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Hey friends! So this week I’m sharing a couple different photosets from the nude beach gathering that I hosted/facilitated last summer outside of Portland Oregon at a nude beach there. There were I think 8 or 9 of us and it was really fun, it was an experience like no other. We all met up at the nude beach and we brought blankets and whatever snacks we wanted, there was a bunch of fruit there, some people brought flowers, so people brought things that we wanted. We hung out and got to know each other for a while. Once everybody got there I started off with a mini meditation and we talked about what part we wanted to play in the photo-making and what we wanted to do and what ideas we had and it was really great. It’s funny because we hung out for so long that it was starting to get to sunset so we were like “okay we should shoot now!” We started off in the big group in the sunset light next to the water and did some group photos together there, then we split off into mini groups, and then at the end we all got back together to do the big cuddle pile. Those photos I’ll be sharing with you in a few weeks because that is going to be a post of it’s own, there’s a bunch of photos from that set and they’re amazing. These are pretty much all of the other photos. I took 1 roll of film. It was kinda overwhelming trying to do all of the things, like facilitating the gathering, being a photographer, being a model… so I ended up just taking 1 roll of film of the group. I’m sharing some photos that other people took, like my friend Ambivalent Ann who I posted photos of her last week, she took a bunch of really awesome photos, and Shawnna Lee took several really cool behind the scenes photos. It was an amazing time, a really wonderful gathering of people. There were only one or two people that I had ever met before that, most of them were new to me, they were friends of friends, or that were recommended to me, or people that I had followed for a while. It was great to meet with a bunch of people that I didn’t really know but we all connected pretty deeply. It was really wonderful getting to know all of these creative people and spending time with them and relaxing on the beach. It was a really beautiful day and I’m so thankful that I was able to do that. It’s times like these in the middle of a pandemic that I super miss those kinds of interactions with people and I am really super thankful that I was able to do all of these kinds of things before this happened. So that’s the photoset that I’m sharing with you this week!

In terms of my life right now… to be honest I’m kinda in this weird place emotionally, I’ve cried basically every day for the last week. I don’t know, I’m still figuring things out. I feel like I’m in transition still and there’s a lot of changes that I know will be coming up but I don’t know what those are. I feel like I’m not as excited about modeling anymore, it’s been like that for a while. I do want to be like… the representative model for non binary people because most models are cis women, and they’re usually skinny and white, and I know I fit into some of that category, but I don’t know, I’m kinda torn between wanting to just not pressure myself at all about modeling because it’s not been something I’ve been excited about, but then also I want to be that representation in the world because there’s not a lot of non binary representation. So I might continue modeling, but only for self portraits. Which, I mean, I haven’t taken any photos since September or November. The last time I was taking photos on a semi regular basis was September, and I did one photoshoot in November, and other than that I haven’t shot anything, and it’s mid April. I haven’t really been creative in months! It kinda feels weird but it’s also kinda relieving because I feel like I’m not pressuring myself to do these things that I’m not super excited about, but it’s something that I worry about because I want to still have content for yall! But I don’t want to force myself because if I do then the content isn’t going to be as good, I want to be inspired and for it to come from my heart and at this point I’m not and it wouldn’t be coming from my heart if I just made myself take photos. It’s easier for me lately to make videos than anything, which is why I’ve just continued to do that and why I’m going in the direction of video instead of just photos here on my website. Life is weird yall, I don’t know if I’m just kinda going into a depressive state during quarantine, or maybe it would’ve been happening anyway, I kinda think that it was, it’s just kinda being highlighted and more obvious during quarantine because I’m just sitting here with my emotions. I don’t want to let yall down, but I also am not going to force myself to make things if I’m not inspired and I’m not excited about it and it’s not something that’s coming from my heart. I’m being gentle with myself, I’m acknowledging that I’m feeling this way, and not pressuring myself to do things that I’m not really wanting to do.

I’m super thankful for all of yall for being here through all of these transitions and changes and fluctuations. I feel like I’m still constantly figuring myself out. I mean, I’m 30 years old and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. That feels kinda weird, but I mean, I’m not going to force it, because that would be worse. I’m glad that yall are allowing me to figure it out as I go. I really appreciate yalls understanding and patience with me. I know that I will continue to have things to share with you, it just may not always be nude art. And that’s okay, because I can’t force that, I don’t want to force that, it would be disingenuous and the quality wouldn’t be there if I was forcing it. I’ll continue to share all of these things that I’ve been holding onto, especially from last year, I made sooo much on my cross country road trip that I haven’t shared with you yet. I randomly keep finding self portraits that I took years ago that I forgot about. I have a lot of stuff that’s just like sitting on the back burner, ready for me to share with you, so I’ll continue to do that until I have none of it left. I’m continuing to make videos, and you’ll always at least have something new every week. Like I said last week, I have photosets to share with you at least through early to mid June, maybe even longer than that. I still have a bunch of photosets to edit from my cross country road trip that are self portraits.

Yeah, I’m in transition, it’s weird, I don’t know what the end goal is. I feel like I’m kinda floating in space. I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going, and I’m just trusting that the process will take me where I’m supposed to be. That’s weird and scary. I keep getting these messages that I just need to trust, and do my process, and let things happen, and that’s the way that they should happen. So even though it’s weird and scary, I’m trusting that. I hope that quarantine and self isolation has been gentler with you than it has with me! I know that we all have things that we’re all struggling with, and this pandemic and self quarantine is bringing out a lot of things and a lot of emotions from all of us.

I really appreciate those of you who joined us, me and my mom, for the Holding Space on Monday and Thursday. I’m actually recording this Thursday morning so I’m just going to assume that some of yall will be joining us this evening, since I know yall won’t be seeing this til Saturday. Monday’s was really good and I’m working on holding space for myself and holding space for the future that I don’t know what it will be like, and just trusting that things will turn out the way they should. Whether or not I will continue to take photos is part of that process. I don’t think that I’ll ever truly stop taking photos altogether, but right now it just doesn’t feel super great to do it for my job I guess, I don’t know, it feels like I’m separating myself from you somehow if I’m just doing photos and sharing them. Which is why I’m focusing on the video aspect of this because I feel like I can connect with you so much better. Yeah, life is weird, I’m just trying to embrace all of the feelings, go with the flow, and follow my heart, and do what I feel is best for me and for you.

Thank you for being here with me. I love you so much! I appreciate you sticking with me through all of these transitions. I know I have a lot to share with you, I just don’t know what all it is right now, and that’s okay, I trust that everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to. I love you. Thank you.

Photos by Ambivalent Ann:

Photos by Shawnna Lee:

Photo members: click here to view the full photoset that I took, click here for the photoset taken by Ambivalent Ann, click here for the BTS photoset taken by Shawnna Lee
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the self portrait photoset during sunrise on the canyon rim at Colorado National Monument

Click here for the gallery passwords