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Desert Rock Self Portraits
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! *sigh* So if you’re into astrology you probably know that Mars Retrograde started on the 9th. It’s gonna be for 2 whole months and I’ve already been feeling it a lot. A lot of extra anxiety and my body has felt weird and weak and restless and harder to be grounded for me personally. I’ve been losing myself dissociating on social media and not being present, which I have recognized and it’s kindof an ongoing recurring thing for me. It’s not just during certain astrological transits. If I have any uncomfortable feelings at all it’s like “okay let’s distract myself from this and pretend it’s not real and ignore all my feelings” and I realize that this is not a good coping strategy. I mean it’s okay in the moment for me sometimes but usually it ends with me feeling even worse. So, I guess I’m starting this video by letting you know that I’m feeling a lot of weird complicated uncomfortable things recently, so you probably have too. I just wanted to let you know that all of our feelings are valid. This is also a reminder for me, because honestly I think that a lot of the things that I create, I really create them for myself. I have an understanding that as living beings we’re all connected, so anything I create for myself is really also for everyone else, and anything that I create for someone else is really also for me. Maybe that’s why I haven’t wanted to create hardly at all this year, I’ve felt really… disconnected from all of it. And myself. With the pandemic and being at home so much more and having so few social engagements, well basically none, except for online things. It’s really brought up a lot of past trauma things for me which hasn’t been easy. Hence, dissociating and avoiding my feelings. I just wanted to be open here with yall and let you know… not always gonna be happy, not always gonna be uplifting and creative and inspirational, you know sometimes I just need to sit in my shit, even though that’s hard to do.
*sigh* Okay, I didn’t just come here to tell you about things that are uncomfortable. I also am here to tell you about thephotosets that I’m sharing this weekend. I have a photoset, another one that I took outside of Moab in Utah that I’m sharing with everybody, including the BTS stuff, BTS video. That’ll be for everyone. I also have the first photoset that I’ll be sharing from Goblin Valley, which is also in Utah, it’s just another part of Utah, a couple hours from Moab. The first photoset that I’m sharing from Goblin Valley will be available this weekend for First Look members, and the BTS video of that too.
Yeah, so it’s kinda weird when I look back on all these self portraits from last summer. I remember experiencing them, and doing all of that, and it also feels like someone else. Because I did all of that before I really knew, uh… more of my gender identity. So it’s like, looking at a ghost almost. And I’m feeling emotional and probably gonna cry and that’s okay. I think part of why I haven’t wanted to create this year is because I have a better understanding of who I am and I have a fear of people misunderstanding my nudity as consent to be sexualized, because that’s the most uncomfortable thing for me and brings up trauma responses. And while I feel comfortable in my skin, obviously, when other people sexualize me and bring it to my attention, that’s when I have a really big problem. And for some reason when people see somebody nude on the internet it makes them think that they can send them a dick pic or expect sex from them or expect attention of any kind. No that is not the reason I exist on the internet. I’m basically here for the opposite of that, I’m here to affirm that nudity is not sexual. It could be, but that should not be the assumption. My trans identity is valid and sacred. I’m just tired of being perceived, as something that I’m not. I’m kinda just tired of being perceived in general, like please don’t perceive me. Most people’s assumptions of who I am are… wrong. And I mean it’s not my job to correct everyone and make sure that everyone knows who I am, because I value privacy and having things that are just for me. At the same time I want to be that voice and that image out in the world that affirms people like me. Cisheteromonogamy culture is so huge and their voices are so loud, that I almost feel like it’s my responsibility as someone that’s outside of that, to say that that’s not the only option, and that’s not the only valid and reasonable way to live. Also I feel like I put too much responsibility on myself, I’m just one person and I can’t open up the perspectives of everyone in the world by simply existing and sharing myself on the internet, but….. *sigh*
I want yall to know that I value and appreciate all of you so much. The fact that I continuously every week come back to make videos and share content with you is… simply because I appreciate you and I couldn’t do any of this without you. So I greatly appreciate your contribution to me being able to know more about myself, and to support myself, and to hopefully make a positive difference in the world, even if it’s not huge, as long as it’s something. Yeah things are just hard right now. I hope that you’re not taking this Mars retrograde as difficult as I’m taking it. I know that I’m just doing my best so you probably are too.
I love you and I’m thankful for you and I still feel like there’s major changes coming in terms of my website and what I offer here, but I’m still not sure what that is, but I’ll keep reminding you because change is inevitable. I’ve already changed and shifted things about my website a bunch of times already, I just don’t want to surprise you too much when things change again. But we have time because I don’t know what that is yet! Okay this video is getting long, and I don’t really have anything else to say, but I love you, thank you. <3
Video members:
click here to view the full self portrait photoset of me in the rocky desert in Utah during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset of me in Goblin Valley (Between)
click here to view the BTS video -
FREE ARCHIVED BLOG & PHOTOSET
I originally wrote this for Patreon on May 20th 2017. I no longer use Patreon and have replaced it with my website (here) but thought I would share some of my old blogs with you for FREE to show my appreciation for you visiting my website! <3
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Celebrating 1 year since I got wrist drop! Well, technically the official 1 year is May 22nd but… close enough. =] If you’ve been a member for a while you probably remember this time last year when I got wrist drop from too much time and pressure on my radial nerve during a shibari suspension. I didn’t have the use of my (dominant) right hand for about 3 months and wasn’t able to go to aerial silks class for 7-8 months. Watch the video in the archives to see how bad it was… it was pretty bad. I couldn’t lift my hand from my wrist or do a “thumbs up,” it was just constantly limp.
Honestly, I’m really thankful that it happened. It taught me a lot about myself & made me appreciate what I have. I learned that I really need physical activity in my life & that I can really lean on Antisocialdisposition. I already knew that he will do just about anything for me but for the first week or two he helped me do things that you really take for granted when you have two hands to do it with and suddenly you only have 1: wash my hair, get dressed, open jars, carry lots of things, etc. I became more ambidextrous because of this and I even became more confident in myself over time because I learned that I could still do pretty much everything for myself with just my left hand. I did definitely have several days after it happened that I freaked out about it because I wasn’t seeing ANY improvement and I was so scared that it would never get better. It did, very slowly, but it did start to get better. As soon as possible I started doing yoga at home (only simple stuff I knew wouldn’t aggravate the injury). I honestly think it would have taken much longer to heal if I wasn’t staying active, exercising it as much as possible, saying positive affirmations, and visualizing it getting and being better. I am SO SO thankful that it got better. I am also thankful that it happened. It was a challenge and a lesson. It happened for a reason: for me to learn to appreciate what I have and to learn how important being active is to me because I really didn’t know that before. It strengthened me and it strengthened my relationship with AD.
What is something “bad” that’s happened to you that you now realize was actually beneficial in the long run?
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To celebrate being able to do silks again, check out the 2 new silks videos I added! In one of them I somersault in the air to a single ankle hang, I mean how badass does that description sound?! It’s really fun. The other video is a crazy difficult core strengthening exercise: spinal roll down from straddle. You’re supposed to take as long as possible on the way down which is what makes it difficult and REALLY works your core.
All members have access to this complete 59 image self portrait photoset by clicking here and the aerial silks videos by clicking here.
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Columbia River Gorge with ExhibitphotoPDX
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! Sorry my neighbors are mowing my lawn so it’s loud but I really wanted to do this, so hopefully it’s not too loud! This week I’m sharing a photoset that was taken last summer of me by ExhibitphotoPDX who I spent most of a day with in the Columbia River Gorge and it was amazing, we drove around, stopped at a bunch of places and took a whole bunch of pictures and it was so much fun. He brought us lunch and snacks and drinks and he had a cooler and we just hung out. We found this really cool waterfall that was right off the road. We found this structure that went over some water kinda… it was sorta like a pier but it was a funky shape. You’ll see it in the photos… that was really cool. It was very much within viewing distance of a major road, the main road that goes through the gorge… so some people probably saw me naked while they were driving. We just shot there really quick and then left so that if people were having problems with it, it didn’t really matter because we were gone by the time anything would have happened anyway. It was a really fun shoot, I really enjoyed it, and just exploring the Columbia River Gorge is amazing. I spent MOST of my time when I was in Portland in the Columbia River Gorge because it’s fucking gorgeous and amazing and all the nature and that’s exactly where I wanna be, of course.
The First Look people are getting a big photoset that was taken by KH, this was also in Portland. I met up with her and Eva Luna, who is earthyeva on IG, I think she’s still on IG, I know she’s kinda not a big fan of it for a little bit so I don’t know if she’s taking a hiatus from it or not. Eva and I posed for Kisa, and then Kisa & Eva posed for me. The photoset that I’m sharing with First Look now are just the photos that Kisa took, and my BTS photos. I have I think it’s 2 photosets to share with you that are the photos I took of them, in the future, that’s not coming yet but it’s coming soon.
Yeah that’s most of what I have to say today. I’m feeling emotionally weird today, and I know there are some astrological things going on today that are difficult so that makes sense. I’ve noticed… there’s been 2 people that I follow over the last 2 days that have said they’re going to be going offline, and they have HUGE followings… and I’m kinda inspired by them. Even with my measly 4000 followers, which is really not that measly, 4000 people is still a lot of people, but compared to the 22,600 followers I used to have before my original account was deleted in October 2018, I feel like 4000 isn’t that big. But compared to most other numbers and new people on IG it’s a decent sized account, even though it’s way smaller than what my old account used to be. I feel like people who decide to go off social media when they have huge followings, like one of these people have I think it’s 40,000 followers, and the other has 95,000 followers and they’re both like, I’m just gonna do something else. I feel like that’s very brave and that’s inspiring. I’m also wondering, what are they going to do to make money? I feel like so much of my job is on social media, and trying to make money that way. Honestly that’s probably why I don’t like social media that much, because it feels like a JOB. Because I feel like the things that I do on there should in some way try to start making me money or direct people towards me but I don’t like the way that feels. I don’t want my presence to be like “I’m here so give me money” that just feels gross to me. I want to actually connect with people, I want to actually help people and like share resources with people, I don’t wanna just be like “hey I’m here, I deserve money, you should pay me” but also I do deserve money and I should get paid. So it’s like, it’s complicated. I’m inspired by these people who are giving up their huge followings to do something different. It’s so loud, I hope you can hear me, I’m sorry it’s a terrible sound. But yeah it’s inspiring to me, and I’m also thinking about, if I’m going to continue being on social media… oh yay they paused for a second! If I’m going to continue being on social media, I’m going to need to do something different, and I don’t know what that is. Social media either sucks away my time and my life and my good feels and it leaves me feeling drained and shitty. OR the days that I can manage my time better, and get on, post something that’s meaningful, respond to comments and messages, and get off, those are the days that I feel a lot better. I know that time management and self control is something that I need to work on in terms of social media. If any of yall are time management gurus, please reach out to me, I would like help. I’m trying to think of ways that I can manage my time better. Maybe I’ll only be online for like x hours of the day, and if it’s after this hour then I won’t be online. I’m thinking about doing that and I’m sortof starting to implement that a little bit.
I continue to feel weird about my website. Nudity is a big part of my life, photography is a big part of my life, modeling isn’t something I want to continue doing very much unless it’s for specific things. But the way that I have my website set up it’s like “pay me for access to naked photos” and while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and it’s been wonderful for me for several years now, it doesn’t really feel quite right to me anymore. It feels really surface level and really… I’m not sure, it just… I continue noticing the need for change and I continue not having the answer to my need yet, and it feels weird to be in this liminal space. I’ve been through so many liminal spaces in the last year and a half. I feel like finding sturdy ground is sometimes a little difficult. But I also really like change, even though it used to terrify me. It’s funny, the things that were my last nightmare or the last thing I ever wanted, ended up being things that I chose for myself a lot over the last few years. It’s weird how things change. Yeah, so uh… I have plans and content that’s going to last me at least through Halloween, and I’ll probably continue with the way things have been just because it’s a few hours a week for me and it’s not like super draining or negative in terms of the use of my time, but I also am noticing that I keep pulling away from a lot of things and trying to make more empty space in my life. So I feel like something’s going to change with my website and I just don’t know what that is yet. I feel like I say this every week, but it’s true! Nothing is forever, and I do need some change, I just don’t know what that is yet and I appreciate you being along for the ride. I love you so much. Have a great day, bye. =]
(Oh, PS…. I just wanted to tell you about one thing I forgot to mention in the video! At the end of my shoot with ExhibitphotoPDX, I was balancing on a rock (the one I’m sitting on in the very last image in the full gallery) and it turned over, causing me to fall into a tree and scrape myself up haha. You can see the scrape in the photo below taken by Jacob Webster at the nude beach gathering. Whoops! In some of these photos with ExhibitphotoPDX you can see the big bruise that was still on the inside of my leg that I got when I was at Lake Tahoe hahaha)
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset taken by ExhibitphotoPDX in the Columbia River Gorge outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last year
click here to watch the short BTS video
click here to view the video Intro to Ecosexuality (the nude version I shot before doing the clothed Youtube version)First Look members:
click here to view the photoset of me & Eva Luna taken by KH at a nude beach outside of Portland
click here to view the BTS photos I took during that shoot
click here to view the BTS video -
Art Nuance & Evyenia Karapolous
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! So… gosh weeks go by so fast now. This week I’m sharing I think it’s 3 photosets actually, that I have modeled for, for my friend Nuance Artistry. One of the sets is in a studio, one of the sets is in an abandoned mill, and the other set is with another model. I always say her name wrong. I can spell it really well, but I don’t know if I’m going to say it right so I’m sorry. Evyenia Karapolous, she goes by a different name in real life, that’s her modeling name so I just call her the name that she goes by in real life but that’s not her modeling name. I think these are really great, these are older sets taken probably… 2 more more years ago now. Which feels weird, because time is really really weird.
I think the stuff that’s going into first look is the last time I saw Roarie Yum in person. They modeled for a photographer friend of mine PhotoWyse and I took some behind the scenes stuff and that’s what I’m sharing in First Look is the behind the scenes stuff that I took of Roarie during their shoot with Terry. I’m also sharing to video people the nude yoga video for this month! So yay.
I dont have a lot to say today, I feel like…. so I think I might switch up my schedule again in terms of what I’m doing during the week. I don’t know. Because after July I don’t have very much planned. On Mondays on youtube I’m doing that ecosexual series, and that’ll be finished in 2 weeks I think. I don’t really have anything planned for after that so I might take a break on that. I’ve really been enjoying the Thursday group hangout member gathering things, the video hangouts, but I also feel like maybe I should have more structure around it or change it up for something else. I haven’t decided. I feel like I’m perpetually switching up what I want to do. So I appreciate that yall want to hang around! I for sure am going to do the members hangout this week, which by the time you get this will have already happened because it’s tonight, Thursday night, not Saturday when this is going to be uploaded. Part of me wants to pause those for a little bit and recalibrate. I started doing them kindof at the beginning of quarantine as a way to stay connected, and they’ve been really fun, but at the same time… it’s just hanging out. And I feel like I want more than that, but I also don’t know exactly what I want that to be. But I also know that I want to have time for expanding things in the future like maybe teaching courses, queer hangouts, trans support group… I don’t know! I might switch stuff up, I might slow down or have more structure to or cancel or change the schedule for the group chats. I just know that something isn’t quite how I want it to be yet and I just don’t know where I want to go yet. I change so much! I’m glad that I’m not stagnant and stuck in the same thing over and over again, but I am noticing the need for change, I’m just not quite in the place where I know what that is yet.
I probably will no longer model for photographers, at least for a while, unless they’re like queer and/or trans people. I haven’t really wanted to model in a while and it just feels like another way for people to consume me in a way that is not really me. Because my naked body most people think (some flying thing just came into my space)… my naked body gets attention from people that I don’t necessarily want attention from, and I definitely don’t want sexual attention from like anybody. I feel like if I’m less naked (AHH what’s with the bugs today! there was a bug that was crawling on my foot!) I feel like if I’m less naked on the internet I’ll get less attention in the ways that I don’t want. I also feel like me being naked on the internet is a good chunk of the reason why people give me money and how I can pay my rent so that’s complicated. I definitely want to switch to a more queer trans ecosexual healing kindof platform, but I don’t know how to do that in a way that I’m still sustaining my self financially. I just know that I have way too many cis straight men who follow me and want to work with me, and that’s not really the like… I mean I love all of you people who are here of course… but in terms of new people finding me I’d much rather them be queer or trans or women or you know… not cis straight men. Sorry. Queer people are my people! Trans people are my people! Ecosexual people are my people! Cis straight men are not really my people. I have some wonderful cis straight men in my life that I super appreciate and love a whole lot, but in terms of the audience that I want to gather around myself and the community I want to create around myself and my business is not going to be catered to cis straight men and they are not the people I want to gather around me in large quantities. Because most of them probably see me as a woman and probably see me as somebody they want to have sex with and I do not want either of those things from them. Maybe that’s me not having enough faith in cis straight men to understand my queerness and to not objectify me and sexualize me, but based on my 30 years of life experience, I don’t have a lot of faith in cis straight men doing those things, unfortunately.
I just don’t know what to do to change things to be more of what I want them to be. I guess I just need to show up in the way that is authentic to myself and that will draw the right people around me because if I’m myself then more people like me will find me. I just feel like, I don’t want my work to be centered around…. okay so I love nudity and I DO want my work to be centered around nudity, but I want it to be centered around nudity in a non-sexual way that is healing and affirming and inclusive and NOT in a sexual or exploitative or objectifying in any way. I don’t know, I just know things need to change and I’m not exactly sure what that is yet or what that means. I just appreciate yall being here along for the ride. I’m always changing so my website is always changing and the things I’m doing are always changing. So I appreciate you being here in whatever capacity you’re here, if you’re a cis straight man I hope I didn’t make you too upset. Maybe go through my youtube and look at all my ecosexual stuff and in my resources here on my website I have a video on gender and sexuality that’s over an hour long. So if some of the queerness things are intriguing to you, I have resources already that I would love for you to check out, that’s more of my face talking to you!
I think it’s kinda interesting that… I was looking at some of the videos that I made last summer during my cross country road trip and I was thinking about how different I am from the person that I was last year and it’s made me a little bit sad because I was so much happier last summer when I was in all the nature. Here now is like, quarantine and stress and isolation and stuckness and a lot of numbness so I don’t quite know how to reconcile that and I realize that the whole entire planet is going through a lot right now with all of the oppression and fear and all the bullshit. It makes sense that I’m not the same happy person that I was last year. I also miss that person! I miss being completely overjoyed by rounding a corner and finding some vast amazing landscape, I miss being able to get in my van and just GO and stop anywhere and hang out and not worry about germs and play naked in a pile with other naked people and hang out and cuddle. I just… you probably feel it too. Everything’s harder this year. Thanks 2020!
I just want to find a way that I can share and affirm and honor queerness and transness and uplift that, and heal through that. I’m not quite sure what that means yet, but I’m working in that direction. Thank you for exploring existence with me. I love you, thank you for being here, I appreciate you so much. Bye!
Video members:
click here to view the full studio photoset with Nuance Artistry
click here for the abandoned mill photoset
click here for the photoset with Evyenia Karapolous
click here to view the BTS videos
click here to view the nude yoga video for JulyFirst Look members:
click here to view the BTS photos & videos from Roarie Yum‘s shoot with PhotoWyse -
Summer 2019 Cross Country Road Trip
OVERALL ROAD TRIP STATS
-69 days on the road (ALL of June & July)-9 states visited
-29 National Parks, National Monuments, and State Parks visited (+ many other natural areas)-10,000+ miles driven-41 nights spent in my van-20 nights spent with friends
-7 nights spent in airbnbs
-16 photoshoots as either the photographer or model
-18 rolls of film taken of other people
-20 rolls taken of landscapes for double exposures
-29 self portrait sets taken
-140 video blogs taken (I only missed 2 or 3 days the entire trip!)CLICK HERE TO VIEW ALL OF MY DAILY VIDEO BLOGS AND TRAVEL PHOTOS FOR FREE!!!
I wrote weekly trip updates for my mailing list while I was on the road this summer. I’m going to share with you what I’ve already shared with them, that way you’ll have more details from when it all was fresh on my mind!
Click here, scroll down, and enter your email to join my free mailing list! I periodically share free stuff, blogs, upcoming events, travel notices, casting calls, and other awesome stuff!UPDATE 1
I’m currently at Ignite! A small burn (think Burning Man but a LOT smaller – like 600 people) in the Virginia mountains. This is my second year in a row coming here. Last year was transformative and I’m excited to see what kind of experiences I have this time around!I get home from Ignite on Monday and I’ll have 3 days to unpack, do laundry, repack, say goodbye (for now) to loved ones, then I’m leaving on the 31st for my first solo cross country road trip!!!!I’ve been dreaming of visiting ALL of the National Parks for so long, and this summer I’m going to visit a BUNCH of them! First I’m heading straight over to Denver Colorado. I’ll be there for a day or two, then I’ll be off to Utah for a week or so before I make my way through California, Oregon, and Washington.I’ll be sending out regular updates so you can follow along on my journey!Here’s a list of the places I’m hoping to visit throughout June & July:McInnis CanyonsArchesCanyonlandsDead Horse PointCapitol ReefBryce CanyonZionCastle MountainsJoshua TreeSequoiaKings CanyonDeath ValleyYosemiteLassen VolcanicRedwoodCrater LakeNorth CascadesMt RainierOlympicI’ll be spending most of my time in June by myself in the desert. I’ll be taking a lot of self portraits, video blogs (vlogs), and creating courses (more on that soon!). I’ve never spent more than a week or so by myself so I’m really looking forward to getting to know myself better, and spending a LOT of time outdoors.In July I’ll be meeting up with creatives in Seattle and Portland, I’m so excited!
Colorado National MounumentUPDATE 2
My 2 month solo cross country road trip has officially begun! I left NC Friday the 31st and drove to southern Illinois, stayed with Tiffany Nacke for the night, photographed each other and hung out the next day, then I continued west and made it to Topeka Kansas late Saturday night. Sunday I drove all day and made it to Denver before sunset! I’m really proud of myself for making the trip from Charlotte NC to Denver CO in only 3 days. WHEW!Monday I stayed with my new friend Singingsiren44 and on Tuesday we drove into the Rockies and took photos in the mountain wilderness. On Wednesday I drove to Colorado National Monument, stayed the night, and explored more on Thursday (and almost got in big trouble with a park ranger but I am privileged and LUCKY AS FUCK and didn’t). After the ranger incident I decided to go ahead and head to MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH Moab Utah. I’ve been here since Thursday evening and I’m SOOOO happy to be here again. I’ve taken 11 self portrait sets (10 of them in 1 day), visited Canyonlands, Arches, Dead Horse Point, Castle Valley, and the La Sal Mountains.Yesterday and today I’m relaxing because I’ve been going non-stop and need a break!I’m making daily vlogs about my travels, click here to watch them! (And find out more about the park ranger situation haha)
Dead Horse Point State ParkUPDATE 3
I’m on day 22 of my road trip and whoa… out in Southern Utah amongst several National Parks it’s pretty difficult to find reliable internet and facilities. It’s been nice being semi off the grid (sometimes I get 4G on my phone so I can post to IG, answer emails etc), but now I have a BUNCH of computer work to do and there aren’t a ton of places to do it. I’ve been able to find showers and laundry easier than I’ve been able to find places with free wifi. Small town coffee shops so far have worked best for me, but they’re not in every town.I’ve been having a wonderful time exploring so many bucket list places since my last update: Goblin Valley, Capitol Reef, Grand Staircase – Escalante, Bryce Canyon, Zion, Valley of Fire, and Red Rock Canyon. I took a bunch of self portraits at Goblin Valley, Bryce Canyon, and Valley of Fire and I’m so excited to look through them!I’m currently in Vegas, even though I originally planned to skip it entirely. I’d rather be in nature than in big cities, but my body and mind needed a BREAK and I found a great airbnb for pretty cheap, so I’m here for 2 nights and it’s WONDERFUL. I took a SHOWER for the first time in a week, I did LAUNDRY, I’m sleeping in a bed that’s not in the back of my van for the first time in 2 weeks. It feels so gooooooooooood to be in a climate controlled house, in a big bed, on my computer getting stuff done. Also relaxing. Bigtime relaxing. Doing heavy emotional work on myself. Celebrating the fact that I still have over a month of road trip adventure left on this trip and I’ve listened to myself and my BODY when I needed a break from the constant go go go.If I can find a place to work for like, one day a week, I feel wayyyyy less stressed. I have a lot of stuff I can do on my phone with 4G, but there’s a LOT of stuff that I need my laptop and wifi to do, like this newsletter and uploading videos etc and if I wait for over a week to do anything I start to get really stressed out because I see the work piling up on me. I am here and being productive and also RESTING and RELAXING at the same time and ohhhhhh it feels great. <3I’ve continued to make at least one vlog every day so you can follow along on my journey, click here for the entire gallery of videos! There’s a LOT.
Valley of Fire State Park
UPDATE 4Officially one month on the road and I’m exhausted, but very happy.Since my last update I…-Spent a few days at an amazing Airbnb in Joshua Tree with some friends and made some AWESOME art (coming soon to my website!)-Got a stick n poke tattoo-Spent an afternoon in Joshua Tree National Park-Spent 2 days driving through and exploring Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks (holy shit Sequoias are huge and old, wow such energy)-Spent 3.5 days driving north through the Eastern Sierras, visiting Alabama Hills, Sabrina Lake, Mammoth Lakes, June Lake, Silver Lake, Mono Lake, and Lake Tahoe-Had a few days of freaking out because I took the saniderm off of my tattoo too early (late night bad decision that I REGRET), and was scared that I got it infected which turned into me feeling like I’m not taking care of myself and like I’m a failure (it’s healing better now but I’ll probably need to get it touched up)-Learned that I should probably not get tattoos while on the road-Had my first experience since being on the road of having trouble finding a place to sleep… a couple nights ago I went to FIVE different places before finally settling down at the SIXTH place. Drove around for an hour and a half trying to find a place I felt safe to sleep. Whew. Glad that’s only happened once so far.-Spent a lot of time next to rivers, lakes, and waterfalls. If you’re ever at Lake Tahoe I HIGHLY recommend Eagle Falls! It gets busy really fast so go early morning!-Decided to skip Yosemite because the main road into the park doesn’t open until after the timeframe I’ve planned to be in that area. Plus, I believe Yosemite deserves more of my time than just 2 days. I want to come back next year for at least a week. Apparently there’s a Vipassana center there?! I REALLY want to do a Vipassana and OMG how amazing would it be to do one in YOSEMITE?!-Am FINALLY spotting on day 45 of my cycle!!!! Last time I went on a road trip my body did this… waited a LONG time before bleeding. I guess it’s the extra stress on my body from all the traveling.July is when ALL THE THINGS happen! I spent pretty much all of June completely by myself, but July is when I’m being hosted by model friends, having a bunch of photoshoots, and hopefully doing even more hiking!I serendipitously scheduled myself to be in Portland on the same weekend as the Oregon County Fair and I’ve heard about how amazing it is so I plan to go at some point during that weekend. =]I’m currently at an airbnb outside of Reno for the weekend so I can do a TON of computer work, shower, and DO LAUNDRYYYYYYY! Clean sheets and wifi are such a luxury.
Joshua Tree National Park
UPDATE 5Since my last email I’ve visited Lassen Volcanic National Park, Arcata CA, Redwoods National & State Parks, and (briefly) Eugene OR. I had an overnight camping and half day shoot adventure with a photographer in Lassen, which was a trip! I was NOT expecting it to be as cold or for THAT MUCH SNOW to still be on the ground! There were sections of the park that were still under about 6 feet of snow… IN JULY! A couple of lakes were still ice and snow covered, with just the tiniest bit of BRIGHT BLUE water peeking out underneath. The campground we stayed at was not in the snowy area (thank goodness) but there was definitely a fair amount of snow still on the ground in the forest nearby. Lassen was definitely on the more extreme side of landscapes to model in. I scraped my body up posing on sharp pine needles, rough tree bark, and even inside of a burnt-out tree!I spent a couple days with friends in Arcata CA, and I fell in LOVE! <3 They live NEXT TO A REDWOOD FOREST so of course I took a walk in the forest every day I was there. It was incredible, I wish I lived close to a space like that. Ferns as tall as I am, clovers as big as my palm, and Redwoods towering above. It’s magickal in there. Not only is Arcata beautiful forest-wise, but it’s also only a few minutes away from the Pacific Coast. They took me to Moonstone beach and my first time seeing/touching the Pacific ocean did NOT disappoint. There were huge rocks, lush green caves, and TIDE POOLS! My first time seeing tide pools, too… such a beautiful mini-ecosystem.After I left Arcata I went through Redwoods National & State Parks, Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park, and Jedidiah Smith Redwoods State Park. I spent most of the day driving through groves of enormous trees and happened to park at the trailhead for Big Tree which is 286 feet tall, over 23 feet in diameter, and estimated to be about 1500 years old. All of the parks were wonderful, but I think my favorite was Howland Hill Road through Jedidiah Smith. It’s a really narrow 2 way dirt road that’s 10 miles long and takes you through a big chunk of the park and has lots of places to stop along the road. There are a few places where the massive trees are growing so close together that only one vehicle can get through at a time. I did part of the Boy Scout Tree trail which was GORGEOUS, but it was almost sunset and I ran out of time to walk the whole trail. I definitely want to go back and spend more time there in the future.I just got to Portland (after a very brief stop in Eugene for food and sleep), and I’m in a coffee shop getting some computer work done until I can meet my friend at his place after he gets off work. I have an exciting few days coming up! I have a half day shoot with a photographer outdoors somewhere, and the next day I have a modelographer group shoot at a nude beach! AHHHH so excited!As always, I have lots of new daily travel vlogs for you to watch! click here
Columbia River GorgeUPDATE 6
Oregon is GORGEOUS, y’all!I’ve spent the last several days here in Portland and I’m LOVING IT! I’ve had a shoot every day, including the nude beach gathering group shoot a few days ago which was SUPER FUN! By the end we had a naked cuddle pile of 8 people on the beach while a photographer photographed us with their drone! AHHH! I am SO EXCITED to see all of the images from that day, I got a sneak peek of the drone shots and OMGGGG <3If you’re ever in Portland and want to see lots of gorgeous nature stuff, go to the Columbia River Gorge area. Just… wow. I’ve spent 2 days there this week and I’m in LOVE. Beaches, waterfalls, forests, mountains… it’s all there.I’m heading to Seattle soon for another week full of photoshoots. I’m meeting up with some friends I’ve shot with before and also meeting several new people I’ve followed for a long time, so I’m looking forward to creating lots of art. As always. =]
Mt Rainier National ParkUPDATE 7
I’ve been spending the last 2 weeks with a shoot just about every day, and they’ve all been wonderful! The shoot that I’m most excited to tell you about is the nude beach group shoot I organized outside of Portland.None of us knew everyone, most of us knew one or two people, and some of us had never even met anyone… and we all came together with creativity and love. We spent a decent amount of time just hanging out at first, then once most of us were there we all got in a circle and introduced ourselves and said what we could contribute to the group (photographer, model, assistant, BTS etc). I led us through a really short group meditation, then we talked about what we all wanted to do first, made some vague plans, then started shooting! The group morphed and changed, smaller groups broke off from the whole, people moved from group to group, and by the end of the day we had an 8 person nude cuddle pile while Jake took drone shots of us from above!It was an incredible experience and now I’m more excited than ever to start planning more in-person creative gatherings.
Glacier National ParkUPDATE 8
Holy moly why have I never made a trip to Montana or Wyoming before?! It’s GORGEOUS here!!!Since my last newsletter, I’ve spent a decent amount of time in Glacier National Park, Yellowstone National Park, and Grand Tetons National Park! After I was in Tacoma for about a week, I went back to Portland for another last minute shoot, then I headed East for the first time in about 2 months. I drove from Portland to Glacier, spent a couple nights there, then a couple nights in Yellowstone, drove through some of Grand Teton, and now I’m in Thermopolis WY staying with friends of the family for a couple nights. I’m doing as much computer stuff as I can today while I have wifi, and this evening I’ll probably go check out the hot springs in town! I’ve been near a lot of hot springs on this trip but I have yet to get in one… hopefully I’ll have experienced a natural hot spring for myself before my next newsletter!I probably won’t be doing these newsletters every week (like I have been) once I’m back home because I won’t have as much to talk about. I plan on locking myself in the house and going through the THOUSANDS of photos I’ve taken on this cross country adventure and getting them ready to share with members of my website. I’ll probably do newsletters every 2 weeks or once a month in the future.*If you follow my instagram and watch my stories regularly, you’ve probably seen that I’ve been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately. I made a really vulnerable vlog about what’s going on with me personally that’s in there with my other daily vlogs. If you’re curious what’s been going on with me, that video explains it really well.*click here for the daily travel vlogs I’ve been making for this trip!
Yellowstone National ParkUPDATE 9
I got home on August 7th after 69 days on the road. This is by far the longest trip I have ever been on, and the longest time I’ve been on my own in my entire life. It changed my life, honestly. I now enjoy spending time by myself, and look forward to it! I never wanted to be alone before. I care even LESS what people think of me, which is really awesome because now I have a lot more room in my brain for much better things like what I want to eat and where I want to explore next! hahaI have complete faith in myself that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. It might be hard and uncomfortable, but I am capable. I have a large support system of wonderful family and friends and if I should falter, I know they will help pick me back up. I am so grateful.Since July 1st….I’ve visited: Lake Tahoe, Lassen Volcanic, Arcata, Redwood, Portland, Tacoma, Mt Rainier, Bainbridge Island, Olympia, Glacier, Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Thermopolis, and Bloomington! (California, Oregon, Washington, Montana, Wyoming, Illinois)I had 13 photoshoots. I organized a nude beach gathering with 8 other people. I went to 2 different nude beaches. I drove over 5000 miles. I stayed with friends for 20 nights and slept in my van 17 nights.I saw the Pacific ocean for the first time, saw tidepools for the first time, and had my first natural hot spring experience!I became single, by choice, for basically the first time in my life. I’ve learned that solo polyamory and relationship anarchy feel the best for me in terms of relationship at this point in my life.Now I have 18 rolls of film to get developed… OH MY GOSH I’ll have SO MUCH to share with members of my website once I get all of my photos back and in order! I so look forward to sharing all of this wonderful nude art!!!
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Arches National Park -
FREE ARCHIVED BLOG & PHOTOSET
I originally wrote this for Patreon on April 4 2016. I’m planning on switching everything over from Patreon to my website (here) over the next few months and thought I would share some of my old blogs with you for FREE to show my appreciation for you visiting my website! <3
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Okay, so I hardly ever post anything personal on tumblr or instagram (or any social media for that matter) but I thought I would share more here with you guys. If this is something you’ve been wanting, yay! If not… I guess let me know? Hopefully you’d like to know more about me since you support my photography & modeling & whatnot.
Anyway, on to personal stuff… I had my IUD removed today and replaced it with a different kind. I’ve been at home ever since with cramps and just generally not feeling great or motivated. Thankfully I’m not working today so that’s helped. I had a Skyla IUD which slowly releases small amounts of a progestin hormone into my uterus. Sadly (and embarrassingly) it took me 2 years to realize that this has to be the source of some of the health issues that started in June/July 2014. I got Skyla in March 2014. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Why didn’t I make the correlation sooner?! My body suddenly had more hormones in it than ever, of course it freaked out.
As of today I’ve switched to ParaGuard, which is a non-hormonal IUD that is just as effective in preventing pregnancy. I expect to start seeing an improvement in my health in the next few months. It was really nice not having a period for 2 years but I’ll take menstruation over health issues any day.
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I took this self portrait set in November 2014!
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Cross country road trip: one month down, one to go.
In 1 month on the road I’ve:-driven over 4500 miles-visited 18 National Parks, National Monuments, and State Parks-visited 4 different states (Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California)-taken 5 showers-spent 24 nights sleeping in my van-spent 5 nights in airbnbs-spent 2 nights hosted by a friend-shot 15 rolls of landscapes for double exposures (MORE ON THESE SOON!!)-shot 28 self portrait sets (holy shit I counted just now and didn’t realize I’d taken that many already wowwww)-made 86 daily travel vlogs (for you to watch for free! see below!)-made 26 videos with my digital camera-made hundreds of videos with my cell phoneNow that I’ve put all of this info together I feel SUPER pleased about how much I’ve accomplished. Wow. And to think I was feeling some kinda way about productivity earlier this month… pshhhh.
All of my relaxing or “doing nothing” time is ALSO time that *all the things* are in the process of being done. Things need to marinate sometimes. I cultivate my creative energy by doing things for ME, and the BEST time to create is when I am filled with creative energy, wouldn’t you agree?!
Wow, I’m really typing this to remind myself more than anything. I have such a tendency to push myself to work and check things off to do lists that it’s easy to put myself last. I can talk all day about self care and the importance of doing things for yourself, just because… but when it comes to myself sometimes I forget.
This trip has really helped me remember the importance of just… laying in the grass. Climbing rocks. Crying next to a river. Sitting between two massive trees and watching the wind in their crowns.
We as a society tend to go and do and think about what’s next and and and
I’m catching myself speeding up, feeling more inadequate, more anxious, in my head too much when I’m looking at screens a lot of the day.
There’s been a new kind of anxiety of not knowing when I’ll have internet again, or even phone service because of some of the remote landscape locations I’m visiting. But it’s SO FREEING at the same time.
I have my own full attention. No notifications from the computer in my pocket.
The relief of being completely alone.
I am able to see more details, like the little bird flitting around under the bush, the secret little nook in the hollow of a tree, or the way the light shines through the trees in just the right way to see a spider web high above.
This is my reminder to come back to myself.
This trip is showing me how to just BE with myself. I so often avoid introspection because I have a hard time disentangling my thoughts and feelings and I don’t usually know how to explain what I’m feeling or why. It’s easier to just fill my schedule with tons of things to do so that I don’t have to sit with myself.
That’s made my thoughts and feelings just get more confused and intense and it’s time. Time for me to sit with them. Disentangle them. Ask them their names and why they’re here inside of me. Acknowledge their presence in my life and ALLOW THEM TO BE THERE. Take the time to sit with them, feel through them…. let them tell me whatever it is I need to know. And let them pass.
Time with myself makes me want to spend even MORE time alone. I’m at this point in my life where I feel like I’m finally starting to figure out who I really am. Not what’s been expected of me by our monogamous cisheteropatriarchal racist capitalist society. That version of life is too constricting, too hollow, too exclusionary.
Time with myself allows me to stretch and learn and grow and BLOOM.
And I feel like I’ve only just started.
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If you haven’t already, join my free mailing list! I’m sending out updates every week or so along with the link to ALL of the (more than) daily vlogs I’ve made on this trip! To join, just go to bunnyluna.com, scroll down, and enter your email! -
Thankful
Three years ago on May 22nd 2016, I had the experience of my first real shibari suspension, which in itself was really special and magickal. It put me in a headspace I had never been in, and it was a powerful way to connect with a new friend I made while at an artists retreat. The rigger who tied me was very practiced and knowledgeable and we discussed limits and safety beforehand, and even with those precautions the shibari suspension resulted in me sustaining a major injury to the radial nerve on my right arm. That nerve damage caused me to have wrist drop for 3 months. That means I had no use of my (dominant) right hand for THREE MONTHS. I was inexperienced and wasn’t cautious enough or listening to my body enough to realize I was damaging my radial nerve. I know better now, I know how to check myself periodically to make sure everything in my body is still good, and I know how to better communicate with the person tying me. Honestly, I would definitely do a shibari suspension again, even after being injured during my first experience, but I will probably never do a TK again, which was the tie my arms were in that caused the injury after being in it for too long. The nerves in my arms and wrists are just too fragile to be in that kind of tie.
I’m bringing this up because its coming up on the 3 year anniversary of this happening, and also because I just found a BUNCH more photos (200+) from that day that I’ve uploaded to an archived folder, which you can view by clicking here if you’re a photo member.
If you’re a video member, click here to watch the video I made showing how my wrist/hand was impacted by wrist drop.
I’m so thankful that I regained the use of my right hand, that it only impacted my life for a short amount of time (3 months was a long time when it was happening but in the grand scheme of things is really not that long), and that I gained a new perspective and knowledge because of it.
Be thankful for what you have because it’s not guaranteed forever.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!