CAPTION FOR VIDEO ABOVE:
Hi friends! This week I’m sharing a photoset that I took last summer in Joshua Tree California (technically we were right outside of Joshua Tree) at an airbnb that was super amazing and fancy. It was me and my friend June St Paul and we took photos in and around the pool at the airbnb that is owned by one of her friends. It was a really cool experience, I really enjoyed spending a few days there and it was beautiful and relaxing and the pool was really fancy and they had just opened the pool. If you want to watch a whole bunch of videos from my trip I still have them all on my website for free (in the free section, the free galleries) you can watch all of the videos I made like every day. It was a really cool experience and I hadn’t seen her in a long time and it was enjoyable.

I’m feeling low energy today and I have plans for doing an earth connection meditation for all of yall and maybe a free one for people who aren’t members. Maybe clothed for them and nude for yall because I know I’m safe being nude with yall! I just… I don’t know… thats the thing thats been calling to me the most. I dont know, I have these doubts of myself for some reason and I’m kinda reluctant to schedule things on a regular basis because I don’t want to then feel stuck to that and I don’t want to let people down. Right now I’m in a place where I want to plan things and not do them, or I don’t even want to plan stuff. It’s kinda weird. I donno, it might just be the energy of everything that’s going on that’s effecting that for me. I know that I appreciate yall so much because I’m able to buy groceries and stuff because you’re supporting me because this is my full time thing. I appreciate that so much.

I want to continue doing live gatherings with yall online, I’ve just kinda been in a funk lately with everything going on and I feel like I need to center myself and get back into my body and my heart before I can start sharing stuff with the world. I feel like I haven’t truly honestly spent enough time with and for myself in a really long time, and I’m getting better at that, but I still feel off kilter. Which is kinda weird because I’ve been self quarantining here at home for over a week, almost 2, no not 2 weeks yet. But I’ve spent a lot of time with myself and I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough and then at the same time I don’t want to make plans to do things because I don’t know what I’m going to feel like for the things that I have the plans for or if I’ll actually want to do them and it’s a weird thing.

I know that I for sure have photosets and videos that I can continue to share with yall through early June for sure. I haven’t created anything since like… September. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my camera out. I just haven’t been motivated, I haven’t felt like it, it hasn’t been something that’s been exciting to me or something that I’ve wanted to do for a while and I’m trying to be gentle with myself about it, even though it’s kinda stressing me out at the same time. I know that I need some changes and I’m not quite sure what those are. I feel like videos and actual connection with yall and other people around the world is the direction that I’m heading in, but I just haven’t quite gotten there yet, to knowing what that is for me and how that feels and if that’s… I don’t know. So I’m in a weird place and I feel like a lot of us are in a weird place, so I just wanted to say that if you’re in a weird place that you’re not alone and that this isn’t going to last forever. There’s at least one person that loves you and that person is me.

I have like 3 videos on ecosexuality that I’ve slowly started making. They’re all about 15 minutes or longer, because I can weave ecosexuality into basically any topic and it weaves into everything for me. I feel like that’s the direction that I’m going in, is ecosexuality and healing and connection with each other and the earth is really what’s actually calling me lately. It’s also scary at the same time because I know yall have this expectation of nude art from me, and I love that, and I love making nude art, it’s just not something thats been on the forefront of my mind in a while. Or something that’s been that exciting for me lately. So I don’t really know what that means and I’m trying to be gentle with myself. I’m trying to just let myself do the things that I feel good about, and trust that that’s the direction that I should go in.

So thats… what I have to share with you today I guess. I’m going to be spending some time just… with myself, figuring things out, feeling into all of these feelings that I’ve been repressing for over a year still. It’s hard to just wake up and face yourself and your emotions sometimes. It’s really scary because it feels like… what’s after that? There’s a big abyss of unknown of like, what is my life going to be like if I actually allow myself to feel these feelings because I don’t want it to take me over. And what’s on the other side of that? Yeah, life is weird.

I hope yall are doing good. I hope I haven’t brought you down. I do have some uplifting videos that I’ve previously recorded that I’ll probably share at some point. I just… want to make things that younger me needed, and that younger me wished I knew, and I want to be a sense of support and love for other people and I want to affirm other people in their identities, and that’s the thing that I’ve been most interested in recently. Just being someone that understands and someone that cares about everyone and isn’t judgmental and lets everyone be themselves because that’s who we are supposed to be!

Okay, it’s already been 10 minutes, I need to stop making these really long because it takes me a long time to type them up. Thank you for being here, I love you so much. If you have anything to share with me I’m always open, you can always email me or comment on this post. I love you and thank you for being here and I appreciate you and I’ll talk to you next week. <3

To watch the hundreds of videos I took during my cross country road trip that I mentioned in the video, click here.

Photo members: click here to view the full photoset of June St Paul in Joshua Tree California during my cross country road trip last summer
Video members: click here to view the BTS video
First Look members: click here to view the photoset at an abandoned mill by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the studio photoset by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the photoset with Evyenia Karapolous by Nuance Artistry & click here to view the BTS video

Click here for the gallery passwords