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Waterfall Introspection
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends, welcome to another week of… my website. So this week I have a self portrait set that I took in 2018 on that first solo road trip that I went on, I talked about it… 2 weeks ago in the other waterfall self portrait set that I shared. I visited a whole bunch of waterfalls on this trip, it was like a long weekend, so this is a different waterfall and somehow after I took the photos and uploaded them to my smugmug, I forgot about this whole trip of self portraits that I took, somehow? So that’s why I’m sharing them now because I like somehow lost them / forgot about them after I took them and just never shared them. These photos I took I don’t even remember the name of the place that I was hiking. I probably could find it if I saw a map and looked back through some stuff. I hiked, this was in the mountains because that’s like my favorite place to be, I was hiking in the mountains near some waterfalls and I came upon this area that was a whole bunch of bare rock next to the river that had a little waterfall on it further up the river. I just hung out there for a long time and nobody really showed up for a long time so I was like “okay I feel safe being naked here” so I took some self portraits and then I got dressed and I think I was pulling oracle cards and journaling, and then a small family, like 2 or 3 person little group of adult and little children came by, and so I was like “okay so that’s perfect that I wasn’t naked when they showed up” because usually its people with kids that get annoyed or angry when people don’t have clothes on. So yeah that’s the photoset I’m sharing this week.
I have a video that has nothing to do with this photoset that I’m also sharing. This video I took.. I believe it was 2019, I’m not sure if it was before or after my cross country trip (EDIT: it was after). This was me when I lived at my sister’s house, hanging out in the living room in my sister’s house and listening to music and like, dancing and moving around and playing with the kittens… I call them shittens. Playing with shittens back when the cats that my sister has were actually kittens. They were so friggin cute. So this video is me just playing and dancing around and moving my body and playing with little kittens, so me and shittens, and dancing kindof, yoga ish, movement video.
First look people, I’m sharing more photos from Columbus Ohio. These are photos that Jacs Fishburne took of me and Lior Allay when we were traveling there, so these are I believe… all of the photos I am sharing with me and Lior and Jacs, which there are 3 photosets. I shared one of them last week, that was Lior’s photos of me and Jacs, this week it’s Jacs photos of me and Lior, and then next week I’ll be sharing… no I already shared those. The ones of Lior and Jacs that I took were the week before that. Next week I’ll be sharing something different. But yeah, so these are all from the same day and it was very fun. So first look is getting the photos and BTS videos of Jacs photographing me and Lior.
Speaking of Lior… if you didn’t already see it, I am going to be in Durham at the end of the month and I just got tested, I am negative, I got my result yesterday, covid negative, yay! I’m meeting up in person with Lior and Roarie and we are going to be brainstorming and dreaming up the future possibilities for Going Beyond the Lens and we are offering an event while we’re all together. We’re calling it Backstage Pass because you get a backstage pass to our shoot, we’re going to create together, the 3 of us, and the first half of the backstage pass event is gonna be the 3 of us answering all of your questions about shooting and how to communicate with the people you’re creating with, how to make sure everybody feels safe, how to make sure there’s consent, how to bounce ideas off of each other, all of these things, so I’m really excited because I have created with both of them, Lior and Roarie, but they have actually never met each other in person so this is going to be the first time that they’re creating together period, and this is the first time that we’re going to be all 3 creating together. I’m very excited because they’re both amazing people and they know each other now through all of the things we’ve been doing together, I just think that like, when you only know someone through the internet it’s different than when you actually get to meet them in person, so I’m very excited that we’re all going to be in person together and yeah I think I’m just super excited in general to be in person with them because it’s been a long time. We’re all getting tested, all self quarantining, being extra careful so that we make sure we’re not going to accidentally spread covid. Like I said I just got my covid test result back yesterday and I am covid negative, and I’m going to continue to like not leave my house until I go there basically. So yeah I’m excited.
Yeah I think that’s all I have to say today. Come and join us to be a part of the Backstage Pass event. I’ll put a link in the caption below. (CLICK HERE TO REGISTER!) This is a fundraising event for Going Beyond the Lens because we would really like to maybe create a website or some kind of community forum or something. We need to change the way we’re doing things online a little bit, because right now we have stuff in a google drive and it’s almost full already. We need to make some plans in terms of infrastructure, and so we are fundraising through this event. Tickets are $11 and we also have an option if you’d like to donate an additional amount of money that is available also, which is also super really appreciated. We have a lot of really exciting dreams and plans for what we would really love to do with Going Beyond the Lens so we’re hoping that this event will help get us a little bit of the money that we need in order to make some of these exciting plans and updates and changes so that we can better serve the GBTL community. So if you’d like to watch us create together live, please join us, I’ll put the link below (CLICK HERE!!!!) It’s only $11, this is a once in a lifetime thing, I don’t know if we’ll be able to do this again for a while. I don’t want to say once in a lifetime because I assume we’ll be able to do something like this again at some point, but I have no idea when something like this will happen again. Also if you can’t make it, the event is on December 30th, it’s a Wednesday I believe, and it’s from 10am-1pm eastern time. If you cannot make it, every single person who signs up will be getting a recording of the whole event so if you can’t make it there’s no worries because you can watch it whenever. Yeah I’m just really excited, its going to be really fun, and it’ll basically be the first time I’ve created in months.
Okay, I love you, thank you for being here, and I’ll talk to you soon! Mwah!
All members:
click here to view the 54 image self portrait photoset of me at an NC waterfall in 2018
click here to view the 5 minute video of me playing with kittens & moving my body
Click here for access to my archive of 12,500+ photos & 2,000+ videos
Click here for the passwords, they change the 1st of every monthFirst Look/All Access members:
click here to view the 42 image photoset of me & Lior Allay taken by Jacs Fishburne in Columbus OH fall 2019
click here to view 13 minutes of BTS video -
Columbus OH with Chip Willis & Lior Allay
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! Welcome to another week of things on my website! I am recording this the same time as last week’s vlog because this week I am out of town and probably won’t have time to do computer things because I’m helping my Granny out again, so that’s why this video is similar to last week’s video.
This week I’m sharing some photos that Chip Willis took of me… Lior Allay is in a couple of them, but it’s mostly photos of me from when Lior and I traveled to Columbus Ohio in fall 2019. We met up with Chip and he got us this motel that was nearby and it was a cool funky spot and we just created a bunch of stuff in the motel room and it was actually really fun. I had never met Chip before but I have a lot of friends who have worked with Chip and I’ve heard a lot of really amazing things about him, and they were all true because he was really awesome. He was a cool dude, so it was fun actually meeting him after seeing his work for years and years and a lot of my friends having already met him, so that was cool. Yeah we just hung out at this motel and took photos and um… Lior took some behind the scenes photos while we were shooting so I have those to share with you also. There is no video this week, well other than this one I’m making right now. The photos and BTS photos from the shoot with Chip… there’s a lot there, so I know you can spend a bunch of time looking through all of that. So I figured it would be ok to not have a video this week.
First look people… I have… so that same trip to Columbus when Lior and Jacs Fishburne and I were creating together, we all shot each other. This week I’m sharing Lior’s photos that they took of me and Jacs from when we were visiting Jacs, also in Columbus. That includes behind the scenes video.
Uhm yeah I don’t think I have very much else to say because that’s all I’m sharing this week and like nothing has changed since I made the last video because I literally am making this one like 2 minutes after I made the last one. But.. I just wanted to say yall are awesome and I appreciate yall being here and you are the reason that I’m able to do any of this at all. I am continuously feeling into what I want to do next, because as I’ve told you before, I haven’t really created much this year. I haven’t felt motivated or inspired to do so. To be honest, I probably very much need therapy and help with… how can I say… processing the traumas that I have experienced. Because I’m very good at avoiding my feelings and distracting myself from all of the things. I think part of why I haven’t really wanted to create this year is because I’ve been feeling a lot of difficult things and that’s been pushing my breaks in terms of wanting to create anything. I think another part of it is white guilt. You know, with all of the systemic oppression and inequalities that have been made painfully obvious through everything that’s happened this year in 2020. I’ve kindof really felt like I need to take a step back and let a lot of other people have the spotlight. As a white person I don’t want to take up too much space because I’ve taken up a lot of space for my whole life, and white people have taken up a lot of space for centuries. I would like to uplift people that are not white and while I do know that my work is important and valuable and worthy of people knowing about it, with the way that I’ve been feeling and with everything else going on in the world, I just haven’t felt like it was important to create for me personally, for a little bit. I mean it is important to create. The things I have created this year, I haven’t shown yall any of it. I haven’t created much, but I have created a couple of things, I haven’t really shared much of it. And that’s okay.
For a long time I have let having a website like this make me feel like I have to constantly be creating and sharing and doing… because if there are people that are paying for access to my stuff, then I need to have stuff to give you access to. I have over 12,000 photos and over 2,000 videos that are already accessible to you here. Even if you’ve been a member for a really long time, you might not have seen everything. There’s a lot to see. I don’t want to push myself too hard to the point of burnout, because I think that’s already where I am. When I went on my cross country road trip I took so many photos and videos and I definitely did burn myself out. I haven’t recovered from my burnout still and it’s been a year. I don’t know what this means for my creative future or the future of this website, but I do know that I want to continue having a place where I can have uncensored content that people can access because I think that’s really important, especially considering how shitty social media is now. But I no longer feel the urgent need to create constantly and be putting out new stuff constantly, because that’s basically just another symptom of white supremacy and patriarchy and capitalism that I don’t want to buy into anymore. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to not do work. It’s okay to freakin rest and take a nap and slow down. So I’m trying to really… be gentle with myself and not pressure myself to do anything if I’m not feeling like it. Basically this whole year I’ve not felt like creating so I’m not going to be hard on myself for that. Like I’ve said in the past, I do still have a lot of content that yall haven’t seen that is from my backlog so I’ll continue putting that out. I don’t know how long that is going to last, it’ll probably last at least another couple of months. For now, I’m still feeling into what comes next for me and I don’t know what that means, and that very potentially means lots of changes, like big shifts in the future, I just don’t know what that is. I’ll continue giving you a head’s up about it I guess. I feel like I’ve said that so many times, but I still haven’t figured it out, and that’s okay, so I’m just gonna keep letting you know.
I love you so much, thank you for being here, it means the world that you support me even when I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I mean who really actually knows what they’re doing, to be honest. I love you. Thank you. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye!
All members:
click here to view the 100 image photoset of me (& some with Lior Allay) taken by Chip Willis
click here to view the 34 BTS photos Lior took during the shoot
Click here for access to my archive of 12,500+ photos & 2,000+ videos
Click here for the passwords, they change the 1st of every monthFirst Look/All Access members:
click here to view the 9 image photoset that Lior Allay took of me & Jacs Fishburne in Columbus OH fall 2019
click here to view 11 minutes of BTS video -
Hidden Pool Self Portraits
CAPTION FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:
Hey friends! Welcome to another week of…. uhm… I don’t even know what to call it. Blursday, blursmonth, blursyear. My mom told me about blursday which I think is pretty appropriate for covid times because now more than ever we are very aware that time is made up. Anyway, speaking of time… the photos that I’m sharing with you this week were taken a couple years ago, in I believe 2018. These are some self portraits that I took very close to a waterfall that I found…. this waterfall.. kinda. Let me back up. I went on my first road trip by myself in 2018, it was a long weekend, and I believe it was the first time that I stayed in my van by myself also. I went to the mountains in NC and visited several waterfalls and I hiked and had lots of fun. Since it was my first little road trip by myself I was kindof nervous because I didn’t know what to expect and I had always done road trips with someone else. It was really, honestly it was really freeing to go on a road trip by myself and realize that I don’t have to have another person with me in order to have a good time. This waterfall is basically off the side of a highway… well not really a highway, off the side of a mountain road out in the country in the mountains of NC. I basically parked on the side of the road where there was space and hiked down a really really steep hill. You’ve probably seen a video of me with a snail, that was the same place, that was when I was hiking down I found the snail, it was so cute it was really big! It was a big snail! So I made a little friend… but this is that same trip, that same place. If you’ve been here a while and remember the snail. Yeah this is around some rocks from the waterfall, it’s a really big waterfall and this was a little pool kinda at the base of the waterfall where I took these self portraits, so I hope you enjoy them, I very much love them, it was a great time.
The videos I’m sharing this week have nothing to do with the photos. I took these couple of videos with my parents and one of them my aunt joined in. They’re interview-style where we talked about how our family is a little bit different than most other families, and some of our family history a little bit. We took these…. I think it was sometime in 2019 so these videos are also not super new, but I’ve just been holding on to them because I do that? But I hope you enjoy them.
First look folks.. I’m sharing some photos that I took of Lior Allay & Jacs Fishburne when I was in Columbus Ohio with Lior in the fall of 2019. This is some photos that I took of them at Jacs’ place and BTS videos from taking those photos. I also have some photos I took that are BTS with Lior when they were here…. I think that was after… I think it was late 2019 when they were here. Time doesn’t make sense, I’m not even going to try to be exact with time because time doesn’t matter, I mean it does, but time is weird. There was a time when Lior came here and they shot with my friend Kara Perry and I took some BTS of them shooting so that’s also being shared to first look. It has nothing to do with my trip with Lior visiting Jacs in Columbus, but I figured since it’s more Lior things I would share it with first look this week too.
I am going to Granny’s house again next week so I’m going to record next week’s vlog today, like after I’m done with this one, so that’s why I’m gonna be wearing the same clothes. Also because I wear the same clothes a lot in general, so if I’m wearing the same clothes that doesn’t necessarily mean it was something that was done the same day. Since I’ll be out of town next week at Granny’s and I probably won’t have as much time to do computer work stuff, I’m going to get it done this week hopefully that way I won’t have to worry about it next week so… yeah.
Thank you for being here, I appreciate that you care about the things that I create. It means a lot that yall show up here with me every week and look at my content and I love when you comment or message me and let me know your thoughts on what I create, because how am I going to make anything that you like if I don’t know what you like? But also I mostly create what I like and hope that the right people come along that also like the same things as me. I don’t really wanna make things that I’m not into just because other people like it, you know? I wanna make things that I’m excited about and I think it shows in my work when I’m excited about something, so yeah… thanks for caring about the same things that I do, like nudity, and nature, and connection to community. I love you, thanks for being here, I’ll talk to you next week! Bye!
All members:
click here to view the 50 image self portrait photoset I took at a hidden pool near an NC waterfall from 2018
click here to view 33 minutes of interviews with my parents & my aunt about our family
Click here for access to my archive of 12,500+ photos & 2,000+ videos
Click here for the passwords, they change the 1st of every monthFirst Look/All Access members:
click here to view the 33 image photoset of Lior Allay & Jacs Fishburne in Columbus OH fall 2019
click here to view 23.5 minutes of BTS video
click here to view the 11 video and 18 image BTS photoset of Kara Perry photographing Lior Allay at my house -
FREE ARCHIVED BLOG & PHOTOSET
I originally wrote this for Patreon on August 26th 2017. I no longer use Patreon and have replaced it with my website (here) but thought I would share some of my old blogs with you for FREE to show my appreciation for you visiting my website! <3
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I’m pretty much in love with this self portrait set I took in Chicago. I wasn’t always in love with it though. The first time I hastily looked through the photos on my phone I was disappointed by them so I stored them and forgot about them. The shadows just looked way too dark to salvage in the small thumbnails. I stumbled across this set again when I was picking out what I wanted to share with you and now I can’t believe I wasn’t happy with it before! I’m so thankful that I held onto this previously discarded set because it’s a new favorite.
The airbnb we stayed in the majority of the time Antisocialdisposition and I were in Chicago was beautiful. I chose it because it had several windows and so many plants indoors, and I certainly made the right choice! It was even more wonderful in person than the photos I had seen online. I love the nude statue, and the clear chair is definitely an interesting piece of furniture. Of course I had to incorporate those elements into this set!
Enjoy these reclaimed images that have reminded me to always give second chances, and to look deeper into the dark to see the light. <3
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New to the video tier is a timelapse video of me doing yoga at the airport with my mom from earlier this year. Check out the sweet crop top I’m wearing, it’s the “Your dick didn’t change me” one from a limited run that Jacs Fishburne had made. =D We definitely had people watching us but I was in the zone so I didn’t notice. My dad told us after we finished!
All members have access to this complete 43 image photoset by clicking here and the airport yoga video by clicking here.
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Cam & Jacs
This medium format film photoset of Cam Damage & Jacs Fishburne in an abandoned house in Tennessee can be found in the April 2016 gallery (2+ models)!
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Jacs
This film double exposure photoset of Jacs Fishburne can be found in the April 2016 gallery.