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Maya Tihtiyas
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing 2 photosets, one that I took of Maya Tihtiyas (I apologize Maya if I’m saying your last name wrong!), she visited NC and came and hung out with me at my house for a little bit and we photographed each other, so there’s a photoset that I took of her and a photoset she took of me. This was probably OVER a year ago for sure, I could look up the exact date but it isn’t super accessible to me at the moment, so it’s not that big of a deal for me to know exactly when these were taken. I have a habit of hoarding photos for a really long time and not sharing them, so yeah… I don’t really know why I do that. BUT these photos I really like. I think the set I have scheduled to share is the double exposure set I took of her and I really like them they’re really cool.
Today is a weird day for me, I don’t know, I emotionally don’t feel like super here, and my period is LATE and I’m trying to not be too annoyed or like freaked out by it, but I think that’s maybe part of why my emotions are feeling weird right now. Also a friend of mine that’s barely more than an acquaintance, like we’ve hung out twice and we used to go to the same yoga studio before lockdown, reached out to me because she has some similar relationship experience to me in terms of polyamory. She’s going through a rough time right now and wanted support and I am not in a place emotionally or time wise to be able to give her the support that she needs. We’re taught through our culture and through movies/tv shows/songs/peoples expectations that we’re supposed to abandon ourselves in order to help out our friends or the people we love or our partners or whatever, and I did that for years and years, and I’m not doing that anymore. So it was hard to set a boundary but I did it, I said “I appreciate that you trust me to hold space for you, but today I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to do justice to the kind of support that you need. Do you have someone else you can reach out to for support?” I don’t know if I’ve really ever done this before because I’m the kind of person, or I have been in the past, that has always felt like if I’m a good friend then I need to support people or help them out in their time of need. So it’s hard to set boundaries and say “hey, I know myself well enough to know that I’m not capable of doing a good job of supporting my friend right now” so I’m going to be honest with them and say “hey I don’t have it in me to be able to do this today.” And this is something new that I’ve just started being able to do. It’s not easy and it’s like… it goes against what a lot of our culture teaches us is expected from us. It sucks because it makes it really hard. And I’m not the kind of person to beat around the bush. I like to be direct and be like “this is what’s going on and this is what I need and this is the thing” and this conversation was through text so I was worried that she would take it the wrong way or be mad at me for not being able to “be a good friend” but I can’t abandon myself for anyone anymore. I’ve done that a lot throughout a lot of my life and I’m not doing it anymore. And I hope you don’t do it to yourself either, because it sucks. A lot. It hurts.
It’s been raining for 4 days straight and I’m glad that I just took a walk because it wasn’t raining when I was taking a walk and now it’s raining again. I took a walk in the rain yesterday. I just… feel gloomy today and the weather/rain is totally matching my mood. Or I’m matching the weather, what came first, the chicken or the egg? My mood or the weather? I don’t know if I’ve told yall before but I am capable of weather magick so I don’t always know if my mood came first or if the weather came first because I’m very connected to the weather. If you don’t believe me that’s okay. But I can tell you that there have been at least 5 times in the last couple of years that it has been about to start storming, like very obviously storming is about to happen, and I have calmly and gently and politely asked the weather to please wait until I’m inside with all of my things before it starts raining and… guess what happened? I get inside with all of my things, even if I have a delay, and then as soon as I close the door it starts POURING. This has happened at least 5 times in my life. I have a relationship to the Earth and the weather and I know that I am capable of weather magick. Whether or not the atmosphere/nature wants to listen to me is a different story, but it’s like a… what’s the word I’m looking for? Uhm, I have a relationship with the Earth and the weather.
I don’t know, I don’t have much else to say, I don’t want to be gloom and doom and make yall feel sad, because I want to be a source of inspiration and happiness and joy and education and love for everyone that I meet online so I don’t want to talk too much about my sad feelings. I know it’s really needed sometimes but I feel like since the pandemic I’ve had more gloomy/sad things to talk about than happy things to talk about so I don’t want to tip the scale in the sad direction anymore than I already have. So… I love you! I hope you’re doing well! I hope it’s sunshiney and happy wherever you are. I love you forever. I appreciate you being here supporting me, and I’ll talk to you next week.
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of me taken by Maya Tihtiyas
click here to view the full double exposure photoset I took of Maya Tihtiyas
click here to view the video of me getting into my body
click here to view the video of me lounging nude in the sunFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset on a desert rock in Utah from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the self portrait photoset of formations at dusk in Utah from my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video -
Nude Beach Gathering – images from Jake & Kayla
Video members now have access to:
- vlog with the story behind this photoset taken by Jacob Webster and edited by Kayla Webster during the nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer
- 81 image complete photoset
- 21 minutes of BTS video
- 16.5+ minute nude yoga video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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56 image complete self portrait photoset during desert dusk in Utah
- 4+ minutes of BTS video
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Nude Beach Gathering – images from Jake & Kayla
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing a photoset with you that was taken by Jacob Webster and edited by his now wife Kayla Webster during the nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer. I think this is the last photoset that I have from that event that I’m sharing with you so, yeah I think this is the end of that. I really love the photos that they took, these include the photos that were taken by the drone. Jake had the drone and used it at the end of the shoot for the big cuddle pile that was really wonderful and super fun. These are some of my favorites from that day, I love all of them but these are probably some of my favorites. A giant cuddle pile and you could see all of us from above? Yeah definitely.
I… I keep going back and forth in terms of how I feel about the things that I’m doing and I’m kinda concerned about how I probably only have a month or two left of content backlog to share with you and after that I don’t really know because I haven’t really been making anything other than videos. In the future, after the next couple months once I get through the backlog, I might not be sharing as much as frequently in terms of photosets, because I just have not been inspired to take photos since like, last fall basically. I kinda totally burnt myself out doing a LOT last summer. Then with my realization that I’m trans, and the realization that like… I don’t know. This isn’t the only thing I want to do with my life and I still am kinda struggling to figure out what the rest of that is. I don’t know… I feel like I need to have an answer about who I am and what I’m about and the message that I want to spread but the overall thing that I have is like “lets love each other and make everyone equal.” The light here is really bright, let’s see if I can get… that’s better. I think it’s important to point out the injustices that exist in our society because we can’t make any positive change unless we acknowledge that there’s a problem. I feel…. I feel like I should have it figured out and I totally don’t and I’m trying to be gentle with myself in the process. It’s kinda scary because my website is basically my only source of income and if I don’t continue what I’ve always been doing is anyone going to be interested in what I’m doing? If I change too much is everybody gonna bail and I’m going to be without an income? I don’t know. I really want to be true to myself and I really don’t want to force myself to do things that don’t feel right, which is taking photos right now. I do at some point in the future want to start taking self portraits again, but that’s not anything that I’m going to but a day or time commitment on because that’s a surefire way to get me to not want to do it is if I feel like I have to. I’m such a Sagittarius! I don’t want to be nailed down to anything, I don’t want to commit! So.. I don’t know, everything is weird. Maybe part of it is that I’m still not bleeding and I’m supposed to start my period sometime and I always get weird emotionally before my period so maybe that’s part of it.
But something I’m looking forward to, is tomorrow, so today is Thursday, I always do these early, so by the time you watch this it’ll be yesterday, but TOMORROW is Friday and I am doing a livestream on IG with Lior and we’re going to be giving a little preview of the vulnerability talk that we’re doing jointly with Roarie on Monday as a full discussion, and that’s something I’m excited about. It’s been really wonderful to connect with the two of them and spend time brainstorming and creating this discussion that we have planned out for yall. We’ve really loved getting feedback from other people. All 3 of us asked questions about vulnerability on our IG stories and the feedback we’ve gotten from people has been really amazing. And also the place that we have everyone signing up for the vulnerability discussion, which is FREE you should totally sign up! If you’re available, join us on Monday for free! 7pm eastern, the 3 of us are doing a whole discussion on this. And I’ve already lost my train of thought, but… yeah if you want to join us we would totally love to have you. OH! The place you sign up for it is a google form and it has questions about vulnerability, they’re not required for you to sign up, the only thing that’s absolutely required in order to sign up is your email address, but so far the responses that we’ve gotten from people in that too have been really amazing. I love the different perspectives that people are bringing to the table and some of the things that people are saying about vulnerability and how it shows up in their lives are things I haven’t thought about at all yet and it’s really wonderful that there’s so much to say about it. So if you’re interested, its free! I think when I made this video last week we were still in the planning stages and were thinking about having it be a paid event, but we’re like “you know what? lets just provide this for free for people” because it’s stuff that we want more people to have access to and we don’t want the barrier of money to be there. I’m excited, I think it’s going to be really wonderful. I’ve already really enjoyed spending time with Lior and Roarie talking about this so I know that the discussion on Monday will go even more in depth and we will be able to have conversations with the people that come to the talk. I think it’ll be eye opening and connective and just really wonderful, so I’m looking forward to that.
Hello little bird! It’s a little Carolina Wren right over there. I don’t know if you can see it. It’s over there. That kinda bird, we have a covered area over by the house and it has little troughs inside of it that have lights in them and these little, it’s usually 2 little Carolina Wrens will nestle up in the corners and sleep at night. They don’t have a nest or anything they just come and sit in the corner and sleep and it’s so cute! I haven’t seen them in a few days but they come and go randomly, it’s really adorable.
Okay, now that my neighbor is mowing their grass. I don’t have much else to share with you at the moment, but I just wanted to say thank you and I love you and I appreciate you going on this weird journey with me! I don’t know where I’m going so how could I expect yall to know where I’m going?! I appreciate that yall support me and that you’re along for the ride, because I don’t even know where this is going. I know that it’s going somewhere cool, and somewhere that fits me, even though I don’t know what that is, but I appreciate that you’re here and doing this with me. I love you!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset taken by Jacob Webster and edited by Kayla Webster during the nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon during my cross country road trip last summer
click here to view the BTS video
click here to view the nude yoga videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the self portrait photoset during desert dusk in Utah
click here to view the BTS video -
Quinn Sanguine & Megan Ayn
Video members now have access to:
- vlog with the story behind this photoset of Quinn Sanguine and Megan Ayn in Tacoma Washington
- 34 image complete photoset
- 16.5 minutes of BTS video
First Look members now have access to:
-
everything above
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58 image complete photoset of me in a Nashville TN park taken by Bashing Bagpipes
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Quinn Sanguine & Megan Ayn
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hello! So this week I am sharing a photoset that I took of my friends Quinn and Megan when I was in Tacoma Washington. It’s funny because I’ve been friends with Quinn for a long time and I’ve met them a few times prior to my trip out there. Quinn used to live in the Boston area and did a couple of trips along the east coast and I was able to hang out with them during that time. Then they moved across the country, they did a cross country tour at the same time they were moving across the country. They moved to Tacoma a year or two ago, no longer than that, a couple years ago now. Wow, time is wild yall! Quinn moved to Tacoma and offered to host me while I was in the area so I stayed with them for I think it was close to a week, it was like at least 4 or 5 days. I had been talking to Megan about shooting with her because we’ve followed each other on IG for a while. Come to find out, Quinn and Megan lived like 5-10 minutes away from each other and they hadn’t met yet. It was awesome, Quinn and I went to Megan’s house and hung out and took photos of each other, it was a great time. That day when we were shooting I was feeling kinda weird, I think I wasn’t quite as inspired because we were indoors instead of outside, and I didn’t think I had the film that I needed in order to get the proper exposure inside the house. I had a lot of fast film/lower ISO film, and it wasn’t going to be enough light for me to take photos, but then I found ONE roll of film that was 1600 ISO that I had, and that was just enough to take photos. I was really excited that I was actually able to take photos, because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to because I didn’t have the right film for the space that we were in. I found that one roll and that was was very helpful and I’m thankful that I was able to photograph them when I was there. I already shared the photos that Megan took of me and Quinn, and these are the photos that I took of Quinn and Megan.
What’s going on with me this week… today’s Thursday, I usually do my prep for the weekend on Thursdays, and today is the full moon. I’m not feeling as energetically and emotionally effected by this moon as I usually do, and it’s kinda odd to me because I remember having a Scorpio moon, I think it was last year, and that was really intense for me, and this Scorpio moon isn’t really? Which I find pretty interesting. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little bit less stuck, I know I’ve been talking about feeling stuck the last couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little less stuck in terms of creative and goals and life stuff. I’ve started to plan some online opportunities with a couple of other artists and I’m really excited to share that with you coming up soon.
Actually I’ll go ahead and tell you, Lior Allay and Roarie Yum and I are doing live videos on IG next week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, talking about vulnerability. On Monday the 18th we’ll be hosting an online event/discussion between us and the people who are a part of the event. We’re going to do a live video chat type of thing. We haven’t quite, as of today, come up with a specific name/wording about what we’re going to do but I know that we’re going to go more in depth about vulnerability in art and speak to what that means for us, if nudity is a part of that for us and why, and how to create spaces where we allow other people to be vulnerable. I’m very excited about that, so keep an eye out on mine, Lior’s, and Roarie’s IGs for more info about that coming up soon. I’ll send info to my mailing list when we have more promotional materials ready. I’m pretty excited about it, I’ve been feeling like not really ready or willing to do a lot of creative stuff recently, and I’ve tried really hard to not beat myself up about it because it’s expected of me from myself and my community. I feel thankful that I have the opportunities that I do in order to not have to constantly create in order to make a living. I have a backlog of all of the things I’ve created last summer to get me through this slump time, but now that I’m in collaboration with Roarie and Lior, I’m starting to get more excited about art again. Even if I’m not actively creating right now, which I still haven’t been creating, just having the conversations around art has been really wonderful for me and healing in a way, just thinking about it more and being in a mindset where I’m more receptive to creativity and art has felt really nice. I’m excited to go through these discussions with them over the next couple of weeks and share our knowledge with yall. I’ll link to my instagram, Lior’s instagram, and Roarie’s instagram in the caption of this video to make it easy for you to click and see what kind of things we’re doing online. (Click here for my IG, click here for Roarie’s IG, click here for Lior’s IG)
Do you hear that hawk?! *looking around above me* I think it’s pretty wonderful and magickal that when I’m out here making videos for yall there’s some kind of bird that is talking to me. Last week it was hummingbirds and this week it’s a hawk. Hawks are really magickal and powerful and I connect with them a lot already just because I know that there are some that have nests somewhere around my neighborhood, somewhere near my house. They’re here a lot, I see them a lot and hear them a lot. I think that’s pretty magickal. I’m trying to not be too distracted.
So… that’s pretty much the only thing that’s new with me, the vulnerability in art talks that I’ll be doing with Lior and Roarie. Keep an eye out if you want to participate, we’re going to do a really affordable online discussion through video chat. I also just heard an owl! But it’s like… noon! Anyway! The discussion we’ll be hosting, the instagram lives will be free. There’s that owl again! So those will be Monday Wednesday Friday next week for free, and then the online video discussion group video thing we’re doing will be on Monday the 18th and that will be donation based with a $5 minimum. Donate whatever you’re able based on the value you get out of our talk. We’re going to be splitting the funds from that between the 3 of us. I’m really excited, I think it’ll be a really great discussion. I think vulnerability is something that most people skirt around or avoid when they’re creating art. They focus on making things that are beautiful or aesthetically pleasing, but not necessarily have any emotion or vulnerability behind them. I think it’s going to be a really wonderful discussion to bring vulnerability to light and emphasize the importance of it in art. I mean, I personally get the most out of art when there’s some kind of message behind it, or I can tell that someone has a lot of emotion and is sharing that with us through their art, that’s really vulnerable to me, being your true self and not thinking or worrying about what other people think about you or what their expectations are. I invite you to join us for that. I’ll share links whenever I have them, we’re still gathering info and working together to figure out how to make it the best event possible. I’m really excited, I love working with them, they’re amazing humans. I look up to them both, and I’ve been lucky enough to create with both of them more than once and I love it!
Thank you so much for following my journey of… whatever this is. I just want to be the person that past me needed, and hopefully that person is someone that you need too, or someone that you at least get some kind of value out of. I don’t want to just have empty, pretty things. I want to share with yall deeply and in meaningful ways, and I want to help educate people and I want to help heal people and I can’t do that without being vulnerable myself. I appreciate yall being a part of this with me. I love you so much, thank you for loving me!
Video members:
click here to view the full photoset of Quinn Sanguine and Megan Ayn in Tacoma Washington
click here to view the BTS videoFirst Look members:
click here to view the photoset of me in a Nashville TN park taken by Bashing Bagpipes -
Nude Beach Gathering!
Captions for the video above:
Hey friends! So this week I’m sharing a couple different photosets from the nude beach gathering that I hosted/facilitated last summer outside of Portland Oregon at a nude beach there. There were I think 8 or 9 of us and it was really fun, it was an experience like no other. We all met up at the nude beach and we brought blankets and whatever snacks we wanted, there was a bunch of fruit there, some people brought flowers, so people brought things that we wanted. We hung out and got to know each other for a while. Once everybody got there I started off with a mini meditation and we talked about what part we wanted to play in the photo-making and what we wanted to do and what ideas we had and it was really great. It’s funny because we hung out for so long that it was starting to get to sunset so we were like “okay we should shoot now!” We started off in the big group in the sunset light next to the water and did some group photos together there, then we split off into mini groups, and then at the end we all got back together to do the big cuddle pile. Those photos I’ll be sharing with you in a few weeks because that is going to be a post of it’s own, there’s a bunch of photos from that set and they’re amazing. These are pretty much all of the other photos. I took 1 roll of film. It was kinda overwhelming trying to do all of the things, like facilitating the gathering, being a photographer, being a model… so I ended up just taking 1 roll of film of the group. I’m sharing some photos that other people took, like my friend Ambivalent Ann who I posted photos of her last week, she took a bunch of really awesome photos, and Shawnna Lee took several really cool behind the scenes photos. It was an amazing time, a really wonderful gathering of people. There were only one or two people that I had ever met before that, most of them were new to me, they were friends of friends, or that were recommended to me, or people that I had followed for a while. It was great to meet with a bunch of people that I didn’t really know but we all connected pretty deeply. It was really wonderful getting to know all of these creative people and spending time with them and relaxing on the beach. It was a really beautiful day and I’m so thankful that I was able to do that. It’s times like these in the middle of a pandemic that I super miss those kinds of interactions with people and I am really super thankful that I was able to do all of these kinds of things before this happened. So that’s the photoset that I’m sharing with you this week!
In terms of my life right now… to be honest I’m kinda in this weird place emotionally, I’ve cried basically every day for the last week. I don’t know, I’m still figuring things out. I feel like I’m in transition still and there’s a lot of changes that I know will be coming up but I don’t know what those are. I feel like I’m not as excited about modeling anymore, it’s been like that for a while. I do want to be like… the representative model for non binary people because most models are cis women, and they’re usually skinny and white, and I know I fit into some of that category, but I don’t know, I’m kinda torn between wanting to just not pressure myself at all about modeling because it’s not been something I’ve been excited about, but then also I want to be that representation in the world because there’s not a lot of non binary representation. So I might continue modeling, but only for self portraits. Which, I mean, I haven’t taken any photos since September or November. The last time I was taking photos on a semi regular basis was September, and I did one photoshoot in November, and other than that I haven’t shot anything, and it’s mid April. I haven’t really been creative in months! It kinda feels weird but it’s also kinda relieving because I feel like I’m not pressuring myself to do these things that I’m not super excited about, but it’s something that I worry about because I want to still have content for yall! But I don’t want to force myself because if I do then the content isn’t going to be as good, I want to be inspired and for it to come from my heart and at this point I’m not and it wouldn’t be coming from my heart if I just made myself take photos. It’s easier for me lately to make videos than anything, which is why I’ve just continued to do that and why I’m going in the direction of video instead of just photos here on my website. Life is weird yall, I don’t know if I’m just kinda going into a depressive state during quarantine, or maybe it would’ve been happening anyway, I kinda think that it was, it’s just kinda being highlighted and more obvious during quarantine because I’m just sitting here with my emotions. I don’t want to let yall down, but I also am not going to force myself to make things if I’m not inspired and I’m not excited about it and it’s not something that’s coming from my heart. I’m being gentle with myself, I’m acknowledging that I’m feeling this way, and not pressuring myself to do things that I’m not really wanting to do.
I’m super thankful for all of yall for being here through all of these transitions and changes and fluctuations. I feel like I’m still constantly figuring myself out. I mean, I’m 30 years old and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. That feels kinda weird, but I mean, I’m not going to force it, because that would be worse. I’m glad that yall are allowing me to figure it out as I go. I really appreciate yalls understanding and patience with me. I know that I will continue to have things to share with you, it just may not always be nude art. And that’s okay, because I can’t force that, I don’t want to force that, it would be disingenuous and the quality wouldn’t be there if I was forcing it. I’ll continue to share all of these things that I’ve been holding onto, especially from last year, I made sooo much on my cross country road trip that I haven’t shared with you yet. I randomly keep finding self portraits that I took years ago that I forgot about. I have a lot of stuff that’s just like sitting on the back burner, ready for me to share with you, so I’ll continue to do that until I have none of it left. I’m continuing to make videos, and you’ll always at least have something new every week. Like I said last week, I have photosets to share with you at least through early to mid June, maybe even longer than that. I still have a bunch of photosets to edit from my cross country road trip that are self portraits.
Yeah, I’m in transition, it’s weird, I don’t know what the end goal is. I feel like I’m kinda floating in space. I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going, and I’m just trusting that the process will take me where I’m supposed to be. That’s weird and scary. I keep getting these messages that I just need to trust, and do my process, and let things happen, and that’s the way that they should happen. So even though it’s weird and scary, I’m trusting that. I hope that quarantine and self isolation has been gentler with you than it has with me! I know that we all have things that we’re all struggling with, and this pandemic and self quarantine is bringing out a lot of things and a lot of emotions from all of us.
I really appreciate those of you who joined us, me and my mom, for the Holding Space on Monday and Thursday. I’m actually recording this Thursday morning so I’m just going to assume that some of yall will be joining us this evening, since I know yall won’t be seeing this til Saturday. Monday’s was really good and I’m working on holding space for myself and holding space for the future that I don’t know what it will be like, and just trusting that things will turn out the way they should. Whether or not I will continue to take photos is part of that process. I don’t think that I’ll ever truly stop taking photos altogether, but right now it just doesn’t feel super great to do it for my job I guess, I don’t know, it feels like I’m separating myself from you somehow if I’m just doing photos and sharing them. Which is why I’m focusing on the video aspect of this because I feel like I can connect with you so much better. Yeah, life is weird, I’m just trying to embrace all of the feelings, go with the flow, and follow my heart, and do what I feel is best for me and for you.
Thank you for being here with me. I love you so much! I appreciate you sticking with me through all of these transitions. I know I have a lot to share with you, I just don’t know what all it is right now, and that’s okay, I trust that everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to. I love you. Thank you.
Photos by Ambivalent Ann:
Photos by Shawnna Lee:
Photo members: click here to view the full photoset that I took, click here for the photoset taken by Ambivalent Ann, click here for the BTS photoset taken by Shawnna Lee
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the self portrait photoset during sunrise on the canyon rim at Colorado National Monument -
Nude Beach Gathering!
Photo members now have access to:
- vlog with the story behind this nude beach gathering I facilitated outside of Portland Oregon & my current thoughts/feelings
-
35 image complete lomo purple photoset that I took
- 8 image photoset taken by Ambivalent Ann
- 5 image BTS photoset taken by Shawnna Lee
Video members now have access to:
-
everything above
-
21 minutes of BTS video
First Look members now have access to:
-
everything above
-
51 image complete self portrait photoset during sunrise on the canyon rim at Colorado National Monument
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Statue
Click here to view this photoset taken by Kyotocat.
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June St Paul in Joshua Tree
CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing a photoset that I took last summer in Joshua Tree California (technically we were right outside of Joshua Tree) at an airbnb that was super amazing and fancy. It was me and my friend June St Paul and we took photos in and around the pool at the airbnb that is owned by one of her friends. It was a really cool experience, I really enjoyed spending a few days there and it was beautiful and relaxing and the pool was really fancy and they had just opened the pool. If you want to watch a whole bunch of videos from my trip I still have them all on my website for free (in the free section, the free galleries) you can watch all of the videos I made like every day. It was a really cool experience and I hadn’t seen her in a long time and it was enjoyable.I’m feeling low energy today and I have plans for doing an earth connection meditation for all of yall and maybe a free one for people who aren’t members. Maybe clothed for them and nude for yall because I know I’m safe being nude with yall! I just… I don’t know… thats the thing thats been calling to me the most. I dont know, I have these doubts of myself for some reason and I’m kinda reluctant to schedule things on a regular basis because I don’t want to then feel stuck to that and I don’t want to let people down. Right now I’m in a place where I want to plan things and not do them, or I don’t even want to plan stuff. It’s kinda weird. I donno, it might just be the energy of everything that’s going on that’s effecting that for me. I know that I appreciate yall so much because I’m able to buy groceries and stuff because you’re supporting me because this is my full time thing. I appreciate that so much.
I want to continue doing live gatherings with yall online, I’ve just kinda been in a funk lately with everything going on and I feel like I need to center myself and get back into my body and my heart before I can start sharing stuff with the world. I feel like I haven’t truly honestly spent enough time with and for myself in a really long time, and I’m getting better at that, but I still feel off kilter. Which is kinda weird because I’ve been self quarantining here at home for over a week, almost 2, no not 2 weeks yet. But I’ve spent a lot of time with myself and I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough and then at the same time I don’t want to make plans to do things because I don’t know what I’m going to feel like for the things that I have the plans for or if I’ll actually want to do them and it’s a weird thing.
I know that I for sure have photosets and videos that I can continue to share with yall through early June for sure. I haven’t created anything since like… September. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my camera out. I just haven’t been motivated, I haven’t felt like it, it hasn’t been something that’s been exciting to me or something that I’ve wanted to do for a while and I’m trying to be gentle with myself about it, even though it’s kinda stressing me out at the same time. I know that I need some changes and I’m not quite sure what those are. I feel like videos and actual connection with yall and other people around the world is the direction that I’m heading in, but I just haven’t quite gotten there yet, to knowing what that is for me and how that feels and if that’s… I don’t know. So I’m in a weird place and I feel like a lot of us are in a weird place, so I just wanted to say that if you’re in a weird place that you’re not alone and that this isn’t going to last forever. There’s at least one person that loves you and that person is me.
I have like 3 videos on ecosexuality that I’ve slowly started making. They’re all about 15 minutes or longer, because I can weave ecosexuality into basically any topic and it weaves into everything for me. I feel like that’s the direction that I’m going in, is ecosexuality and healing and connection with each other and the earth is really what’s actually calling me lately. It’s also scary at the same time because I know yall have this expectation of nude art from me, and I love that, and I love making nude art, it’s just not something thats been on the forefront of my mind in a while. Or something that’s been that exciting for me lately. So I don’t really know what that means and I’m trying to be gentle with myself. I’m trying to just let myself do the things that I feel good about, and trust that that’s the direction that I should go in.
So thats… what I have to share with you today I guess. I’m going to be spending some time just… with myself, figuring things out, feeling into all of these feelings that I’ve been repressing for over a year still. It’s hard to just wake up and face yourself and your emotions sometimes. It’s really scary because it feels like… what’s after that? There’s a big abyss of unknown of like, what is my life going to be like if I actually allow myself to feel these feelings because I don’t want it to take me over. And what’s on the other side of that? Yeah, life is weird.
I hope yall are doing good. I hope I haven’t brought you down. I do have some uplifting videos that I’ve previously recorded that I’ll probably share at some point. I just… want to make things that younger me needed, and that younger me wished I knew, and I want to be a sense of support and love for other people and I want to affirm other people in their identities, and that’s the thing that I’ve been most interested in recently. Just being someone that understands and someone that cares about everyone and isn’t judgmental and lets everyone be themselves because that’s who we are supposed to be!
Okay, it’s already been 10 minutes, I need to stop making these really long because it takes me a long time to type them up. Thank you for being here, I love you so much. If you have anything to share with me I’m always open, you can always email me or comment on this post. I love you and thank you for being here and I appreciate you and I’ll talk to you next week. <3
To watch the hundreds of videos I took during my cross country road trip that I mentioned in the video, click here.
Photo members: click here to view the full photoset of June St Paul in Joshua Tree California during my cross country road trip last summer
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the photoset at an abandoned mill by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the studio photoset by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the photoset with Evyenia Karapolous by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the BTS video -
June St Paul in Joshua Tree
Photo members now have access to:
- blog post with the story behind this photoset of June St Paul in Joshua Tree California during my cross country road trip last summer
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36 image complete photoset
Video members now have access to:
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everything above
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14 minutes of BTS video
First Look members now have access to:
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everything above
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22 image complete photoset at an abandoned mill by Nuance Artistry
- 16 image complete photoset in studio by Nuance Artistry
- 6 image complete photoset with Evyenia Karapolous by Nuance Artistry
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6 BTS videos