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V & baby
Video members now have access to:
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vlog with the story behind this photoset of V & her son
- 24 image complete photoset
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36 minutes Scorpio Full Moon life reset video from May 2019 – watch me reorganize my crystals and magickal supplies
- 14+ minute nude yoga video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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12 minute vlog at Colorado National Monument (Live Life For You)
- 6 minute vlog at Colorado National Monument (before I found the cave!)
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V & baby
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! Good morning! I kinda feel like just walking around a little bit today so I’m probably going to walk and do this, I hope it’s not too distracting to yall. So much has been happening, I’m excited that systemic racism is becoming very apparent to most of society because that is important because we can’t fix anything if we don’t know what’s wrong. I just keep getting very angry when I go on social media so today I’m going to focus on work because the last few days I’ve basically gotten stuck on social media for several hours at a time sometimes and that is not good for my mental health. I’m sure it’s not good for anybody’s really.
This weekend I’m sharing a photoset that I took of my friend V at her house. I’m lucky enough that she lives not too far from me, she lives less than an hour away. I took these sometime last year, it was not super long after she had her baby (there’s a squirrel all over that fence over there) so she had her baby and we took some photos and I think they’re wonderful. Since then she has had another baby and I believe I have already shared photos of her pregnant with that baby, I think? I can’t keep up. These photos are really great, I really enjoyed taking them. It’s always kinda funny to figure out how to take photos when babies are involved because they don’t understand language yet, and even if they did they’re going to be like “well, I’m going to do my own thing” because they’re babies. Wrangling babies isn’t my specialty, I’ve only done a couple of shoots that have involved children or babies, and I think most of them have been with V actually, so they’re a little bit more rare in terms of the quantity of shoots that I create with people that have babies, there aren’t very many. I can’t think of any others right now off the top of my head so I think the only ones I have are of V. (EDIT: I’ve since remembered that I’ve taken newborn photos for my aunt when one of my cousins was born) She’s always wonderful to take photos of, I love her enthusiasm and her willingness to be creative and try new things and just hang out, she’s super sweet.
What else do I want to talk about? The video that I’m sharing today (technically not today today when I’m making this video bc it’s Thursday but today when you’re seeing this video), the video I’m sharing I took in May of 2019. This was not long before I left for my cross country road trip last summer and it was during the Scorpio Full Moon. It was basically a life reset for me, I was energetically resetting my room, I moved around all of my furniture and I was redoing my altar and where all my crystals were. I have since moved again so everything’s different from where they were, but this video is just me redoing all my crystals and my altar stuff. Symbolically and energetically resetting my life during that full moon. I think it’s like 30 minutes of video or something, it’s a lot of video, but it’s just me doing that, so that’s pretty cool. I believe I was also on my period, which is… ah I am so connected to my period, I love having my period, it’s a really great release, physically energetically emotionally.
What else do I want to talk to you about today? I think last week I told you about how I had finished my backlog, which I am very excited about! Finally! It’s taken me like a year to finish it. What else… yes I am walking around in circles around the magnolia tree. The light here is really good I think I might just stay here though. Ok so I have some ideas for things that I want to do but I have to actually spend time doing them in order to get them done. I don’t want to say too much about that right now, I’m just thinking out loud. Yesterday I took some really experimental photos, yes I took photos again! Like twice in a month which is something I haven’t done in 6+ months. I got out a panoramic pinhole camera that my dad and I made out of wood and metal when I was in college so that was like 10 fucking years ago holy shit. I graduated from high school 12 years ago, time is weird! Time does not make sense. But my dad and I made this camera, it’s a panoramic pinhole camera and it takes medium format film. I had a roll of color, I think it’s color film, I don’t even know for sure honestly, it was expired, I think it was Konica film, I have no idea how expired it was, probably pretty expired. 220 format, so it’s 120 but twice as long, so it’s twice as many photos. I hope it’s color because I want to see them in color, but I shot this whole roll with my panoramic pinhole camera out here in the back yard yesterday. I have no fucking idea if any of it’s going to come out at all, for multiple reasons. I’m not even sure I loaded the film right! I’m pretty sure I did because I went back in and checked it before I started. I’m not sure I loaded the film right, the film was very expired, I was partially guessing on the exposure. I did check the exposure but this thing isn’t an exact science, it’s a pinhole, I can’t measure the aperture of a pinhole, so I think it’s around f/150 which is fucking tiny. I think it’s between f/150 – f/200. To give you an idea of how tiny that is, a lot of people shoot at an aperture of f/16, f/11, f/8, f/4, or f/2.8 so f/150 and f/200 is fucking tiny. It’s a pinhole, literally a pin hole in a piece of metal, like tiny hole. But I’m really excited, I hope they come out, I have no idea if they will and it’s ok if they don’t, it was a fun adventure if they don’t come out. I thought about it after the fact that I didn’t take any BTS video, so I don’t have any video, so I don’t have any evidence of it unless the photos come out. It was a fun creative activity anyway whether or not it comes out. I was outside naked in the back yard being creative, that was the fun that I wanted to have and I had it!
I think that’s all I have to share today. I just wanted to say that I love you, and I hope you’re having a wonderful day. I personally am feeling better today even though today is the start of Mercury Retrograde, I think it’s Retrograde through the 12th of July, so hopefully I don’t have any electronic problems. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling like I can’t come up with any words for this because communication is weird during Mercury Retrograde, so I’m just like… I don’t know. I hope you’re having a wonderful day. I love you, thank you so much for being here with me, and I’m excited to keep sharing… whatever I share with you. Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of V & her son
click here to view the Scorpio Full Moon life reset video from May 2019 – watch me reorganize my crystals and magickal supplies
click here to view the nude yoga video for this monthFirst Look members:
click here to view the vlog at Colorado National Monument (Live Life For You)
click here to view the vlog at Colorado National Monument (before I found the cave!) -
Conscious Creativity 2019
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! So… I always come over here because it’s shady and I have very pale skin and need to stay in the shade. AW! I just got excited because I just found a little tiny poplar leaf. Love notes from the universe, I love it!
Ok so this week I am sharing several photosets that are from last fall when Lior Allay and I went to Michigan and did our Conscious Creativity event. I’m really excited to share these with you. I have photos taken from Lior, photos that were taken by… oh gosh I have a bunch of photos… I’m sharing the photos that Doug Pierce took (Hi Doug!) and photos that were taken by a person that their screen name is Brat_trainer, he took double exposures with a roll of film that I took in Valley of Fire… what other photos am I sharing? I think that’s all of the photos I’m sharing from the event. (EDIT I’m also sharing photos from Robert Beech who shot wet plates!) It was an amazing event, it was so fun! It was one of the last events that I did before covid hit and made it so that it’s harder for people to get together in person. Somebody is mowing their lawn… or something. Do you like my new glasses? Yeah this event was super awesome, I had a really amazing fun time there, it was super great, it was really connecting, it was really fun, it was hot. It was at a permaculture farm outside of Detroit called Crossing Hedgerows Sanctuary very much recommend anyone that’s out in that area to check them out, it’s an amazing location and I’m so thankful for them giving us the ability to hang out and have our event there, that was wonderful. I’m just thinking back fondly, it was really fun. It was a creative educational community supportive fun gathering, it was just great.
What else do I want to talk about this week? Oh! I just created a pay what you can membership, the membership is either $15, $10, $5, $3 or $1 based on what the person’s ability is to pay. The $1 ones are specifically for Black, Indigenous, and People of Color only. The reason I’m able to have a pay what you can membership is because of those of you who have the higher level memberships. Your membership is allowing me to have those discounted memberships for other people, so thank you so much for that. I appreciate you so much! Yeah I’m just excited about it, I want my work to be accessible to everyone and I think this is a great way to make it accessible. I mean, I already have a ton of free stuff, but in terms of my memberships for the paid things, I want to make them accessible and this is the way I’m making it accessible, and it is thanks to yalls help because you’re already here supporting me and that allows me to support the rest of the community with cheaper options for memberships so I thank you so much! The pay what you can membership is basically the video membership at a discounted rate. I went through and did more planning and organizing and I figured out that I have enough content to go through Halloween at least! I have so much content, it’s ridiculous yall. Honestly it can probably go longer than that, that’s just what I planned out for, and that’s still including me not really creating anything.
Last Sunday I took a self portrait set for the first time since last summer, so that was interesting. I did a double exposure self portrait set with photos I took in Utah over the summer last year. I am a little bit disappointed because most of them didn’t come out. More than half of the roll is just landscapes because I should have overexposed the images of me and I didn’t, I wasn’t paying as much attention to the exposure because it was me taking self portraits and I was just trying to do it quickly and easily and I should have been more particular with how I was doing it but, it was a fun experience and that’s all that matters. I did get a handful that are really good that did come out as doubles, but a lot of the roll is just all you can see is landscapes and very very very very faint maybe see a body in some of them so… a little disappointed in myself that a chunk of the roll didn’t really come out as doubles but I love the landscapes anyway because it’s one of my favorite places.
AHHHHH I just noticed a snail! Oh my gosh so cute! I don’t know if I can show you… let’s see… I’m gonna just like, cheat it. Nope I can’t do it, I can’t show you, I mean I maybe can, lets see…. oooop this thing doesn’t want to. I’ll take a picture and show you later. I just looked down in the grass and there’s this real cute snail just like slinkin along in the grass it’s really adorable. Yeah it’s so cute, so yeah, me, excited. Ok sooooo what else do I want to tell you? I don’t think I really have anything right now. I’m focusing my efforts on gathering information and figuring out what I want to do to do my part to make Black people’s lives better. As a white person that’s my job. If you’re also a white person and you don’t know where to start, you can go to my instagram and I have a whole bunch of stuff saved in my “protests” highlight, I have 2 of them now. So check those out if you need a place to start. I’ll probably be sending out an email newsletter with a lot of resources also in the coming weeks. I’m still gathering resources and still thinking about what I want to do. I have some ideas of what I personally want to do to help my local community, I’m still figuring that out. Yeah I think that’s all I have to say today. I’m excited to share these Conscious Creativity photos with you. I love you so much! Thank you for being here. I look forward to all of the changes that happen in the future because I know more are coming and I know it’s going to be for the better of everyone and… yeah. Thank you. I love you! Have a good day.
Here’s the cute snail I saw:
Lior Allay‘s photos:
Doug Pierce‘s photos:
Robert Beech‘s photos:
Brat_trainer‘s photos:
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset taken by Lior Allay
click here to view the full photoset taken by Doug Pierce
click here to view the full photoset taken by Brat_trainer double exposed over my images of Valley of Fire
click here to view the full photoset taken by Robert Beech on wet plates + 1 medium format film double exposure
click here to view the BTS videos & photosFirst Look members:
click here to view the 10 minute vlog – an intro to Bunny Luna! (I shot this in December and haven’t done anything with it yet haha)
click here to view the unedited self portraits I took at my sister’s house last year -
Amanda Jane Maternity
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! Today is Thursday again, so I’ll talk about the photoset that’s coming out this weekend first. I wanted to come out here where it’s shady. So this weekend I’m sharing a photoset that I took a year or two ago of Amanda Jane who doesn’t, well, she does have social media but she wants to be anonymous, or kinda anonymous. She is actually the partner of my exes brother who I photographed her in Florida, if you’ve been a patron for a while you’ve seen the pregnancy photos I took of her in Florida, some of them were in the ocean in the water it was awesome. She had that baby and then she got pregnant again and I’ve photographed her while she was pregnant for both of her pregnancies. This one that I’m sharing with you this time were images that I took of her in my back yard (here!) during her second pregnancy, so I’m excited to share those with you, I think they’re really awesome. I believe I have Instax AND film to share with you so look forward to that!
What else do I want to talk about? Um… so much has been going on in the world. CONTENT WARNING: I’m going to be talking about racism and violence from the police so if you don’t want to hear about that you can skip through. When I’m done talking about that I’ll wave my hands a bunch so you can skip to find that, how about that? So when you see me doing this then I’m done, it’s the end of the trigger warning.
So what’s going on this country right now is FUCKED UP and it’s been going on for 400 years basically and its seemingly just now coming to the surface for most white people who are actually finally realizing this is happening sadly because we’ve all been gaslit and lied to basically our whole lives, and we’ve been taught and had propaganda shoved down our throats about how cops are good and how everyone is equal, which both of those are lies. I have been really mad a lot lately and it’s totally justified and yeah rage is valid and I’m going to say it could definitely be healing, especially for Black people. If they can let their emotions out then that is excellent because they deserve to be able to have all of their emotions even if they’re hard for us white people to witness or understand. It’s our duty as white people with fuck tons of privilege to let Black people have all the feels that they fucking want to have. Period. So yeah I’m totally FOR everything that Black people are doing to have their voices heard. If you’re a white person and you’re talking about how looting shouldn’t happen and violence and fires and stuff shouldn’t happen, you can either google why that is totally wrong and why all of these things are valid and worthy expressions of emotion and if you have a problem understanding that then please send me a message and I can send you some resources because you should not be reaching out to Black people for that because they already have enough on their fucking plate than having a white person coming into their emails or DMs and asking for education. It is not their job to do emotional labor for free for a fucking white person. So as a white person, I am taking on some of that emotional labor, if you really need some resources about how everything that’s happening right now needs to happen, then reach out to me and I can send you some info. You don’t even really need to reach out to me, you can just go on my instagram and look at my protest highlights, there’s a fuck ton of information, I have 2 highlights now because I filled up the first highlight. And also in my instagram bio I have a link to a lot of resources for things that you can do to help with this cause. I know that police violence and racism is something that’s really big for a lot of people to talk about right now because that’s what’s happening, but that doesn’t mean that this is the only time that its happened and it doesn’t mean that right now is the time to talk about it and then next week we’re going to forget about it. This has to be an ongoing conversation until police are abolished and the fucking militarization of our country in general is taken down and ended. My personal view which I think a lot of people would agree with me is that we need to completely abolish police and all military, period. All it does is further separates us and further traumatizes us and hurts everyone and if instead of spending all the money on military and police, if we spent that money on healthcare, mental health, trauma resolution, trauma healing, food banks, housing (especially for Black people), if we took all of the money from military and police and put it towards our communities, we wouldn’t need the police anyway. They just continue and provoke and incite violence. I have a lot of feelings about this and if you have different feelings from me please don’t try to convince me otherwise because I can’t be convinced, because I know that especially Black people deserve way fucking better than this and we need to start working in that direction. Also reparations need to happen. Just because you personally didn’t own slaves doesn’t mean that your ancestors didn’t. As a white person it’s our responsibility to dismantle racism, it’s not Black people’s responsibility. They are the victims of racism, it’s not their responsibility to do anything about it, they just need to survive and take care of themselves, and do whatever the fuck they want to do. Period.
END OF CONTENT WARNING if anyone was fast forwarding you can come back to me, I’m going to talk about different things now.
This weekend I’m going to be offline Friday Saturday and Sunday, so that’s starting tomorrow. I planned this a couple weeks ago where I’m going to be doing an at home retreat and self care. I’ve been doing a bunch of things up to now in terms of helping people and giving information to people about the things I was just talking about. And also doing actionable things myself but I don’t want to say exactly what I’ve been doing because it’s important to not give evidence to the cops haha. This weekend is kindof an emotionally big weekend for me. There’s an important date this weekend that I wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself around. Also on Friday there’s a fucking um… (it will have been yesterday by the time you watch this, bc today is Thursday but when I post this it will be Saturday) so yesterday, Friday, was a full moon and an eclipse and if you haven’t already noticed it in your own life, full moons, even without eclipses, full moons like turbo-charge our emotions and eclipses intensify that even more. So I wanted to definitely make sure I was taking care of myself, also because the moon is in Sagittarius, which is my sun and moon, the moon is in Sagittarius during the eclipse on Friday so that felt personal to me. And just with everything going on and I’ve been really stressed out and feeling all kinds of feelings so I know that I really need to take care of myself. So I won’t be available this weekend at all. I probably won’t even be on my phone or on Instagram or anything, I plan on spending a lot of time outside and moving my body and taking baths and doing ritual stuff and whatever the fuck I feel like doing. So if you need to reach out to me, expect for me to answer next week.
So… yeah. In terms of what I already had planned for my photosets and video releases here on my website, this weekend was the last one that I had planned, but I do have a lot more content to share I just haven’t planned out what I’m sharing when, so I know I still probably have at least a month’s worth of content to share with you. Once I get through all that content, I still haven’t taken any new photosets, once I finish that, I know I’m going to continue doing videos and probably photos at some point, I just don’t know when. So the way that I have my website will probably shift a little bit more again. I’m thinking about doing a pay as you can membership and just having all of the members, except for the All Access members who get a monthly one on one hour long video chat with me as part of their membership, with the exception of those, all of the other memberships are going to have all of the same content and it’s just pay what you can. So that way it’s more accessible for more people at different price points and then you can just pay literally what you can. Any amount will help me because any amount is better than nothing because this is literally my whole livelihood. I’m thinking of doing that and once I go through all the content I have backlogged I’ll still continue to make videos but I might not have as much in terms of quantity of content that I share every week, that might shift, BUT I have over 11,000 photos and over 2,000 videos that are already in my archives. Especially if you’re a new member you probably haven’t seen it all, I have a FUCK TON of content. I don’t think that there will be any lowering of quality in terms of memberships, there just won’t be as frequent of new updates, because literally I already have a fuck ton of content already on here and its definitely worth the membership cost to have unlimited access to it every month. So I don’t exactly have all of it figured out and planned out yet, it’s just what I’ve been thinking about doing because accessibility is important to me and because I think people…. hi fly, there’s a fly flying around me right now. I think the people who are able to afford the higher memberships, that’s wonderful and I super appreciate that, and I think that your higher membership cost is what’s going to allow people at lower membership prices still be able to have access to my content. So for anyone who is considering any membership, I appreciate you, and the people who don’t have the ability to pay as much as you, probably appreciate it too that your higher priced membership allows them to have a lower priced membership, so thank you for that.
I think that’s all I have to say right now, my hand is getting tired from holding this, it’s hot out here and I have a lot of other computer work to do, plus this is a really long video already, it’s almost 15 minutes, I usually do 10 or less. I just wanted to say I love you and thank you so much for being here, and I appreciate you and I literally couldn’t do this without you. Literally, you’re the reason I can pay my rent and buy myself food. So… I don’t know what’s in store for the future, but I know that I’m always going to be doing my best and I’m always going to be creating something, whether I’m taking a really long break from creating or not, that doesn’t mean I’m done creating forever, that just means I need a break because I burnt myself our this summer. Okay, I love you, thank you for being here, I’ll talk to you next week.
If you haven’t joined in on the members only video chat with me on Thursdays yet, I’m inviting you to come join us! It’s really fun, there’s usually a handful of us there, we sometimes talk about a certain topic, sometimes we just chit chat about our days, sometimes I do things, sometimes we’re just hanging out, it’s always different. It’s been really fun, it’s every Thursday at 6pm eastern, I would love to have you join me! I always post a post with the link usually within about 15 minutes of the start of the chat so if you’d like to join us please do! I love you so much! Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full film photoset of Amanda Jane during her second pregnancy
click here to view the full Instax photoset of Amanda Jane
click here to view the body awareness meditation at sunset in Goblin ValleyFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset of sunset near Canyonlands
click here to view the self portrait photoset of sunset on the edge near Canyonlands
click here to view the BTS video -
Waterfall self portraits
CAPTION FOR THE ABOVE VIDEO:
Hello! So this week I am sharing (oh, it’s very muddy in my yard) I’m sharing a couple of photosets that are self portraits that I took, probably a couple years ago honestly, it’s been a little bit, from when I was traveling by myself in the mountains of North Carolina. It was probably 2018 or 2019. I got a spiderweb on my phone! Also I just got this fancy stabilizer for my cell phone which is why it looks so good and I’m not bouncing you around everywhere! Yeah so, these photosets, I really like them, it’s just me spending time out near waterfalls in NC which is one of my favorite things to do! I’m rolling up my pants so I don’t get them wet, we’ve had a lot of rain here and the ground is still pretty wet.
For the First Look members I’m sharing the double exposure photoset that I took of Tiffany Helms on Bainbridge Island outside of Seattle Washington from my trip last summer. Let’s see what else? I’ve been doing a little bit more computer work the last couple of days which I’m kindof excited about because I’m getting closer to doing things that I want to do. Today I just posted (today is Thursday, I usually do these on Thursdays) I posted Energy Medicine/Energy Healing 101 to my instagram story and I saved it as a highlight so if you go to my instagram you can still find it even if it’s gone from my story. I think it’s pretty cool, I’m excited about doing these educational video things, well actually that wasn’t a video but, I have a lot of knowledge, I know a bunch of different things, I’ve been learning a lot of various healing things over the years and I’m excited to share them with more people. The healing things I’m probably most excited about, but I love photography and that kind of thing too, and witchy stuff. I’m looking forward to sharing a bunch of my knowledge with people and I feel like sharing that information for free through my instagram and youtube channel is beneficial to everyone so I’m looking forward to doing more of that. I feel like I’m starting to get kindof a plan of the things I want to do. The next thing I’m gonna go over is witchy things and rituals and stuff, after that I’m going over gender, and after that I’m going over ecosexuality more, even though I already have June and July every Monday on my youtube channel I’ll be going over ecosexuality and another topic, looking at the topic through the lens of ecosexuality such as sex, gender, attraction, consent, money, spirituality, so I have a bunch of those coming up in June and July on my youtube channel for my lives on Mondays. I’m really excited about those because I’m so obsessed with ecosexuality and I want to share it with everyone! I think that’s going to be a really good way to spread information about ecosexuality is through youtube.
So I feel like I’m starting to have a little bit more of a plan of things I want to do so that feels good. A lot of what I want to do is share information freely with people without having a paywall between them and the information that I have. But I also at the same time do need to make money so that I can live. Literally the money I make from my website is how I pay my bills. I really enjoy spending time with yall on Thursdays and I think that’s a big benefit to being a patron/member, is you get to support me and we get to hang out every week! Which, I really love that. I’ve been enjoying that. I feel like the last several weeks I’ve just had us hang out and talk and not had a topic or thing to do or activity. I might start having planned activities or specific topics to talk about so it’s not just chit chatting the whole time. I don’t know, I really like hanging out and talking to yall so I might just stick to that, but I don’t know if yall are maybe getting not necessarily bored, but you might want more out of those Thursday hangouts than what we’re doing so far. I know we talked several weeks ago or more like a month or so ago, about different things that I could do for the Thursday chats and I do really like the idea of planning out what I’m going to do but at the same time I don’t want to hold myself to this really rigid schedule either. Especially since it’s with yall and you might not always want to talk about the topic that I have or whatever. I like that they’ve been really organic and whatever comes up we talk about, but I’m also open to having more structure at the same time.
I just noticed that there’s a Magnolia flower starting to bloom on the Magnolia tree and that makes me really excited and happy. It’s really muggy and hot out here, it’s been raining for about a week and a half, just about every day, it’s not raining today which is why I’m outside and I’m very excited about it but I expect that it’s going to be raining some more over the next couple of days because that’s what the forecast has said. Maybe that tropical storm is still at the coast of NC, I don’t know, I know that it’s been there for a while but I don’t know how fast it’s moving.
So, if you have any topics of conversation that you want to discuss on Thursdays let me know. I probably might do a self portrait session during one of them at some point. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for self portraits again yet, just because maybe I’ve stressed myself out about it enough that I haven’t been doing it, and like oohh I need to do it.
Not this weekend but next weekend I’m taking the whole weekend to myself, the 5-7th, the first weekend of June. It’s kinda a big weekend for me emotionally so I’m being extra gentle with myself. Plus I think there’s a full moon eclipse that Friday, I’m pretty sure, I need to look it up again but I think that Friday is a full moon eclipse. So I feel like energetically and emotionally it’s going to be a big deal for me and I’m looking forward to not doing any work and just focusing on self care and doing things that feel good to me. I also have planned to do a bunch of mushrooms! Because I fucking love mushrooms and I learn more about myself every time and I feel like I get a deeper connection with myself and the universe and the Earth and nature and my understanding of the world every time I do them and I just… fucking love mushrooms. I’ve never taken a really big dose, I’ve always just microdosed, which has worked really well for me. I’ve had, every single trip I’ve had has been really good spiritually, emotionally, and physically enlightening and positive for me. My sister however has had more bad trips than good trips but I think she’s had bigger doses than I have and that might have contributed. The worst I’ve ever felt when I’ve taken mushrooms was a little bit of a belly ache because sometimes the psilocybin in the mushrooms doesn’t do super well in your stomach, but for me that hasn’t been anything really negative at all. The benefits very far outweigh the negatives for me. Yeah I love mushrooms! I might make some content when I’m doing that self care weekend, I haven’t decided yet. Just depends on how I feel, I don’t want to pressure myself. I don’t do well with expectations or pressure so I don’t want to do that to myself, it’s not nice. That’s another reason why I super appreciate the people in my life that don’t put expectations or pressure on me because they know how much I despise it and how much it makes me want to do the opposite of whatever it is I’m “supposed to do” so I really appreciate everyone who doesn’t put expectations or assumptions on me because that’s like the worst thing ever for me.
So how do you like this smooth video? I really love this stabilizer so far. It is a little heavy to hold, but I won’t be doing 30 minute videos with it or anything. Plus it came with a mini tripod, it’s really adorable, so I could just put it on a tripod. Since I have this stabilizer I’ll be making more dynamic videos and more videos that aren’t just static and are actually moving around and stuff. Combining videos to make more artistic short videos that have some movement and some static video in it. I’m not really looking forward to the computer work that it will require, but I think once I finish my backlog of videos, I think I only have 4 or 5 left, then I wont be as stressed about making video content because it’ll be like well I just made this one thing and it’s the only thing I have to edit instead of I made this thing that is piling on top of all of the other things that I already still have to edit.
This is a long video already and I want to get started on prepping the post for this weekend and I’ve said basically all the things I want to say. I love you so much, thank you for being here. I appreciate that you support me even when I don’t know what I’m doing. It means a whole lot to me that you’re along for the ride. I love you so much! I’ll talk to you next week!
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset in the NC mountains (Shadowed Falls)
click here to view the full self portrait photoset in the NC mountains (Bright Waterfall)
click here to view the Earth connection meditation video
click here to watch the 13 random videosFirst Look members:
click here to view the double exposure photoset of Tiffany Helms on Bainbridge Island
click here to view the BTS video -
Maya Tihtiyas
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing 2 photosets, one that I took of Maya Tihtiyas (I apologize Maya if I’m saying your last name wrong!), she visited NC and came and hung out with me at my house for a little bit and we photographed each other, so there’s a photoset that I took of her and a photoset she took of me. This was probably OVER a year ago for sure, I could look up the exact date but it isn’t super accessible to me at the moment, so it’s not that big of a deal for me to know exactly when these were taken. I have a habit of hoarding photos for a really long time and not sharing them, so yeah… I don’t really know why I do that. BUT these photos I really like. I think the set I have scheduled to share is the double exposure set I took of her and I really like them they’re really cool.
Today is a weird day for me, I don’t know, I emotionally don’t feel like super here, and my period is LATE and I’m trying to not be too annoyed or like freaked out by it, but I think that’s maybe part of why my emotions are feeling weird right now. Also a friend of mine that’s barely more than an acquaintance, like we’ve hung out twice and we used to go to the same yoga studio before lockdown, reached out to me because she has some similar relationship experience to me in terms of polyamory. She’s going through a rough time right now and wanted support and I am not in a place emotionally or time wise to be able to give her the support that she needs. We’re taught through our culture and through movies/tv shows/songs/peoples expectations that we’re supposed to abandon ourselves in order to help out our friends or the people we love or our partners or whatever, and I did that for years and years, and I’m not doing that anymore. So it was hard to set a boundary but I did it, I said “I appreciate that you trust me to hold space for you, but today I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to do justice to the kind of support that you need. Do you have someone else you can reach out to for support?” I don’t know if I’ve really ever done this before because I’m the kind of person, or I have been in the past, that has always felt like if I’m a good friend then I need to support people or help them out in their time of need. So it’s hard to set boundaries and say “hey, I know myself well enough to know that I’m not capable of doing a good job of supporting my friend right now” so I’m going to be honest with them and say “hey I don’t have it in me to be able to do this today.” And this is something new that I’ve just started being able to do. It’s not easy and it’s like… it goes against what a lot of our culture teaches us is expected from us. It sucks because it makes it really hard. And I’m not the kind of person to beat around the bush. I like to be direct and be like “this is what’s going on and this is what I need and this is the thing” and this conversation was through text so I was worried that she would take it the wrong way or be mad at me for not being able to “be a good friend” but I can’t abandon myself for anyone anymore. I’ve done that a lot throughout a lot of my life and I’m not doing it anymore. And I hope you don’t do it to yourself either, because it sucks. A lot. It hurts.
It’s been raining for 4 days straight and I’m glad that I just took a walk because it wasn’t raining when I was taking a walk and now it’s raining again. I took a walk in the rain yesterday. I just… feel gloomy today and the weather/rain is totally matching my mood. Or I’m matching the weather, what came first, the chicken or the egg? My mood or the weather? I don’t know if I’ve told yall before but I am capable of weather magick so I don’t always know if my mood came first or if the weather came first because I’m very connected to the weather. If you don’t believe me that’s okay. But I can tell you that there have been at least 5 times in the last couple of years that it has been about to start storming, like very obviously storming is about to happen, and I have calmly and gently and politely asked the weather to please wait until I’m inside with all of my things before it starts raining and… guess what happened? I get inside with all of my things, even if I have a delay, and then as soon as I close the door it starts POURING. This has happened at least 5 times in my life. I have a relationship to the Earth and the weather and I know that I am capable of weather magick. Whether or not the atmosphere/nature wants to listen to me is a different story, but it’s like a… what’s the word I’m looking for? Uhm, I have a relationship with the Earth and the weather.
I don’t know, I don’t have much else to say, I don’t want to be gloom and doom and make yall feel sad, because I want to be a source of inspiration and happiness and joy and education and love for everyone that I meet online so I don’t want to talk too much about my sad feelings. I know it’s really needed sometimes but I feel like since the pandemic I’ve had more gloomy/sad things to talk about than happy things to talk about so I don’t want to tip the scale in the sad direction anymore than I already have. So… I love you! I hope you’re doing well! I hope it’s sunshiney and happy wherever you are. I love you forever. I appreciate you being here supporting me, and I’ll talk to you next week.
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of me taken by Maya Tihtiyas
click here to view the full double exposure photoset I took of Maya Tihtiyas
click here to view the video of me getting into my body
click here to view the video of me lounging nude in the sunFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset on a desert rock in Utah from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the self portrait photoset of formations at dusk in Utah from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video -
Nude Beach Gathering – images from Jake & Kayla
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing a photoset with you that was taken by Jacob Webster and edited by his now wife Kayla Webster during the nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer. I think this is the last photoset that I have from that event that I’m sharing with you so, yeah I think this is the end of that. I really love the photos that they took, these include the photos that were taken by the drone. Jake had the drone and used it at the end of the shoot for the big cuddle pile that was really wonderful and super fun. These are some of my favorites from that day, I love all of them but these are probably some of my favorites. A giant cuddle pile and you could see all of us from above? Yeah definitely.
I… I keep going back and forth in terms of how I feel about the things that I’m doing and I’m kinda concerned about how I probably only have a month or two left of content backlog to share with you and after that I don’t really know because I haven’t really been making anything other than videos. In the future, after the next couple months once I get through the backlog, I might not be sharing as much as frequently in terms of photosets, because I just have not been inspired to take photos since like, last fall basically. I kinda totally burnt myself out doing a LOT last summer. Then with my realization that I’m trans, and the realization that like… I don’t know. This isn’t the only thing I want to do with my life and I still am kinda struggling to figure out what the rest of that is. I don’t know… I feel like I need to have an answer about who I am and what I’m about and the message that I want to spread but the overall thing that I have is like “lets love each other and make everyone equal.” The light here is really bright, let’s see if I can get… that’s better. I think it’s important to point out the injustices that exist in our society because we can’t make any positive change unless we acknowledge that there’s a problem. I feel…. I feel like I should have it figured out and I totally don’t and I’m trying to be gentle with myself in the process. It’s kinda scary because my website is basically my only source of income and if I don’t continue what I’ve always been doing is anyone going to be interested in what I’m doing? If I change too much is everybody gonna bail and I’m going to be without an income? I don’t know. I really want to be true to myself and I really don’t want to force myself to do things that don’t feel right, which is taking photos right now. I do at some point in the future want to start taking self portraits again, but that’s not anything that I’m going to but a day or time commitment on because that’s a surefire way to get me to not want to do it is if I feel like I have to. I’m such a Sagittarius! I don’t want to be nailed down to anything, I don’t want to commit! So.. I don’t know, everything is weird. Maybe part of it is that I’m still not bleeding and I’m supposed to start my period sometime and I always get weird emotionally before my period so maybe that’s part of it.
But something I’m looking forward to, is tomorrow, so today is Thursday, I always do these early, so by the time you watch this it’ll be yesterday, but TOMORROW is Friday and I am doing a livestream on IG with Lior and we’re going to be giving a little preview of the vulnerability talk that we’re doing jointly with Roarie on Monday as a full discussion, and that’s something I’m excited about. It’s been really wonderful to connect with the two of them and spend time brainstorming and creating this discussion that we have planned out for yall. We’ve really loved getting feedback from other people. All 3 of us asked questions about vulnerability on our IG stories and the feedback we’ve gotten from people has been really amazing. And also the place that we have everyone signing up for the vulnerability discussion, which is FREE you should totally sign up! If you’re available, join us on Monday for free! 7pm eastern, the 3 of us are doing a whole discussion on this. And I’ve already lost my train of thought, but… yeah if you want to join us we would totally love to have you. OH! The place you sign up for it is a google form and it has questions about vulnerability, they’re not required for you to sign up, the only thing that’s absolutely required in order to sign up is your email address, but so far the responses that we’ve gotten from people in that too have been really amazing. I love the different perspectives that people are bringing to the table and some of the things that people are saying about vulnerability and how it shows up in their lives are things I haven’t thought about at all yet and it’s really wonderful that there’s so much to say about it. So if you’re interested, its free! I think when I made this video last week we were still in the planning stages and were thinking about having it be a paid event, but we’re like “you know what? lets just provide this for free for people” because it’s stuff that we want more people to have access to and we don’t want the barrier of money to be there. I’m excited, I think it’s going to be really wonderful. I’ve already really enjoyed spending time with Lior and Roarie talking about this so I know that the discussion on Monday will go even more in depth and we will be able to have conversations with the people that come to the talk. I think it’ll be eye opening and connective and just really wonderful, so I’m looking forward to that.
Hello little bird! It’s a little Carolina Wren right over there. I don’t know if you can see it. It’s over there. That kinda bird, we have a covered area over by the house and it has little troughs inside of it that have lights in them and these little, it’s usually 2 little Carolina Wrens will nestle up in the corners and sleep at night. They don’t have a nest or anything they just come and sit in the corner and sleep and it’s so cute! I haven’t seen them in a few days but they come and go randomly, it’s really adorable.
Okay, now that my neighbor is mowing their grass. I don’t have much else to share with you at the moment, but I just wanted to say thank you and I love you and I appreciate you going on this weird journey with me! I don’t know where I’m going so how could I expect yall to know where I’m going?! I appreciate that yall support me and that you’re along for the ride, because I don’t even know where this is going. I know that it’s going somewhere cool, and somewhere that fits me, even though I don’t know what that is, but I appreciate that you’re here and doing this with me. I love you!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset taken by Jacob Webster and edited by Kayla Webster during the nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the nude yoga videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset during desert dusk in Utah
click here to view the BTS video -
Quinn Sanguine & Megan Ayn
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! So this week I am sharing a photoset that I took of my friends Quinn and Megan when I was in Tacoma Washington. It’s funny because I’ve been friends with Quinn for a long time and I’ve met them a few times prior to my trip out there. Quinn used to live in the Boston area and did a couple of trips along the east coast and I was able to hang out with them during that time. Then they moved across the country, they did a cross country tour at the same time they were moving across the country. They moved to Tacoma a year or two ago, no longer than that, a couple years ago now. Wow, time is wild yall! Quinn moved to Tacoma and offered to host me while I was in the area so I stayed with them for I think it was close to a week, it was like at least 4 or 5 days. I had been talking to Megan about shooting with her because we’ve followed each other on IG for a while. Come to find out, Quinn and Megan lived like 5-10 minutes away from each other and they hadn’t met yet. It was awesome, Quinn and I went to Megan’s house and hung out and took photos of each other, it was a great time. That day when we were shooting I was feeling kinda weird, I think I wasn’t quite as inspired because we were indoors instead of outside, and I didn’t think I had the film that I needed in order to get the proper exposure inside the house. I had a lot of fast film/lower ISO film, and it wasn’t going to be enough light for me to take photos, but then I found ONE roll of film that was 1600 ISO that I had, and that was just enough to take photos. I was really excited that I was actually able to take photos, because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to because I didn’t have the right film for the space that we were in. I found that one roll and that was was very helpful and I’m thankful that I was able to photograph them when I was there. I already shared the photos that Megan took of me and Quinn, and these are the photos that I took of Quinn and Megan.
What’s going on with me this week… today’s Thursday, I usually do my prep for the weekend on Thursdays, and today is the full moon. I’m not feeling as energetically and emotionally effected by this moon as I usually do, and it’s kinda odd to me because I remember having a Scorpio moon, I think it was last year, and that was really intense for me, and this Scorpio moon isn’t really? Which I find pretty interesting. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little bit less stuck, I know I’ve been talking about feeling stuck the last couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little less stuck in terms of creative and goals and life stuff. I’ve started to plan some online opportunities with a couple of other artists and I’m really excited to share that with you coming up soon.
Actually I’ll go ahead and tell you, Lior Allay and Roarie Yum and I are doing live videos on IG next week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, talking about vulnerability. On Monday the 18th we’ll be hosting an online event/discussion between us and the people who are a part of the event. We’re going to do a live video chat type of thing. We haven’t quite, as of today, come up with a specific name/wording about what we’re going to do but I know that we’re going to go more in depth about vulnerability in art and speak to what that means for us, if nudity is a part of that for us and why, and how to create spaces where we allow other people to be vulnerable. I’m very excited about that, so keep an eye out on mine, Lior’s, and Roarie’s IGs for more info about that coming up soon. I’ll send info to my mailing list when we have more promotional materials ready. I’m pretty excited about it, I’ve been feeling like not really ready or willing to do a lot of creative stuff recently, and I’ve tried really hard to not beat myself up about it because it’s expected of me from myself and my community. I feel thankful that I have the opportunities that I do in order to not have to constantly create in order to make a living. I have a backlog of all of the things I’ve created last summer to get me through this slump time, but now that I’m in collaboration with Roarie and Lior, I’m starting to get more excited about art again. Even if I’m not actively creating right now, which I still haven’t been creating, just having the conversations around art has been really wonderful for me and healing in a way, just thinking about it more and being in a mindset where I’m more receptive to creativity and art has felt really nice. I’m excited to go through these discussions with them over the next couple of weeks and share our knowledge with yall. I’ll link to my instagram, Lior’s instagram, and Roarie’s instagram in the caption of this video to make it easy for you to click and see what kind of things we’re doing online. (Click here for my IG, click here for Roarie’s IG, click here for Lior’s IG)
Do you hear that hawk?! *looking around above me* I think it’s pretty wonderful and magickal that when I’m out here making videos for yall there’s some kind of bird that is talking to me. Last week it was hummingbirds and this week it’s a hawk. Hawks are really magickal and powerful and I connect with them a lot already just because I know that there are some that have nests somewhere around my neighborhood, somewhere near my house. They’re here a lot, I see them a lot and hear them a lot. I think that’s pretty magickal. I’m trying to not be too distracted.
So… that’s pretty much the only thing that’s new with me, the vulnerability in art talks that I’ll be doing with Lior and Roarie. Keep an eye out if you want to participate, we’re going to do a really affordable online discussion through video chat. I also just heard an owl! But it’s like… noon! Anyway! The discussion we’ll be hosting, the instagram lives will be free. There’s that owl again! So those will be Monday Wednesday Friday next week for free, and then the online video discussion group video thing we’re doing will be on Monday the 18th and that will be donation based with a $5 minimum. Donate whatever you’re able based on the value you get out of our talk. We’re going to be splitting the funds from that between the 3 of us. I’m really excited, I think it’ll be a really great discussion. I think vulnerability is something that most people skirt around or avoid when they’re creating art. They focus on making things that are beautiful or aesthetically pleasing, but not necessarily have any emotion or vulnerability behind them. I think it’s going to be a really wonderful discussion to bring vulnerability to light and emphasize the importance of it in art. I mean, I personally get the most out of art when there’s some kind of message behind it, or I can tell that someone has a lot of emotion and is sharing that with us through their art, that’s really vulnerable to me, being your true self and not thinking or worrying about what other people think about you or what their expectations are. I invite you to join us for that. I’ll share links whenever I have them, we’re still gathering info and working together to figure out how to make it the best event possible. I’m really excited, I love working with them, they’re amazing humans. I look up to them both, and I’ve been lucky enough to create with both of them more than once and I love it!
Thank you so much for following my journey of… whatever this is. I just want to be the person that past me needed, and hopefully that person is someone that you need too, or someone that you at least get some kind of value out of. I don’t want to just have empty, pretty things. I want to share with yall deeply and in meaningful ways, and I want to help educate people and I want to help heal people and I can’t do that without being vulnerable myself. I appreciate yall being a part of this with me. I love you so much, thank you for loving me!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Quinn Sanguine and Megan Ayn in Tacoma Washington
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the photoset of me in a Nashville TN park taken by Bashing Bagpipes -
Singingsiren44 in the Rocky Mountains
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi hello! Earth Day was yesterday, and I spent a lot of my day outside and also looking at and watching videos and photos that I took on my big road trip last summer, so it was nice to connect with different parts of the earth in that way.
This week I’m sharing a photoset that I took of my friend Singingsiren44 (you can find them on instagram). ((In the video I said their pronouns are both her and them, I should have double checked first because they now only use they/them pronouns!))
We had only been following each other online and had never met in person, and when I was announcing where I was going on my trip they offered for me to stay with them so that was super wonderful and generous, and I really enjoyed spending time with them and I spent a few days there. One of the days we drove out to the Rocky Mountains and just found a place to park off the side of the road and ran into the woods and climbed down this hill and found a river and hung out next to it for a while and took photos all around in the woods and the rocks and the river. It was a really great day, and I took a bunch of photos of them doing self care out there. It was a really good time, I really enjoyed it, I made a new friend. We had never met and I thought it was pretty magickal that we got along so well and it was very generous for them to let me stay there, so I really appreciated that.
This week I have felt very slow and quiet and not very motivated to do very much. I think part of that is this new life that we’re living under quarantine, and part of it is probably also because I’m realizing that I need to give myself the space to do nothing. I have felt for a really long time that I have to constantly be doing things in order to be “productive” and “valuable” as a person. And that’s not true, I’m valuable as a person because I exist. So I’m trying to release as much of the internalized capitalism that’s within me as much as I can, and recognize that my value is not based on my productivity and that I don’t have to always be doing things, or know what the next thing is. At this point I’m kinda so in between where I was and where I want to be, and I don’t even know where I want to be yet, so I’m in this liminal space of knowing that I don’t want to stay where I was and moving toward something different, but I don’t know what my goals are, I don’t know where I’m heading toward or what the next step is. So, really the only thing for me to do is sit in it and feel it, and let whatever is supposed to come up, come up. Let my dreams make themselves known to me. That’s kinda hard because I’m a fire sign, I’m as Sagittarius (with a Virgo rising) so I feel like I need to do stuff, and be productive, and go on with my life and have a plan and work towards that goal and plan.
I’m in a place where I don’t have very many goals other than keeping up with my weekly computer stuff for yall and my twice a week live videos. I’m glad that I have those recurring obligations that I’ve created for myself to create something, and I’m just letting that be what I do right now. Since I’m not really sure what direction I want to go in, I feel like moving in any direction right now is kinda fruitless because it’s not with my whole heart, it’s just like I’m doing a thing because I feel like I have to do it. That’s not a heart centered, inspired thing to do. So life is complicated. I feel like I need to figure things out and I know that I can’t necessarily figure them all out at once.
I’m occupying my time with the Explore More Summit that’s going on right now. I’m watching at least one of those videos… almost every day. It’s a 10 day summit with therapists and educators, and so many people that I really value their thoughts and opinions on things. It’s been really nice to see what comes up in me when I watch these videos from other people. Maybe that will spark some inspiration for me. I’m trying to not be too frustrated with myself, allowing myself to get out of bed at noon, read a book, have breakfast, spend some time outside, not be “productive”. It’s hard, but I’m working on it, and I’m still getting my weekly necessary things done, so that’s nice. Balance is kinda hard for me to find, because I feel like, up until this point, and maybe even still, I haven’t really had that much balance, I’ve overworked myself for years and years, and maybe my frustration with slowing down and not being productive is a remnant of my internalized capitalistic bullshit that’s not really mine.
I appreciate yall being here, and spending this time with me every week, and caring about what I have to say, and supporting me through all the changes. I’m really excited for May 1st when I discontinue the photo membership and everybody that’s currently in photo memberships are going to be upgraded for video. Pretty excited about that, I’m excited to make memberships less complicated for everyone involved. Also, photo people are getting an upgrade so that’s cool. Upgrade for free, or the price you already pay for photo. That’s a super great deal and I’m really happy to be able to do that for yall. Especially since yall have been instrumental in me being able to live my life and still have a job during all of this. So I appreciate you so much. I look forward to spending time with you twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I don’t have a whole lot to say today, so I just wanted to say I love you!
Photo members: click here to view the full photoset of Singingsiren44 in the Rocky Mountains during my cross country road trip
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the photoset of Tiffany Helms in abandoned ruins on Bainbridge Island & click here to view the BTS videos -
Sura & Shawnna Lee
Photo members now have access to:
- vlog with the story behind this photoset I took of Sura & Shawnna Lee at a nude beach outside of Portland Oregon + updates on my current life stuff =]
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34 image complete photoset
Video members now have access to:
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everything above
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10 minutes of BTS video
- 12+ minute nude yoga video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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36 image complete self portrait photoset at the edge of the world in Colorado National Monument
- 4 short inspirational videos