft so at some point I’m going to take it outside and make it real tall so I can climb it and really play on the silks. Right now I have it set up as a silk “pole” but I’m probably going to switch it to a silk hammock while it’s in my room and short, because I can do more with a hammock with it being short than I can with silks. I’m super excited, it came in yesterday, today’s Thursday and you’re going to see this Saturday, but it came in Wednesday and we set it up immediately, my dad helped me. It’s definitely a 2 person job to set up this rig because it’s heavy duty and amazing and I’m so exciteddddd!
This is going to be a short video this week because I want to spend more time on my silks! Yay! So… look for silks videos in the future because that’s a thing again now. Yay I’m so excited I’ve missed it so much. I think that’s all I have to say today. I did a lot of computer work yesterday and I know I have more computer work on my plate today but I’m hoping it wont take as long so I can spend more time playing with silks!
I love you so much, thank you for being here. I know that all of my changing is not done yet and it probably honestly will never be done, I’ll probably always be changing and growing and shifting, and I just appreciate yall being here with me through all of it and… I love you so much!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Ravyn Alexa in a greenhouse in Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the video of me talking about ecosexuality and attraction (nude)
click here to view the video of me talking about ecosexuality and sex (nude) -
Lassen Volcanic National Park with From the Edge Photography
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Good morning! Happy Thursday for me, happy Saturday for you! I’m gonna set this down I think, let’s see if I can do this. Almost. I have to be really far away. Happy Saturday! Hope you can hear me! So today is July 4th, well not today that I’m making this but today when you’re going to be seeing this, and it is not really cause for celebration for me. If you know anything about the history of the United States you’re probably not a fan of July 4th either. Independence from who? Independence for who? Yeah, whatever.So today I’m sharing a photoset that was actually taken on July 4th last year when I was on my cross country road trip last summer. I was in Lassen Volcanic National Park in Northern California. When I was there I saw lots of snow, on July 4th yes, I saw a lake that was completely covered in ice. It was beautiful. I saw trees that had been burned, and it’s a very varied landscape there but it was beautiful. I met up with a photographer there named From the Edge Photography. We camped overnight and got up the next morning and took a bunch of photos in a bunch of places, mostly just hiking away from where our campsite was, into the woods, and that was great. I think he might be sending me more photos in the future but for now I’m just going to share the photos that I have and all of the videos that I have. Some of the videos I think he.. I think they’re like sideways, instead of vertical like they should be, I think they’re sideways. I may or may not be able to fix that before I share them. We’ll see if it’s extremely time consuming to fix it or not, and if it is extremely time consuming then I’m sorry they’re sideways but if it’s something that can be done in a reasonable time then I will do it. So I just thought it would be funny and interesting and cool to share photos this July 4th that I was modeling for on July 4th last year!
I don’t know what else I want to share right now, I’ve been kinda busy doing my own thing and also getting stuff prepared for Going Beyond the Lens with Lior and Roarie, which has been really wonderful and I’ve really loved it, and we have a lot of things that we’d like to do and ideas… I’ll put the link in the caption (CLICK HERE!) of where you can go to sign up for updates. We have another online event coming up for free on July 18th at 1pm. When you go to the link (HERE!) there’s a place to sign up for the Going Beyond the Lens mailing list and that’s where if you’re on that mailing list then you’ll be invited and get all the information on how to join that free video gathering discussion thing. I’m excited, it’s been a really fun project to work on, and I really love working with Lior and Roarie, they’re wonderful people and I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. Our first event on Vulnerability in May was really excellent and I felt like we had a lot of really good conversation and dialogue with the participants which I really enjoyed, and for it being our first event we had a pretty decent turnout so I’m pretty excited about how well it went. I’m hopeful that it’ll be a really good turn out for this next one. I think this kind of community for artists where we can gather and talk to each other about art and what it means for us and the ways we go about doing things, I think it’s important and needed, I think there’s a lot of artists that have been yearning and searching for this, I know I have, so I’m really thankful to be a part of this. To help facilitate the gathering of creators and the broadening of our perspectives, I think that’s really great and I’m excited.
What else do I want to talk about? I don’t usually make a plan for what I want these videos to say, I usually just look at my plan for what I’m releasing and just make the video go from there. That’s probably why I’m always like “what am I going to talk about? I don’t know what I want to say.” I haven’t forgotten about the double exposure ebook and the reviews I’m asking for yall to do in exchange for the ebook. I’ve just had a lot on my plate so it’s something I’ve been working on a little bit at a time. I’m not sure if I want to make the ebook much longer or if I want to keep it short and sweet, but there’s at least 20-30 photos in there already, and it’s a 16 page ebook so far. I might just finish it and continue. I’ve also been working on a double exposure mini course, an ebook pdf on how to do double exposures on 35mm film, and it’ll include some links to videos I’ve made for what to do on the cameras and how to load the film and all that kinda stuff, so I’m also working on that. My fingers are in a lot of places. I’ve also like… I posted nothing on my IG in June. I made like 3 posts on June 1st and then I didn’t post anything other than stuff on my stories. So I think I’ll probably start maybe posting again hopefully. I feel like I need to have important things to say and I’ve allowed myself to think about it too much and that has kept me from actually doing it. So there’s that.
Yeah that’s all I have to say today, I hope you enjoy this photoset and these videos from my time last July 4th in Lassen Volcanic National Park with From the Edge Photography.
Video members:
click here and click here to view the full photosets of me at Lassen Volcanic National Park taken by From the Edge Photography
click here to view the BTS videosFirst Look members:
click here to view the video of me hanging out in the back yard during quarantine
click here to view video of me playing with kittens and moving my body -
Tiffany Nacke
Ahh! Hello, I was walking through the tree and it was lower than I thought it was. I’m happy to be here with you again this week! I just walked through a spiderweb. So of course I want to come outside where it feels good and I can put my feet on the ground. So this week I’m sharing a photoset and behind the scenes video from a photoshoot that I did in southern… central Illinois with Tiffany Nacke. I have shot with her a couple of times before but I was actually going through the town where she lives, her home base, home town, or gonna be really close to it on my cross country road trip last summer. She was basically the first stop that I made. I basically drove from my house to Tiffany Nacke’s house in Illinois in the first day of my trip. I might have slept overnight in my car on the way there, but I think I had my first night at her place. I could look back at my calendar to make sure but… this was the very beginning of my trip. She and I took photos of each other and I did an interview with her which I will hopefully be sharing on my youtube soonish. I have so much content that I don’t know what to do with, I don’t know when to share it, I just get overwhelmed and I’m like “oh, I’m just going to hoard it all to myself” I dont know why I do that. I’m excited to share that photoset with you I think they’re great they’re in her bedroom and she has several cats and a couple of them joined us for the shoot so that was cute and fun. I’m sure you’ll like them, any cat lovers here will be excited about this photoset.
Not much is new for me right now, I’m thinking of all the cool things that I want to do with all the videos that I have, but that just involves me being on a computer doing a lot of video editing, and I haven’t taken a whole lot of time to do that yet. It is on my list of things that I want to work on because I want to get better at video editing and have more short highlight reel type videos for yall and promotional videos I can share on social media. I have so many videos! I have over 2000 videos! Probably more than that, those are just in the paid members section, I have way more that are free! Even just counting the videos that I made every day on my cross country road trip last summer, that are all free. Also if you’re new here and you didn’t know that was available, I’ll put a link in the caption so that you can see all the free stuff of all of my travel photos of all the beautiful landscapes that I saw and all of the videos that I made every day I was on my road trip, those are all available for free. (click here for the massive blog post about it and click here for the free galleries!!!) And if you’re a member and you’re watching this anyway, the photos and videos I made there that are NOT free, you’re a member here, you’ll have access to those really soon because they’re coming out in the next few weeks because I have SO MUCH! So look forward to all of that, I’m excited to share with you.
I’ve had an idea for a fundraiser but it didn’t feel quite right so I haven’t announced it yet, and now I have an even better idea for a fundraiser, like what I want to do with the funds because that’s what was not feeling quite right. I have an even better idea and I’m excited to start fleshing that out more for myself because I think it’s going to be awesome. So keep an eye out for a fundraiser, I’m going to be posting about that hopefully soon. I’m excited and I have some ideas that I would like to flesh out so I don’t want to say too much about it yet because it’s not 100% ready, but it’s on the way.
ALSO another thing that’s on the way! I’m in the process of making a mini ebook of some of my favorite double exposures I’ve taken that involve people and nature (which is most of the double exposures that I take), this is… I think I have maybe 16 pages or so in this book so far, and I think that might be all that I do, but there’s one or two images per page so that’s a lot more than just 16 photos. I’m excited to share those. That ebook will be available for purchase and I’ll be giving the money to some kind of fund, I’m not sure yet, or at least a percentage of it, but if you don’t want to purchase it I’ll have an option for if you’re a member that you can get it for free! I’m going to make a post about it soon because it’s not quite ready but just to give you a quick heads up, if you write a review for your membership through my shop, so if you go to the sale page for the membership while you’re logged in and scroll down, it has a place for you to leave a review. If you leave a review of your membership I’ll send you this mini ebook of my double exposures for free as a thank you for writing the review. So anybody who’s written a review before the ebook comes out, you’re still going to be getting the ebook in your email so even if you do it today and the ebook isn’t ready yet, you’ll get it when it’s ready. Or you can wait til I make a post about it, either way. I think reviews help people to understand the value that I bring with the memberships and it helps bring more people into this community, and it helps me know what you like that I’m doing so I can do more of that! Reviews are awesome, I super appreciate it if you do leave reviews. I’ve had Don write a couple of reviews for me and those have been great, and Doug has also done some reviews in the past too, just not in this way, but he did a write up of a review before back when I was doing patreon. So anybody that wants that double exposure e-book for free I’ll email it to you once it’s done if you’ve written a review, or I’ll have an option for you to purchase it in my store.
I think that’s all I have to say today, because not much has changed since last week. I did have a photoshoot yesterday (Wednesday) but the photos won’t be coming out on my website, they’re just for the model for their OnlyFans. That was really fun, it was actually my first shoot this year of someone else so that was really great, and I’m hoping that we can get together again so that I can take some double exposures of them because I have some film from my trip still for double exposures. I’m very excited, I hope we do it! But yeah the photos we took yesterday are exclusive to their OnlyFans. I shot with Lauren / Portraitmami, their Onlyfans link is HERE.
That’s all I have to say. Thank you so much! I love you and I’ll talk to you again next week!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Tiffany Nacke in her home in Illinois during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the medium format film photoset of Lior Allay that I assisted with
click here to view the photos/videos from my road trip with Lior Allay last fall
click here to view the video of me doing intuitive movements & yoga