trans – Bunny Luna

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CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:

Hi friends! So, recently, I think it was the 10th or 11th it was National Coming Out day, so I thought I would share my queer story with you! So if you’re new here and don’t know much about me, I am queer, I’m trans, I’m agender, I’m ecosexual, I’m, I guess I would also say bisexual… labels don’t quite fit me properly, so I’ve found that queer and ecosexual fit me the best. So usually it’s just easier for me to be like, I’m queer. I’m trans. I’m non-binary. I’m queer. Yeah, so like, I like labels to help people understand me better, but also I find labels to be limiting sometimes because as soon as you put a label on something, then there’s usually a lot of assumptions that come along with that. So yeah, that’s like a short synopsis of my thoughts on labels, but for coming out day, which was recently… this month. Yeah. I want to share my like queer story with you!

If I knew more about queerness, and if I had more queer friends that were out when I was younger, even though I did have some out queer friends when I was in high school. If I had more education before the time that I did, I probably would have come out sooner or like actually realize things about myself sooner, because the hardest part of coming out is coming out to yourself and like realizing that you’re queer in the first place, so I didn’t really realize or come out until I was 29 years old, which was two years ago in 2019.

I could have maybe connected the dots way years before, but I think my being married to a man a cis man for over five years and a relationship with him for over 10 years kind of, I don’t want to say prevented me from realizing my queerness, but I think it I think it encouraged my…. How do I put this? I think it encouraged my not knowing for a while, like it was easy to just be like yeah, I’m straight and I’m a woman because I married the man and I’m happy in this relationship. If you’re new here, also, I’m divorced. Officially divorced in 2020. We’re still friends. But it took really, it took me being on my cross country road trip by myself in 2019 to really have the time and space to be with myself and really start to understand myself on a deeper level before I realized that I was queer. Looking back… looking back there were a lot of signs that I was queer way before then.

I just didn’t put it together and I was like, I’m a tomboy. So before I realized I was queer, I always wanted a penis. Ideally a retractable one so it was there when I wanted, but I would like disappear when I didn’t want it. Still dreaming! Still hoping maybe one day I’ll have it. Yeah, even as a kid, I would like pretend I had a penis. And like put spoons in my pants to like make them poke out so it seemed like I had a penis. My sister reminded me of this because I totally had forgotten. I always really loved shopping in the boys section of stores. I definitely had, queer friends. I was a very opinionated and loud ally to queer people for like forever. I had a Love Is Love shirt in like high school that I made myself. So, I mean there were signs and of course like everyone’s… everyone’s life is different. So maybe you have done the same things and you’re like straight and cis, and that’s totally cool too, like everyone is different. Only you can know if you’re queer or not, but for me, those were signs.

So, okay, in March of 2019, we had, me and my now ex-husband had the, let’s get a divorce conversation and he moved out of state in May, mid-May of 2019, and at the end of May of 2019 I started my two month solo cross country road trip and then mid-August after I came home it was like maybe a week after I got home. No mosquito not here for you. I at that point, my hair was to my elbows and I was fucking sick of it. For my whole life I had long or long ish hair, and I kind of overly identified with it. But by the time, like I was living in a van and being in the desert mostly for two months.

Squirrel! Did you see? I just got fucking sick of my hair. So I came home and I asked my mom to shave my head. And she didn’t really want to because she was scared that I wouldn’t like it, but she did it anyway because I wanted it and I asked her to and she was like, okay, who am I to say that you can’t have a shaved head? And so she shaved it for me. There’s a video of that whole… the whole thing. The whole experience of me getting my head shaved for the first time ever. I have that video, I’ll have to find it and link it for y’all, but there’s a whole video, it’s like 20 minutes long. I have a short version too that’s like two minutes, but it’s really special. That was like, I’m very big moment in my queer awakening. So my mom shaved my head here in the backyard. We were naked and it was wonderful. And at the end, I was like, oh shit. I look like a little boy. And I was super happy.

(CLICK HERE FOR THE 20 MINUTE HAIRCUT VIDEO)

(CLICK HERE FOR THE 2 MINUTE SHORT VERSION OF THE HAIRCUT VIDEO)

And then within like, a couple of days of that, I was walking at the park with my sister and I like confessed to her my gender feelings and she totally affirmed that for me and reminded me of some of the signs of my queerness when I was a kid that I didn’t even remember, and she’s like, yeah that I mean, it totally makes sense that you’re not binary because like you kind of have always been like that and she’s like, of course. So that was really amazing and I’m so thankful for her for being immediately supportive of me. So that evening, I texted a bunch of my family, like, hey, I realized I’m non binary. Can you please use they/them pronouns for me? And after that, I came out on social media and Yeah, been like that ever since. Yeah, so that’s the shortish version of my Queer Journey.

Yeah. I’m just happy thinking about it because I feel so much more myself and I have the vocabulary and the knowledge to be able to be like, okay, I know myself better than I ever did at this point and that feels really good. My parents are really wonderful. My mom, like she came up with this word that I love because she was like, if I can’t call you my daughter anymore, how do I… How do I introduce you to friends and stuff? Like, I don’t want to say my child because you’re an adult. She like what? How do I describe you? I was like, I donno, you’re heir? Child of your womb? Your adult child? I don’t know. And she came up with the word sproutling, which I love and my sister also likes it too. So we’re just, we’re their Sproutlings. So, that makes me super happy. Like even if there isn’t a word for what you’re trying to say, you can make one up!

So if you’re in the closet or if you’re out of the closet, or if you’re questioning your gender or your sexuality or your identity in any way, I’m proud of you and I hope that you do it in your own time. There’s no rush and you can always change. People change their labels all the time. Like we’re not static, like human beings are always changing and we’re always growing and learning and to expect someone to always be the same is to not fully know them. And it’s to not like hold them in their complexity and their wholeness. So yeah, you are worthy, whether you have a label for yourself or not. You are amazing and wonderful and you are loved. Okay. Thank you for being here. I just want to share that story with you. I know some of you who’ve been here for a while, probably have already heard it, but I figured I’d share because National Coming Out day was recently and it was fitting. I love you!

Photos my sister Gemini took during the life changing haircut:

CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:

Hello! So… gosh weeks go by so fast now. This week I’m sharing I think it’s 3 photosets actually, that I have modeled for, for my friend Nuance Artistry. One of the sets is in a studio, one of the sets is in an abandoned mill, and the other set is with another model. I always say her name wrong. I can spell it really well, but I don’t know if I’m going to say it right so I’m sorry. Evyenia Karapolous, she goes by a different name in real life, that’s her modeling name so I just call her the name that she goes by in real life but that’s not her modeling name. I think these are really great, these are older sets taken probably… 2 more more years ago now. Which feels weird, because time is really really weird.

I think the stuff that’s going into first look is the last time I saw Roarie Yum in person. They modeled for a photographer friend of mine PhotoWyse and I took some behind the scenes stuff and that’s what I’m sharing in First Look is the behind the scenes stuff that I took of Roarie during their shoot with Terry. I’m also sharing to video people the nude yoga video for this month! So yay.

I dont have a lot to say today, I feel like…. so I think I might switch up my schedule again in terms of what I’m doing during the week. I don’t know. Because after July I don’t have very much planned. On Mondays on youtube I’m doing that ecosexual series, and that’ll be finished in 2 weeks I think. I don’t really have anything planned for after that so I might take a break on that. I’ve really been enjoying the Thursday group hangout member gathering things, the video hangouts, but I also feel like maybe I should have more structure around it or change it up for something else. I haven’t decided. I feel like I’m perpetually switching up what I want to do. So I appreciate that yall want to hang around! I for sure am going to do the members hangout this week, which by the time you get this will have already happened because it’s tonight, Thursday night, not Saturday when this is going to be uploaded. Part of me wants to pause those for a little bit and recalibrate. I started doing them kindof at the beginning of quarantine as a way to stay connected, and they’ve been really fun, but at the same time… it’s just hanging out. And I feel like I want more than that, but I also don’t know exactly what I want that to be. But I also know that I want to have time for expanding things in the future like maybe teaching courses, queer hangouts, trans support group… I don’t know! I might switch stuff up, I might slow down or have more structure to or cancel or change the schedule for the group chats. I just know that something isn’t quite how I want it to be yet and I just don’t know where I want to go yet. I change so much! I’m glad that I’m not stagnant and stuck in the same thing over and over again, but I am noticing the need for change, I’m just not quite in the place where I know what that is yet.

I probably will no longer model for photographers, at least for a while, unless they’re like queer and/or trans people. I haven’t really wanted to model in a while and it just feels like another way for people to consume me in a way that is not really me. Because my naked body most people think (some flying thing just came into my space)… my naked body gets attention from people that I don’t necessarily want attention from, and I definitely don’t want sexual attention from like anybody. I feel like if I’m less naked (AHH what’s with the bugs today! there was a bug that was crawling on my foot!) I feel like if I’m less naked on the internet I’ll get less attention in the ways that I don’t want. I also feel like me being naked on the internet is a good chunk of the reason why people give me money and how I can pay my rent so that’s complicated. I definitely want to switch to a more queer trans ecosexual healing kindof platform, but I don’t know how to do that in a way that I’m still sustaining my self financially. I just know that I have way too many cis straight men who follow me and want to work with me, and that’s not really the like… I mean I love all of you people who are here of course… but in terms of new people finding me I’d much rather them be queer or trans or women or you know… not cis straight men. Sorry. Queer people are my people! Trans people are my people! Ecosexual people are my people! Cis straight men are not really my people. I have some wonderful cis straight men in my life that I super appreciate and love a whole lot, but in terms of the audience that I want to gather around myself and the community I want to create around myself and my business is not going to be catered to cis straight men and they are not the people I want to gather around me in large quantities. Because most of them probably see me as a woman and probably see me as somebody they want to have sex with and I do not want either of those things from them. Maybe that’s me not having enough faith in cis straight men to understand my queerness and to not objectify me and sexualize me, but based on my 30 years of life experience, I don’t have a lot of faith in cis straight men doing those things, unfortunately.

I just don’t know what to do to change things to be more of what I want them to be. I guess I just need to show up in the way that is authentic to myself and that will draw the right people around me because if I’m myself then more people like me will find me. I just feel like, I don’t want my work to be centered around…. okay so I love nudity and I DO want my work to be centered around nudity, but I want it to be centered around nudity in a non-sexual way that is healing and affirming and inclusive and NOT in a sexual or exploitative or objectifying in any way. I don’t know, I just know things need to change and I’m not exactly sure what that is yet or what that means. I just appreciate yall being here along for the ride. I’m always changing so my website is always changing and the things I’m doing are always changing. So I appreciate you being here in whatever capacity you’re here, if you’re a cis straight man I hope I didn’t make you too upset. Maybe go through my youtube and look at all my ecosexual stuff and in my resources here on my website I have a video on gender and sexuality that’s over an hour long. So if some of the queerness things are intriguing to you, I have resources already that I would love for you to check out, that’s more of my face talking to you!

I think it’s kinda interesting that… I was looking at some of the videos that I made last summer during my cross country road trip and I was thinking about how different I am from the person that I was last year and it’s made me a little bit sad because I was so much happier last summer when I was in all the nature. Here now is like, quarantine and stress and isolation and stuckness and a lot of numbness so I don’t quite know how to reconcile that and I realize that the whole entire planet is going through a lot right now with all of the oppression and fear and all the bullshit. It makes sense that I’m not the same happy person that I was last year. I also miss that person! I miss being completely overjoyed by rounding a corner and finding some vast amazing landscape, I miss being able to get in my van and just GO and stop anywhere and hang out and not worry about germs and play naked in a pile with other naked people and hang out and cuddle. I just… you probably feel it too. Everything’s harder this year. Thanks 2020!

I just want to find a way that I can share and affirm and honor queerness and transness and uplift that, and heal through that. I’m not quite sure what that means yet, but I’m working in that direction. Thank you for exploring existence with me. I love you, thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much. Bye!

Video members:
click here to view the full studio photoset with Nuance Artistry
click here for the abandoned mill photoset
click here for the photoset with Evyenia Karapolous
click here to view the BTS videos
click here to view the nude yoga video for July

First Look members:
click here to view the BTS photos & videos from Roarie Yum‘s shoot with PhotoWyse

Click here for the gallery passwords

My Queer/Coming Out Story!

Art Nuance & Evyenia Karapolous